Rescuing Ryan
Title:Rescuing Ryan
Author: Vanillasky
Pairing: Ryan /Colin
Rating:
Wordcount:
Ryan Stiles. A simple name. It’s short and slips off the tongue easily. Just simple.
I wish I could say the same about the person. He is my best friend and I would do absolutely anything for him but, lately he’s been different. I don’t know what it is and I’ve tried my damned hardest to figure out but he’s as stubborn as a mule and I know I’ll never get it out of him. It’s driving me crazy though. His temperamental moods, his constant grumpiness, the fact that he can’t stay in the same room as me for longer than a few minutes before excusing himself with some pathetic reason I know isn’t true. It’s actually getting to a point where I’m so tired of his silly games that I am going to ask him straight out. He probably won’t give me a decent answer but I don’t care. This is getting ridiculous. And it’s ruining our friendship.
It’s 6.55pm and taping is over for the day. It went pretty smooth I guess, considering Ryan was being his usual self on set but I knew something was wrong when he left without even saying goodbye to me. We always parted on good terms; no matter what. And seeing as the whole day of games had gone really well, I don’t understand what his problem is. I also don’t recall doing anything to piss him off or annoy him but he still left without saying bye. That hurt.
I grab my cell from my pocket and dial his number quickly. My mind is processing a thousand times a minute as I’m thinking of all the things to say to him. All the questions I have left unanswered because he is too damn ignorant to tell me. The ringing tone ceases as I notice someone picks up; it’s him of course and he sounds tired.
"What is it?"
Well if that’s not a "Fuck off I don’t want to speak to you" then I don’t know what is. He can be so piercing with his words sometimes, he doesn’t even realize. I know it’s only a phone call but it doesn’t matter. It matters that he’s polite and nice, like the normal Ryan is. I don’t have a clue who this Ryan is. Not a clue at all.
"Look it’s me, we need to talk Ryan. I don’t want to go into it but can I come over?" I say with a determined tone.
I’m never usually this direct with Ryan because, it’s Ryan after all. And we are just so relaxed together that words aren’t even needed most of the time. But I promise myself that I’m not going to back down from this, I have to get to the bottom of it, to the bottom of whatever it is that I’ve done to him.
I hear him sigh longingly and my heart is wrenching already. He doesn’t want me to come over but I don’t care. I have to see this through.
"Colin. Excuse my bluntness but fuck off. I’m tired & taping today has drained me. So if you don’t mind I want to take some aspirin and go to sleep."
I can’t actually believe what I am hearing. My ear is burning so much from his words that it’s actually starting to sting. Did he just really say what I thought he did? How could he?! I’m so enraged now that I am definitely not getting through the night till this is sorted. He’s pissed me off now. He’s pissed me off big time. I don’t even say another word, I just hang up straight away. My phone is in my pocket already as I jump in my car and speed off in the direction of that bastard’s house. Anger fills my whole body as I’m driving like a maniac and something tells me that maybe Ryan Stiles and I aren’t going to be friends anymore after tonight…
I arrive a little later at his apartment. I swear I raced through at least 3 red lights on the way here. But who gives a shit. A fine was nothing compared to the hurt I was about to face in a few moments, and although I knew it was going to be painful, I needed to see it through. I needed to do this.
I knock several times before seeing a curtain flicker open then shut. He knows it’s me. I stand outside his door a little longer and with each passing second, more and more rage is filling my brain and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more pissed off than I am now. It’s amazing what a few words can do to you, to change you from being calm and relaxed to being fueled with anger. I hear the locks on the door being unchained and my anger decreases slightly; but only slightly. He opens the door as it creaks softly and just looks at me. I stare back with a fierce glow in my eyes that tells him I’m not here for cookies and milk. He surprisingly doesn’t say anything. I expected a flood of cussing to explode from his mouth and maybe a few shoves to push me away but he just simply moves aside and gestures me in. This is another mannerism that extremely angers me. The way he can go from being a complete "fuck you I don’t want to talk" asshole to a complete "I’m ready to talk come on in" asshole. I swear he’s going to give me a heart attack one of these days. My stress levels have reached boiling point with him and his hundred varying Ryan’s. I can’t tell which one he is playing half the time. I walk in and we both walk into the living room and sit down. The silence is deafening as I eventually break it and stare him deep in the eyes.
"I don’t know what game you’re playing Ry, but you had no right to speak to me the way you did on the phone earlier. You were being a total prick. Come to think of it, you’ve been acting a total prick these past few months. And I’m not talking in general. I’m talking with me. If it’s Drew, Greg, Chip or Wayne you act you’re normal happy funny self. Yet with me, all I get is the fucking cold shoulder and I’m sick of it. So out with it; now! I want to know what it is that I’ve done to make you act so different with me. I want to know what it is that makes you up and leave each time we stand in each other’s proximity. Because it feels to me as if you can’t *stand* to breathe the same air when I’m around. So kick your stubborn ass out the door and tell me what’s wrong. I need to know."
I stop on a breath and I feel a weight being lifted from my shoulders. I have needed to tell him all that for a long while and now finally feeling free from the wonder and pain, I feel like I can slightly relax; but only slightly. I still haven’t heard his answer yet, and it looks like he’s about to give me one as he breathes deeply and catches my gaze once more.
"Col… Colin it’s… It’s complicated." Is all he can muster as he sinks into the couch and I watch him with my eyes as his breath becomes more rapid. I am less angry now but it hasn’t completely left my body. He’s not fooling me.
"It’s complicated? So complicated you tell me to fuck off when I call you to see if you’re alright? Doesn’t sound that complex to me Ryan. If you can summon the strength to push me out then I’m sure you can summon up the strength to tell me what the fucks going on, because I can’t read you! I can’t see anything that you feel and you know…" I stop as I feel tears rising. "You know, that we are connected in ways that, that… oh fuck you know what I’m saying so please, just let me in god dammit!" I breathe anxiously as I wait for his face to meet mine in the hope he will open up finally.
I realize I have softened immensely with my words and I didn’t hold the anger face quite well. But long enough for him to know that I wasn’t happy. Although something was telling me that something was very wrong here… and that, if anything, made all the anger swim out of me and all I could feel was fear. I waited patiently, giving him time to find the words that he seemed to struggle with so painfully. I suddenly wished I hadn’t came over. I suddenly wished I had dealt with this a long time ago… About ten minutes had passed, ten long minutes and nothing had been said between us the whole time. He sat on the right side of the couch, legs together, his elbows on his knees and his hands cupping his face. I was sat on the left side, my whole body turned towards him, my face was open and my heart skipped a beat. He looked like he was so far away from me yet so close in that one moment. I bit my tongue, refusing to make this about me and just patiently sat until he was ready to let me inside his head again.
Suddenly he lifted his head slowly and turned to face me.
"This is difficult for me Colin so just… just, be prepared to listen and I can’t…" Ryan stopped, short of breath, the words barely leaving his lips as he was clearly struggling for air.
My heart actually sank.
He looked so vulnerable and scared. My mind started to think things that only happen in the movies… things that aren’t real and it was circling my brain like children in a playground. What was he talking about? I told my inner thoughts to take a vacation seeing as I wanted to have my full attention on listening to him and only him. This was important and all my suspicions of what his reasons were, well they were thrown out the window as I was about to find out the truth from the horse’s mouth. So I cleared my head and waited for him to speak again.
"I can’t keep it from you any longer. So don’t be mad. Don’t hate me. And most of all, listen to what I’m saying please. I can’t stress that enough. You’re gonna hate me I know it…" Ryan trailed off before hanging his head in his hands. This must be serious. I suddenly felt horribly awful for shouting at him earlier. I don’t know why. Maybe I was taking pity on him, because he was about to tell me something that I maybe wasn’t going to like. Or maybe it’s that part of me that loves him more than life and past arguments are forgotten as quick as they were created and I just want to protect him and care for him in every way I can. I’m pretty sure it was all of those reasons and my heart was telling me it was too. I couldn’t help it. I love the guy. And he loves me. But right now he is the important one, he’s the one who needs me and I’m not going to let him down.
"Ryan, whatever it is, we can get through it together, I promise. You can tell me anything, you know that.. I’m here for you till death do us part and we don’t have the rings to say that but, god you know it’s true." I spoke with as much care and gentleness as I could, I needed him to know I was here. Even though a few moments ago I was a completely different Colin; a angry upset Colin. But now I was a caring helping Colin, most of all I was his Colin. And he knew that.
He caught his breath and scooted a little closer to me. Not as close as I’d like, but I wasn’t complaining. This was about him. Not me. Not my needs. His needs. I was ready for him. For the truth. Although at the same time I was scared. So very scared as to what it was he’s been keeping from me. He grabbed my hand softly and held it for a moment. He traced the lines on the palm of my hand, carefully following each path like a maze. His eyes were glued to my worn out hands and I couldn’t help but feel my heart flutter as I watched him vividly. Call me old fashioned, call me a wimp but it was something about Ryan when he did the simplest of actions like that, which made me fall in love with him all over again.
Just as I was becoming lost in his trance, like always, he suddenly stopped with the hand movement and I felt his eyes connect to mine with a rush of intensity so close I felt my hand shake. This was it. He was about to say it. He was finally going to tell me what lies beneath his stubborn façade.
God I was scared now.
But as promised, I waited and my ears listened.
"Colin. There is no easy way to say this. And we can take as long as it needs to talk about it later, but right now, what I’m about to say – it takes the whole of my energy just muttering the words." He spoke with firmness yet softness. More like a weakness. Like when you’re running a race and you get to the last 100 metres and you’re ahead but suddenly someone speeds past you and you realize what you held so close is about to slip from your grip. Just. Like. That. Within a split second. And then you know you’ve lost. That’s how he looked.
Now I was worried. Now I was shaking more. Now I was… I was listening still but I swear my legs were turning to jelly. He was killing me here.
"Take your time Ry. I’m here. I’m listening. Like you asked… go on" I replied with a tone that told him he was safe to continue. I wasn’t safe on the other hand, I felt like I was about to faint. But I held it together. For him. Like I always do. Like it’s second nature.
*****
"I have cancer."
And Just. Like. That.
There it was.
The truth.
Of all the gods above and below, nothing could have thrown me off course just like those 3 little words had. My heart had stopped beating. My face was white and my eyes widened as I watched the man in front of me fall apart. My skin tightened, my skull felt like it had sucked my brain in and suffocated every last cell inside me. I just couldn’t breathe. Suddenly, everything made sense. All my questions were answered with those three brutal words. This is why he’s been avoiding me. This is why he can’t look at me longer than a few minutes before fleeing the room. This is why he’s been hiding away.
God.
I never felt so selfish in my entire life. The guilt stomped over my body, creating violent thuds into every part of my skin, making sure I was feeling it.
Everything I had ever spoken to him, every bad word, every cuss, every nasty insult, every accusation I had stabbed at him with all punched me in the stomach as I felt my the acid begin to rise and before I knew it I had thrown up in my mouth. Everything was happening so quick yet I felt like I was moving at a seriously slow pace. Speech seemed like a foreign word as he gripped my shoulders lightly and asked me if I was alright. I heard some distant noises in the background but everything felt like a blur.
"Colin? Colin? Can you hear me?" I finally fully heard as I snapped out of it and he appeared before my eyes immediately.
"Ryan I… can’t… think…. Can’t… why? Why now? You never said befor… no… not real… not true, tell me, it’s not true…" I somehow muttered between pants as I was chasing the air that seemed to run away from me.
"Colin, it’s okay. Don’t panic. I’m okay, I’m okay. Trust me. Just calm down and breathe." Ryan said so softly stroking my face. You’d think I was the one who had the terminal illness. I was the one freaking out, going crazy, getting dizzy and talking absolute rubbish. He slowly pulled me close to him and hugged me like he’d never hugged me before. We’d shared a thousand, a million, a billion hugs over the years but this one was, different. I can’t put my finger on it but when you know, you just know. You know?
I think I loved him more than I ever did in that one moment when he took me in his arms.
And that was that. Just like he said earlier;
"it takes the whole of my energy just muttering the words"
And he was right. He’s always right. Always.
And I didn’t have the energy to ask him about it. I didn’t have the thought to make him explain. I didn’t want to put him through that. That would come all in good time. This was all about comforting one another and most of all me being there for the man that I loved more than life, it was about me proving how much we needed each other and that I wasn’t going to run away from problems. We’d face them together, as a team and as partners.
We stayed embraced in each other’s arms forever and I never wanted to let him go. I wanted to care for him in every way I could. And just as I was about to turn and face him, I felt his soft warm lips meet mine in a long sweet kiss that I had missed so much.
God I had missed it so.
We continued to kiss lightly and gently as I felt tears in my burning eyes. I felt them about to stream down my face, not in a hysterical fashion, but more of a long over-due "tears I’ve forced myself to not cry" kind. Suffice to say, they followed shortly after and I could taste the bitter taste of salt as it touched my lips, our lips as we never broke the kiss, only smiled half heartedly as they ran over our mouths. Even though Ryan had just told me, possibly the worst news I could ever wish to hear in my lifetime. I somehow felt the sudden urge to have him there and then. It wasn’t romantic or sensual but maybe it was in a way. I wanted to make love to him slowly and gently. I didn’t want sex. I didn’t want a quickie. I wanted to love him. Protect him. Hold him. Kiss him. Tell him how much I need him.
And I said all those things to him without having to move my trembling lips. His eyes told me everything I needed to know and before I could wipe away my tears he kissed me again, seeked my mouth and grabbed my head as he softly lulled me on top of him. We danced over each other’s bodies, in a slow, slow, tango of desire filled passion. Prolonged passion that we hadn’t both felt for a good few months. Oh and it was all coming back to me now. The taste of his tongue as it lapped up my saliva, the feel of his lips that were sucking me in with every breath and swallow we each took. The need of my heart to love him and love him forever as our fingers entwined and I held on for dear life. I wanted to learn everything about him. Although I knew everything already, I wanted to search again. I could never get enough of him. Never.
We groped and played like silly teenagers for at least an hour on that couch. Kissing like there was no tomorrow and with every kiss there was a meaning behind it. Something that didn’t need to be said but something that we both knew already. I was finally home. Finally back where I felt safe. In Ryan’s arms, my Ryan’s arms. He’s always protected me no matter what. But now it was my turn to protect him. Care for him. Love him. And I didn’t need anything or anyone to tell me how. I was completely and utterly giving myself to him in every way imaginable. It was just me and him now. And that’s all we needed.
"To the end, my love." I breathed softly.
"To the end." Ryan replied sinking his gaze into my eyes as I caught him and promised to forever keep him afloat.