The Rain
Title: The Rain
Author: colinsgal
Pairing: Ry/Col
It was raining.
Endless tiers of heavily loaded clouds draped across the rolling hills of the valley, swathing the night sky in a thick carpet of grey, clinging to the crags of the mountains with steadfast wings; filling the atmosphere with a cold summer mist. If you looked hard enough through the dew you could just about make out the framework of other cabins; a hazy reminder that the rest of civilisation did in fact exist. In hushed, tranquil seclusion, Colin watched from where he sat nestled in an expansively worn, yet perpetually comfortable couch as flexes of filmy drizzle continued their assault on the trees and landscape; leaves compelled to bubble and recoil under the vigour imposed on them by nature's cleanser. Closing his senses and surrendering to nature's orchestral overture, Colin listened to the rushing of the mud as it flowed through the valley below, the rain now playing out its dance, a dull pattering now, on the roofs of the other wooden dwellings; a signification that they could never be forgotten as the clouds gave way and pushed out their cargo. Blinking back to consciousness upon hearing some not too distant sound, Colin discerned that everything was blurred, distorted and veiled, clandestine even, behind the cloudbursts' relentless flowing ribbons.
Clandestine.
It was appropriate, really. So incredibly appropriate, Colin realised as he shifted in order to relieve the pressure of the cramp in his legs, that outside the weather - nature, ergo the Gods were conspiring to show him his reality. Out in the valley, and in the rest of civilisation the world over, life goes on, albeit veiled and cloaked in this never ending torrent of rain. It may not be readily apparent, but squint, listen carefully and you cannot fail to be reminded that it is there.
There is no escape.
That's what Colin knows it is telling him. However secluded, hidden, however secret he and Ryan might think they are, nestled far up in the mountains away from everything, the rest of the world knows that they are there, behind the rain, behind the mist; transparently there for anyone who chooses to look hard enough.
And it is only the realisation that some people choose not to look hard enough that enables them to be there. It is a harsh and somewhat sickening reality; not even the constant flow of water can cleanse the guilt that has settled within him.
'Col?'
The heated whisper brushed across his ear, causing sensations of intimate familiarity to flow through him.
'Ryan?' he winced as he tried to get into a more comfortable sitting position, blinking as Ryan came into his view, as if he had momentarily forgotten his existence.
'What are you doing?'
Ryan gently prodded Colin to move along the couch, placing his arm around his shoulders as he sat down and stretched his long legs in front of him in the darkness.
'I woke up and you weren't there so I thought I'd see if you were ok. When I realised it was raining I figured I'd find you here' he replied, sleepily closing his eyes and pulling Colin closer.
Colin couldn’t stop the smile that automatically came as a result of the instant relaxation brought about by Ryan's proximity. Instinctively his head rested on Ryan's bare shoulder, radiating warmth through his cold cheek. Ryan exhaled a sound of drowsy, muffled contentment, placing an absent minded kiss at Colin's temple and allowing his arm to slink down to his waist, the heat of his hand like a burn to Colin as he realised how cold he had become.
'What's wrong, Col?' Ryan asked after a few moments had passed, his eyes still closed as he listened to the soothing sound of the rain, reminding him that he was glad to be inside, away from it all.
Colin's sigh filled the void where sound had long been forgotten, a feeble attempt at resigned laughter following in its wake.
'Everything….nothing' Colin replied, cursing himself inwardly as the sound of his rambling inarticulate response lingered in the air.
Ryan didn't speak, but trailed his hand further until he found Colin's; lacing his fingers with his own, squeezed reassuringly; a sign that Colin knew meant that he wanted him to continue. That he was there. That he understood.
'This…everything…it's just wrong' Colin sighed, his eyes drawn to the window pane, watching as nature's torrent increased in its ferocity, attacking their glass shield with venom.
Ryan listened as the rain outside reached a crescendo before calming slightly, and the only sound in his ears was that of Colin's steady breathing beside him.
'What do you want to do?' he asked gently, no trace of anger in either his voice or his thoughts. 'Do you want to tell them?' Ryan asked; his voice so languorous that Colin knew without looking at him that his eyes were closed, on the verge of sleep, such was his state of calm compared to his own turmoil.
The recurring squeezes of reassurance that came from Ryan in the silence that followed told Colin that Ryan would do anything in that moment for him; that that was how it would always be. Their unspoken rule. He was just reminding him of it.
'Would that make things better?'
Ryan shifted so that the arm of the couch bore most of his weight and coaxed Colin so that he rested in the crook of his side against him, pulling him closer for warmth.
'Only you know the answer to that, Col' Ryan yawned, his fingers tracing swirls along Colin's arm.
The rain seemed to have subsided a little, Colin noted as the silence descended upon him and he began to calm, contemplating Ryan's response. The trouble was, he didn't know. He could always resort to the cliché that 'ignorance is bliss', but whose ignorance and whose bliss? The fact that their wives, families and friends remained ignorant (at least ostensibly) certainly wasn't bringing him bliss. Certainly not now anyway. It seemed to be bringing him nothing but misery, and an eternally stormy frame of mind. But what was the alternative? If they told them, would that bring him bliss? As he huddled closer to Ryan, eliciting a sigh of approval as he did so, Colin knew that it wouldn’t. By enlightening their family and friends, by bringing them out of the relative safety and seclusion of the unknown, Colin knew that that would only serve to transfer his turmoil onto them. And to see that he knew would cause him far more pain than he occasionally experienced now. Their ignorance may not be bliss for him, but nor would their enlightenment. That wasn’t a viable alternative.
There is no escape.
'No, I don't think it would' Colin replied, bringing his arm to rest across Ryan's waist and thanking whatever God that may still be on his side that he could do so; that Ryan was there, that he was his.
Ryan mumbled his approval and tightened his arms around Colin, opening his eyes and realising that dawn would soon be approaching.
'You know what, Col?'
'Mm? What?' Colin replied, stifling a yawn.
'I blame the rain. It always gets to you. I've noticed'.
Colin smiled, gripping Ryan closer and planting a kiss on the soft flesh above the waistband of his pyjama pants. He loved that Ryan knew him so well, yet only felt the need to show it when he knew Colin needed him to the most.
Ryan shivered at the feel of Colin's lips on his skin and allowed himself a smile as those lips aroused favourite memories.
'I always say it, but I mean it this time. No more vacations in the mountains. Next year we're going to Hawaii'.
Colin laughed and nodded against Ryan's skin as Ryan's hand reached his back. Even as the rain began to increase and thrash mercilessly against the glass in the early morning light, none of it mattered anymore. In spite of the tumultuous protestations of the natural world, the rain outside and the guilt raining desperately in his mind, Colin was aware of and cared about nothing but the man whom he was so fortunate to have and to hold, and who held him just as tight. The man who always would.