New Year Revelations (Who am I Kidding?)
New Year Revelations (Who am I kidding?)
Pairing: Ry/Col
As the studio limo approached the departures terminal at LAX Colin could feel Ryan tense beside him.
‘God, why couldn’t we have driven’, Colin heard him mumble as he watched Ryan look out of the car window at the looming terminal building. Colin reached over and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder.
‘It’s only a short flight Ry’, but Ryan didn’t react; he just kept staring at the sign opposite their now parked car, marked ‘Departures’ with that symbol of a plane taking off. Even the sight of the sign filled him with dread and nausea; he knew he should have tried harder to persuade them to drive…
Colin knew it was best to let Ryan come round in his own time and got out of the car and stretched before helping Greg to unload the bags from the trunk. He couldn’t help but notice that the airport seemed to be quieter that it should be for New Year’s Eve.
‘How’s our tall aero phobic friend doing?’ Greg asked; smirking and giving his trademark cock of the eyebrow.
‘As you’d expect Greg’.
Colin hadn’t intended for the remark to be as sharp as it was but he resented the idea that Greg might get a kick out of Ryan’s weakness. He wasn’t exactly ecstatic about their travel arrangements either; but there was only one person to blame for that and that wasn’t Greg. He sighed as he pulled the last 2 holdalls from the car and slammed the trunk.
‘Hey bud, you ok?’ Greg asked.
‘Yeah, sorry, you know just this whole business really pissed me off’ he replied as he threw the bags onto the trolley Drew had located.
‘I’m gonna go on in and see where we’re checking in and stuff. What about Ryan? Want me to take him with me, get him a beer or somethin’, and steady him a bit?’ Drew asked, all with the best intentions.
‘I think it’s best for Ryan if he doesn’t spend any longer than is necessary in the airport’ Colin replied, conscious of the fact that Ryan was very much still in the car and showing no signs of getting out.
‘We’ve got plenty of time before the flight; I don’t want him to feel pressured. You go on and we’ll follow’.
‘Man, you are such a mother hen! I still say all he needs is a few beers, but hey, you’re the one who’s known him 20 years!’ Drew, affable as ever, picked up his hand luggage and strode off towards the entrance in search of their flight details.
Colin watched him disappear into the building and sighed to himself. Whilst they had plenty of time, if Ryan didn’t emerge soon he didn’t know what the next step would be. He felt anger and frustration bubbling within him as he recalled how this should all have been avoided, but there was no point in thinking like that; that wouldn’t help get Ryan out of the car.
‘Jesus, fuck, DAMNIT!’
Colin was brought back from his own thoughts by a string of Proops expletives, and he turned his attention to Greg, finding him kicking what was now the remainder of one of the wheels on the trolley.
‘Goddamn piece of shit won’t go straight’ *CRACK* ‘aw fuck’.
Colin watched in silence as the wheel finally gave way to Greg’s force, collapsing the trolley and rendering it useless. Typically, there wasn’t another trolley to be seen.
‘Nice work Greg’ was all he could manage; he didn’t have the energy, and instead began lifting the bags.
Hearing the commotion, Ryan resigned himself to leaving the car; finally giving their driver the chance to knock off for New Year. He slumped against the railings and stared at the entrance to the terminal without so much of a glance to what was happening with Colin and Greg. The sound of the car engine alerted Colin, who looked up quickly to check if the car had gone off with Ryan in it. Slumped against the railings he saw Ryan fidgeting; in a complete world of his own.
‘Hey Ry, you think you could help us with these bags? Greg tried out some DIY on the trolley and it didn’t quite come off’.
Colin tried to engage Ryan but all he solicited was an incoherent mumble. Greg was about to quip something witty, but seeing Ryan so out of it, thought that it was probably best that he kept his witty repartee to himself, at least until they landed in his home town of San Francisco.
Seeing Ryan so tense and uncomfortable; he looked physically sick; Greg couldn’t help but feel responsible. He would never have thought it possible for such a tall man to appear so small and vulnerable, but standing outside the airport it seemed that Ryan was shrinking before his eyes. He suddenly very much regretted persuading Ryan that the only way they could make it to San Francisco in time for New Year’s Eve would be to fly.
‘Only a hop and a drop buddy’, Greg had tried to lighten the mood. It hadn’t worked. They hadn’t been the best choice of words, but despite his protestations, Ryan himself knew that flying would be the only viable option. Thinking back to the conversation, Greg had pointed out to Ryan that it would take no more than 1hr 30mins from LAX, surely he could handle that? As he watched Colin gently prise Ryan from the railings and guide him towards the terminal building however, he wasn’t so sure.
-o-
Filming Whose Line took up a large chunk of their working year but at least it was all out of the way in the summer. It had always been agreed that way so that those with families could be at home when the kids got out of school and make up for the times they couldn’t be there. This had always been an especially important consideration for Ryan, who always put Christmas and the kids' birthdays before everything else. Until this year when Dan had dropped a bombshell on the last weekend of filming.
It was what was originally scheduled as the last weekend of filming when Dan came into the Green Room and announced he had some news.
‘Oh Dan! You’ve finally decided to act on the petition from the AHA’ Ryan piped up, folding his arms and looking expectantly at Dan as he stood awkwardly in the middle of the room.
‘The AHA?’ Dan replied with a look of utter confusion.
Ryan adopted a serious pose ‘yes, the Anti Hoedown Association, of which I am self-appointed President’.
Greg scoffed into his black coffee and stretched his long legs onto the coffee table in front of him. ‘Now that is a cause close to all our hearts, right Col?’
‘Sure has my vote, I’m getting too old to keep having to fake heart attacks and fall on the carpet’ Colin replied.
‘The rest of us won’t have to FAKE heart attacks if you keep coming out in those hideous shirts, Col’ said Ryan. ‘I mean what’s on that, it looks like a kid has vomited haribo all over it!’
‘Ryan’, Colin said calmly, ‘I have one word: shoes’, causing everyone else’s attention to fall on Ryan’s latest black and white checkerboard patterned footwear.
Ryan smiled, giving Colin a friendly one fingered salute. ‘Sorry Dan, what were you saying?’
Dan shuffled uncomfortably and rubbed his face. He had to tell them; might as well get it over with.
‘Look’ his voice dropped until it was almost inaudible. ‘You’re not going to like what I have to say, but before I say anything, you have to be aware that there is no alternative to this; I have tried to negotiate but it is impossible, and if we don’t agree then we will be held in breach of contract’.
The usually calm and unflappable Dan Patterson was gabbling and not making much sense. Greg straightened in his seat and shot a worried glance at Colin and Ryan.
‘Breach of contract? That’s pretty serious Dan, what’s the problem?’ Colin asked; all traces of recent frivolity rapidly disappearing from the room.
‘This won’t be your last weekend of filming, I’m sorry’ he managed to say, glancing at the room but unable to sustain eye contact with any of the individuals.
‘Sooo…we have to do another week? Is that it?’ Greg replied nonchalantly. ‘Well I’m sure we can all manage another week in LA, providing you pick up the beer tab Danny boy!’ he joked, but Dan didn’t react.
Ryan, who had known Dan longer than the others, got up and leaned against the sink, arms crossed in a confrontational pose directly facing their Producer- who still hadn’t managed to look at them for any more than 3 seconds at a time.
‘It’s not as simple as just another week in LA though, is it Dan? There’s something more isn’t there?’ he asked.
Colin knew by the tone of his voice that Mount Ryan was dangerously close to erupting, and everything hinged on Dan’s next response. As the producer raised his glance upward and encountered Ryan he knew that this was not going to go down well.
‘No’. More silence.
‘Jeeze Dan, just tell us already’ Greg whined, bored of whatever head fucking game Dan had embarked on.
‘Yeah Dan, whatever it is you had better tell us’ Colin offered, trying to maintain a semblance of calm on the situation.
That’s when the shit had truly hit the fan.
‘I KNEW IT! THIS IS FUCKING TEXT BOOK TYPICAL DAN’ Ryan growled.
‘Look Ryan…’ he began to remonstrate.
‘NO, don’t even fucking TRY to justify this Dan. We all of us work ourselves fucking stupid, devoting the majority of our working year to the show because of your goddamn regulations and yet you wait until the last fucking minute to tell us THIS? Colin and I have kids we hardly ever see and you stand there and announce that we have no OPTION other than to work Christmas week because of contractual OBLIGATIONS?! Well fuck you and fuck your goddamn obligations’.
Dan had had nothing to say in his defence and it was at that point that Colin rose to his feet to occupy the rapidly shortening distance between Ryan and Dan.
‘Ryan’ he said firmly but calmly, having the desired effect as Ryan threw himself into a chair in the corner.
He turned his gaze to Dan. ‘Is there really no other option; no way that we could do the extra filming at any other time?’
Colin’s voice was emotionless but he always preferred to sort things out without losing his temper. Regardless, Dan knew by Colin’s reaction that he was just as angry about the situation as Ryan.
‘I’m sorry…if there was a way around it, I've tried every possible avenue believe me.’ He was cut off by a scoff emanating from Ryan in the corner.
‘Believe you, that’s fucking rich’.
‘Ryan’, Colin interjected again.
‘Ryan what? Don’t fucking "Ryan" me; are you telling me you’re happy about having your Christmas interrupted because this ass hole can't remember how many shows we've taped?’
Colin sighed inwardly; he didn’t want to argue with Ryan, but trying to get him to reason something like this out was no easy task.
‘Of course I’m not happy about it, but if there is really no alternative then what choice do we have? Losing your temper is just a waste of energy when the outcome will remain unchanged’.
Ryan could feel his entire body seething. Colin’s infuriatingly correct logic maddened him. Why couldn’t he just lose it like everyone else? But deep down he knew he was right, as he invariably always was. Defeated, he turned his attention to Greg.
‘And what do you have to say about all this, you’ve been unusually quiet’.
Greg took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes before replacing them idly. ‘I think it sucks – for you and Col, but for me, well with no kids at home Christmas is just another holiday. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as pissed as the rest of you that I’ll have to reorganise shit but if it’s gotta be done I can’t really object on the grounds that you can’.
‘So you’re in favour, great Greg, thanks a lot’ Ryan replied petulantly.
‘Drew is on board and Jeff has agreed to take the 4th chair, so..’ Dan ventured in an attempt to move the situation forward, but, as Colin sighed audibly at the Englishman’s insensitivity, Ryan erupted once more.
‘Oh HAS he’ Ryan said sarcastically, ‘well I’ll tell you what then Dan, you carry on with the show and do it with Greg and Jeff. Improvise for once in your fucking life. I for one won’t be there’; and he stomped out of the room in an unmitigated rage.
Colin threw Dan a glance that conveyed all of his anger.
'Oh Christ' Dan managed as he sank into a chair. 'Ryan is just so bloody..' he began, only to be interrupted by Colin.
'NO Dan, stop right there. Don't even think about finishing that. You come in here and tell us that we have no choice but to dance to your tune because you can't do your job and you expect us to go along with it?'
It was rare that anyone saw Colin truly lose his cool, but by the tone of his voice Dan knew better than to try and make him see that things weren't his fault. Colin had been willing to grudgingly accept the situation Dan had dropped on them, until he had thrown all sensitivity out the window with his last outburst, and he was damned if he was going to stand there and let Dan try and shift the focus of blame to Ryan.
'You know how Ryan feels about family- just how the hell did you expect him to react?
'Oh for Christ's sake Colin, I'm sick of constantly having to pussy foot around Ryan and his bloody mood swings. I've said the situation is unfortunate, but there is NOTHING I can do about it. Why can't he accept it and get on with things like everyone else?'
Dan was fed up with trying to appease the constantly temperamental Ryan Stiles. He'd had years of it and enough was enough.
'I'll tell you why Dan, because he shouldn't have to. What you've landed us with here today is unacceptable, whether we have kids or not. You've waited until the last conceivable moment to tell us, giving us no time to figure out and alternative, and you've dealt with the situation with as much finesse as a rhino in a tutu.'
Colin's voice had lowered to that tone that made Dan feel uncomfortably like he was a 12 year old again and being told by his Dad that he was so 'disappointed' in him. Not knowing when to leave a bad situation alone however, his arrogance got the best of him.
'Well fine, let him do whatever the hell he likes. He'll be held in breach of contract and sued if he doesn’t do the filming. I'm sure that's a much better alternative for his family'. Greg, who had been silently observing until now, exhaled a low laugh.
'Jeeze Dan you are one arrogant piece of shit. You just don't know when you're beat'. Before he could retort, Colin interjected.
'I couldn’t have put it better myself. And now I suppose it is typically going to be left to me to sort this out, unless you think that blackmailing Ryan with a law suit really is the better way to go?'
Dan said nothing, fixing his stony gaze on the wall behind Greg's head.
'I thought as much' and with that Colin left the room in search of Ryan.
Out of the corner of his eye Dan could see Greg smirking and shaking his head.
'Don't say a word Greg or I'll bloody well throw you off the show'.
Greg laughed; knowing it would infuriate Dan even more.
'Ok dude, your call, but then you'll be left with trying to find replacements for me and Ryan, but hey, I know you like to make life difficult for yourself.'
'OH FUCK YOU GREG!' Dan yelled, knocking over the coffee table on his way out, the sound of Greg's hysterical nasal laughter invading his ears as he stalked off down the corridor.
-o-
Arriving at Ryan's trailer, the rage was almost palpable from behind the closed door. Tentatively, but loud enough so Ryan couldn’t ignore him, Colin tapped on the door.
'Ry?' he said gently as he opened the door and half entered, unsure as to how he would be received.
Ryan sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands and didn't look at Colin, though he was aware of his presence.
'Look Ry, I know' Colin began.
'No Col, don't even bother' Ryan replied with a sigh, running his hands through his hair and redirecting his attention to the ceiling.
He really wasn’t in the mood for company, and had it been anyone but Colin they would have been told in no uncertain terms to ‘fuck off’. He knew it would be Colin who would come to him though, as he always did after any wrangles with Dan, and despite his foul mood he was glad Colin had sought him out. Colin noted that Ryan’s eyes were red; he had been crying. He couldn’t think of anything to say but knew that Ryan would talk to him when he wanted to; so he settled into the chair opposite the foot of the bed. After a few minutes had passed, Ryan let out a groan of frustration and flung himself back on the bed.
'I'm just so sick of being fucked around Col, sick of being treated like a production company commodity. This isn't worth it. Not when I have to be away from my kids on Christmas. How am I supposed to tell them? It'll just be more ammunition for Pat', he added almost inaudibly.
Colin knew that Ryan's marriage had had problems lately. He knew how he felt; it was difficult to try and have any sort of normal relationship with their working timetable. Keen to focus on the reality of the situation whilst remaining sensitive to Ryan's feelings, however, Colin reminded Ryan that they would only be required for filming from 28th-30th December.
'So whilst it's not ideal, we’ll have Christmas at home, and will be back for New Year' he said, in the hope that Ryan would be placated.
Ryan rubbed his eyes and smiled. If Colin hadn't been so good a comedian, he would have made a first rate UN envoy.
'Captain Calm as ever Col' he said, and Colin knew he had won the battle and Ryan was coming round.
'Probably more suitable than Captain Hair, huh?'
Ryan looked into the hazel eyes he had known for over 20 years and instantly felt a sense of peace restore within him. Ever since they’d become friends Colin had been the only person to have that affect on Ryan; not even Pat could bring him out of his temper. He had never been sure how Colin managed to do it; it was something he couldn’t quite put a finger on, but he knew that they shared a connection unlike anything he felt with anyone else.
Ryan's inner peace was short lived however, as it was interrupted by the arrival of Drew and Greg, who waved his handkerchief around the door of the trailer before entering.
'We come in peace' said the instantly recognisable nasal voice as the two bespectacled co-stars popped their heads around the door.
Ryan managed a laugh. 'Come in, I've had my dose of calming medication' he said, looking fondly at Colin and causing the Canadian's cheeks to flush ever so slightly.
Colin shifted in his seat and smiled, cursing himself for always blushing so easily when Ryan looked at him that way.
'So, you all know the plan then?' Drew asked, settling himself at the dresser whilst Greg shamelessly flung himself onto Ryan's bed and stretched out. Ryan frowned at Greg before turning to answer Drew.
'Yeah Col said, filming 28th-30th December then back in time to ring in the New Year, although I'll have to get a bus and drive all through the night to get back on time..what's wrong?'
Ryan noticed that Drew had turned an unhealthy shade of white.
'Um, Dan told you we finished on the 30th?'
Colin started to tense; he felt that Mount Ryan had not quite finished its activity for the day.
'Yes that's what he said. What do you know that's different Drew?'
Reluctantly, Drew told them that Dan clearly hadn't got his facts straight. The studio was booked until 5pm on 31st December; they couldn't film on the 30th due to the taping of some New Year's quiz that would be screened the next night. Greg shot up from the bed.
'OK, now I'm pissed - so you're telling us that we have to miss New Year's Eve on top of this shit?'
Colin could see Ryan clenching his fists and knew that if someone didn’t speak soon Ryan would combust.
'Drew, come on, they can't ask us to work until 5pm New Year's eve and expect us to get back home on time' he said, trying to hide his irritation and keep the situation calm for as long as possible.
'Look, relax' Drew said, raising his hands in a sign of surrender. 'Whilst the studio is booked until 5pm, we'll be finished way before that, and the studio will pay for all flights so everyone can get where they need to be on time'. Colin and Greg knew immediately that Drew had said the wrong thing.
'FLIGHTS?!' Ryan exclaimed, 'I ain't flying anywhere Drew, nuh uh, no way, not happening. We can finish on the 30th so I can drive back home- final offer.'
Drew groaned at himself for not realising that Ryan's aero phobia would be the flaw in the plan.
'Shit Ryan, I forgot' he sighed.
'Yeah, well I'm reminding you' Ryan said as he had begun involuntarily to pace the floor at the mere mention of flying.
'It just won't be possible' Drew said, more to himself than anyone else.
Ryan was too absorbed in his own fear to hear him, but the words did not go unnoticed by Colin and Greg.
'Drew' Colin said gently, 'the Production Company will just have to fold on this one- you know Ryan can't fly back to Washington'.
'You're damn right he can't, and he WON'T.' Ryan felt that the Gods must be against him – first Dan tried to ruin his Christmas break, and then Drew tried to solve the problem by flying him home. Things had gone from bad to worse.
After what seemed like an eternity of 'No's coming from Ryan, Greg, who had been silently pondering the situation came up with what he thought to be a pretty good plan.
'Ladies, if I may take the floor here and make a proposition, I think I may have the solution to our problem'.
Colin saw Ryan's form flash past him once more. 'Ryan, please, for the love of God, will you sit down? You're giving me motion sickness. No one is making you fly anywhere. Go on Greg'.
Ryan sloped reluctantly against the wall. Satisfied that he had everyone's attention, Greg related his plan. As he lived closest in San Francisco, why didn’t everyone relocate their New Year's Eve plans to his place? There was plenty of room for everyone and their partners/kids to stay and families could fly down to be there ahead of the day.
'And Ryan you can leave Bellingham whenever suits your tall self to get here in time for filming and then we can all travel to San Fran together once we're done'. Greg relaxed smugly as the others digested his offer.
Ryan was the first to speak. 'Mm well it would mean we could all be with our families and I guess I could get Pat to book the arrangements now. But thing is, we'll still have to leave early from here on 31st, it would take us maybe 8 hours to drive to your place with traffic on New Year's Eve'.
Colin, who had been thinking along the same lines, knew Ryan had a point. They would need to leave LA no later than 2pm to give themselves a safety net.
Greg shifted. His bravado was diminishing.
'Um well I wasn't really thinking that we'd drive. It's only 1hr 30 MAX in the air to San Fran, and I was kinda hoping you could manage that, and that would mean we could get an early evening flight, giving the studio time to piss us around as they usually do'. Greg spoke quickly in the hope Ryan wouldn't have as long to process what he'd said.
Ryan's eyes bulged so wide that Drew thought they were going to leave his head. He stared at Greg open mouthed, unable to formulate a sound, turning to Colin who took his silent look as a request to plead his case.
'Greg, come on' Colin sighed - we've just spent the past hour in a stalemate because we all know Ryan can't fly, and your solution is to do exactly that'.
Ryan had resumed pacing the floor and looked increasingly uncomfortable.
'But Greg's right' Drew moaned. 'You know how erratic the filming can be. If we left our only option to drive there is no way we'd make it to Greg's on time'.
'GODDAMNIT I know he's right' Ryan yelled, causing Colin to rise slightly from his seat. There was a silence as Ryan had come to an abrupt halt in the middle of the trailer. They all waited for him to say something. Colin broke the silence.
'So what do you wanna do Ry?' It was make or break time. Ryan seemed to be weighing things up in his mind.
'So it'd be 1hr 30 max' he ruminated.
'Yeah, not even that man, it's literally a hop and a drop, sometimes it doesn't even take that'
'Um Greg?' Colin flashed him a look of warning. Greg realised it would be best if he kept his analogies on flying to himself.
'Ok' Ryan said as he straightened himself up and took a breath. Drew looked at Greg who gave a shrug.
'Ok…what Ryan?' he asked cautiously.
'Ok you can book me a seat on a damn plane, BUT IF we finish at 2.30pm or earlier on 31st we drive'.
Even as he’d said it, Colin could hear the fear in Ryan’s voice and see him clinging on to the slight (and it was very slight) hope that they would travel by car.
From the moment Ryan reached the studio on 31st December he had been a bundle of nerves. Pat had been less than impressed with having to rearrange their New Year’s plans; only being placated when Ryan told her that Deb and Luke and would be flying down to join Colin at Greg’s also. They had already arrived at Greg’s on the afternoon of 30th and would be expecting Ryan, Colin, Greg and Drew late evening on New Year’s Eve, without the aid of wings Ryan hoped, as he looked at his wrist yet again.
'Man if you would stop looking at your watch every 10 seconds we might actually get this finished up and you could look forward to your 8 hour joy ride' Greg had said sarcastically.
He'd had a point but Ryan couldn’t help it. The prospect of having to fly made him want to wretch, and as they finally broke for lunch at 1pm after a sound problem, he knew that his journey to Greg's would take a lot less than 8 hours. God he wished he had persuaded them more to drive…
-o-
Watching Colin having to physically prise Ryan from the railings and the safety of terra firma, Greg felt shitty. Although they had all, even Ryan, conceded that flying was their only option, it wasn’t until now that Greg realised the sacrifice Ryan was making. It was like watching a man condemned knowing he had to make his final journey. Fleetingly Greg caught sight of the Alamo car rental sign and thought about hiring a car. A glimpse of his watch reminded him of the futility of his well intentioned thought. The studio had kept them far too late for that. It was already 6.15pm and for them to make San Francisco by road by midnight they would not only need a clear road but to hope that the Police Traffic department had taken a sabbatical so that they could make a new land speed record.
Man I can’t watch this Greg thought as he saw Colin trying to talk Ryan round. He knew he was being selfish but also knew that he would be more of a hindrance than a help. If anyone was going to get Ryan into the airport it was only going to be Colin.
‘Col?’ he said quietly, motioning him over with a flick of his head.
Colin looked hesitantly at Ryan, unsure as whether to leave him; afraid he might abscond.
‘Yeah?’ he replied; one eye still on Ryan, who, Greg could have sworn, was looking woefully at the car rental lots that were closing down for the holidays.
‘Look I’m not gonna be of any help here. Give me your bags and I’ll go see if Drew’s got everything fixed up. Will you be ok to get Ryan in?
Colin passed over his and Ryan’s luggage and nodded; preferring not to say anything and keen for Greg to go on ahead. He didn’t want Ryan to feel that they were talking about him as if he was some kind of spectacle.
As Greg made his way across the walkway to the terminal, Colin refocused his full attention on Ryan.
‘Greg’s just taken the bags and gone to make sure Drew isn’t causing a security incident’ he said, trying anything to divert Ryan’s mind.
Ryan’s eyes remained fixed on the concrete below him. I’ll look at anything but those damn doors; he repeated the mantra in his head. He felt Colin’s hand rubbing his back, causing him to look up. Colin’s heart almost broke at the green eyes that begged him to do something, anything; at the green eyes that had the power to turn the pit of his stomach into jelly. Colin averted his eyes and set his mind on moving Ryan. If he looked at those eyes any longer he would have broken into the nearest car and hot wired it for Ryan to get away.
‘Come on’ Colin said gently, lightly pulling Ryan’s elbow to bring him into step with him as they began walking towards the entrance. Ryan didn’t feel the need to resist Colin’s touch, even though he knew where it was leading him to. The innate trust that bonded them and made them such a good improv team extended to their friendship, and Ryan knew that he could feel safe as long as Colin was there. Colin carried their hand luggage and let Ryan dictate the pace. There was no need to rush; he wanted the walk to be a time for Ryan to try and settle his emotions in the hope that he would be calmer by the time they got to the door. As they approached the imposing glass doors, however, the rumble of an aircraft engine shutting down rooted Ryan to the spot.
‘I can’t do this Col. I’m sorry, I just can’t’ he said glancing sideways to avoid looking through the glass and into the terminal concourse.
Colin remained composed. ‘What can I do to help Ry?’ he asked calmly.
Ryan’s gaze remained focused on the road out of the airport. He sighed as his voice caught. ‘When I had to fly as a kid, my Mom would always hold my hand…look I know I’m stupid Col’ Ryan’s voice halted as the *thud* of a bag dropping caused him to look around.
Before he could finish his sentence Ryan felt Colin lace his fingers through his own and give his hand a reassuring squeeze. Colin’s hand was instantly soft; warm and comforting. Colin hadn’t hesitated. The idea that it might seem weird never entered his mind; he would have done anything to make Ryan feel more comfortable. Ryan blinked down at Colin and smiled his gratitude; already soothed ten fold by the gentle circles Colin had subconsciously begun tracing on his palm with his thumb.
As Ryan smiled his ‘thanks’, Colin’s kind hazel eyes radiated ‘no problem’. Colin pushed through the door and led Ryan into the check in area. He felt Ryan resist slightly as he took in the high ceilings and the various airline desks and shops selling travellers last minute things they may have forgotten at 3 times the price. Colin pressed Ryan’s hand to remind him that things were ok and they walked on. To the few people milling around the terminal they probably cut a strange sight. Two grown middle aged men walking hand in hand through LAX, one of which looked like a deer caught in headlights wasn’t necessarily an everyday occurrence, but as they passed a man dressed as a lobster with a hand written sign that offered travellers ‘a pinch for an inch’ Ryan reckoned they were very normal indeed.
-o-
When Drew had entered the terminal in search of their check- in desk he found a message on the electronic information board directing him to ‘Area C’ for ‘further information’ regarding the 8.30pm flight to San Francisco. Rather than go on through he decided to wait for the others in case they got separated, or, more to the point, in case Ryan went AWOL. When he saw Greg approaching alone he feared that Ryan had done just that. Hijacked the studio car and headed off into the night. Greg explained that he had left Colin to make progress with Ryan, but as the time passed, bringing the check in deadline closer, Drew began to get agitated.
‘Dude would you just relax? We weren’t all marines you know. Military timing isn’t in our blood. And anyway, we have oodles of time.’ Greg said, eliciting a grunt from Drew. He might as well have talked to the floor as Drew ignored him. Punctuality was part of his mechanism and he needed to be everywhere with time to spare.
‘Where are they? They need to be here in the next 5 minutes or else we won’t have enough time’ he said with a tone of growing unease.
‘Drew, look’ said Greg, pointing down the middle of the floor. ‘HEY!’ he waved. Colin raised his arm in acknowledgement as they approached.
‘Thank God for that’ said Drew, looking at his watch.
‘See I told you it’d be cool. You can always rely on Col’. Greg started to gather the luggage.
‘Yeah yeah I know, I’m a worry wart…’ Drew squinted to make sure it wasn’t the effect of too much caffeine catching up with him. ‘Um Greg?’
‘What Drew, I’m kinda busy with the bags here. It’s no picnic when Ryan travels with enough shoes for a centipede convention.’ he said with emphasis, in the hope that Drew would take the hint and help. He didn’t. ‘What is it?’ he straightened up.
As Colin and Ryan came closer into view Drew dropped his voice. ‘Are they…look Greg – are they holding hands?!’ Greg squinted to get a closer look.
‘Holy Shit’ Greg chuckled. ‘I knew Colin could be persuasive but I never imagined he’d resort to those tactics’. Man I always said those 2 were like a couple. Look at that – they’ve just proven me right’ he said, giving Drew a knowing wink and returning his attention to the bags.
‘Ugh Greg, you don’t think…?
‘Oh JEEZE Drew! Have a day off dude! Look, Colin’s got Ryan here and that’s all that matters. So what if it’s hand in hand? Anyway, I think they look sweet’.
Colin and Ryan caught up with Greg and Drew; Greg noticed that Ryan appeared much more like his old self. It was still clear that there were places he’d rather be, but Colin had worked wonders.
‘We all set Drew?’ Colin asked with a smile, still hand in hand with Ryan.
It didn’t matter. Colin deserved credit for getting Ryan this far, but Drew couldn’t get past the fact that they were standing in front of him with their hands intertwined as if they were lovers. Sure, he had seen them do that and more during a skit, but in the middle of an airport in Real Life it was weird!
‘Um, yeah. Sure. The screen says we gotta go through here to Area C, so um look gimme those bags and I’ll go on through’. Drew gabbled and before they knew it had grabbed the bags and scuttled through the passage.
Greg doubled over laughing. ‘Ohh man you gotta love Drew’.
‘What’s made him so jumpy?’ Colin asked bemused, forcing Greg into deeper fits of giggles.
‘You have!! Seeing you and Ryan approaching him hand in hand like that has thrown him way off balance. You’ve disrupted his military chi.’
Ryan furrowed his brow in thought and looked down at his hand in Colin’s. He couldn’t see anything strange.
‘Why? Do we look weird or something?’
As far as Ryan was concerned there was nothing strange about standing hand in hand with Colin; so much was he absorbed in combating his flight fright. Drew had seen it plenty of times before on the show. This shouldn’t be any different. He was faintly aware that Colin and tightened the grip on his hand when he asked Greg if they looked weird. Colin had felt a need to be prepared to protect and defend at any given moment, but he needn’t have worried.
‘Man, you crack me up’ said Greg, regaining his breath. ‘No you don’t look weird. You know Drew, it’s just him being provincial, and let’s face it Col, you’ve always made a convincing woman.’ Greg lost it again.
Colin shook his head with resignation. ‘Why am I always the damn woman?’ he laughed.
‘Because I have the bigger feet’ Ryan quipped, a smile lighting up his eyes for the first time that day. ‘And you know what they say about big feet…’
‘Yeah, big fucking shoes’ Greg jumped in. ‘Big fucking HEAVY shoes’ he added, throwing the bag at Ryan. ‘Come on let’s catch up with General Time Keep before he blows a fuse.
-o-
As Colin and Ryan followed Greg towards check-in, Ryan felt Colin relax the grip on his hand and saw him take in the scene ahead. When they reached the end of the corridor and the various airline insignia came into view on Ryan’s horizon, however, he felt panic set in once again. There wasn’t the usual hustle and bustle that made up the normal airport environment, but nonetheless it was enough to make his heart beat quicken and the sensation of claustrophobia set in.
Colin cast his eyes around Area C. This is weird…where is everyone? He thought as he saw no more than a dozen people. Spotting Greg and Drew he moved to walk towards them, but noticed that Ryan had stopped once again; his face had regained its earlier frightened expression.
‘Ryan? Is everything ok?’ he asked.
Ryan stared at his hand, loosely now in Colin’s before lifting his eyes to him.
‘It’s just’ he began in a small voice. ‘Just..’ he blinked before meeting Colin’s gaze. ‘Do you promise not to let go?’
Looking in Ryan’s eyes, it was as if all peripheral life stopped; Colin felt his heart skip a beat before hearing it pound out its increased rhythm loud in his ears. Ryan was looking at him with such dependency and trust. He was massaging Colin’s fingers lightly with his own; clinging to his fingertips as he waited expectantly with that pleading look. A look that was stirring things in Colin he hadn’t felt in such a long time.
‘Col?’ Ryan prompted with a questioning fear.
Colin snapped out of the world he had found himself in and blinked.
‘I’m sorry Ry…of course I promise’ he said smiling, taking Ryan’s hand fully into his own and locking their fingers tight together. I will never let go he vowed.
‘I’m sorry to be so pathetic’ Ryan felt he needed to explain.
‘No need, I was miles away’ Colin replied, noticing that the shade of blue in Ryan’s shirt really accentuated those captivating green eyes. He swallowed hard. My God what am I *thinking*?
‘Well just as long as you take me with you next time’ Ryan replied with a smile.
‘Huh? Take you where?’ Colin looked confused.
‘Wherever it is you went just then. Keep up Col!’ Ryan tugged his hand.
‘Oh, yeah sure!’ Colin laughed it off as he let Ryan lead them to meet Drew.
But you’re already there…Colin closed his eyes to compose himself, and as he exhaled a deep breath he realised Ryan had always been there. Deep in a far corner of his mind, where he hadn’t gone in so long…Ryan had always been there with him. Way to go and complicate things Col he chastised himself, but as Drew approached them stony faced, he didn’t have time to think about things any further.
‘I’ve just received our ‘further information’ he said despondently. ‘We have a big problem’.
At Drew's words Colin felt Ryan's grip on his hand change. What had minutes before been a symbol of innate trust and acceptance had turned rapidly into a grip of utter panic and alarm. Whilst Colin tried in some way to convey comfort to Ryan, he couldn’t help but feel anxious himself. Regardless of how good a flyer one is 'problem' is not a word that anyone likes to associate with airports, especially in the current climate of terrorism and extremists.
-o-
Drew knew as soon as he had approached the desk that the information he was about to receive wasn’t going to be favourable. The young girl who had clearly drawn the short straw in having to deal with passengers, looked weary and on the verge of tears.
'Hi' Drew beamed, in the hope that the look on the girl's face was just as a result of having to work on New Year's Eve. 'Passengers Carey, Proops, Mochrie and Stiles for the 8.30 to San Fransisco'.
'Oh' she said dejectedly, 'you're the last four to arrive. I hoped you'd heard the news already' and with that she explained, for the 150th time that day, the airline's 'official stance' on the situation. An official stance that Drew would have to explain to the others; one that he knew wouldn't go down well with at least one of their party. Turning from the desk to rejoin the others, he'd bumped into Greg, causing him to drop his bags.
'Man Drew sometimes I swear you need to get your eyes re-lasered. Can't you look where you're damn going?' It was then that Greg had taken note of Drew's expression and that Drew had told him what had happened.
'Fuckwits' he said venomously but quietly, aware that Ryan wasn't too far behind them. 'Well I guess that's it, there's nothing we can do' he said, meeting Drew's gaze.
'Well there is one other option..' he trailed off as Ryan and Colin stopped in front of him. Colin cocked his head to the side and smiled expectantly at Drew. ‘I’ve just received our ‘further information’ he said despondently. ‘We have a big problem’.
-o-
Reluctantly, and with every good intention of trying not to cause any undue alarm, Drew related the information he had been given to Colin and Ryan. It had been all over the news, but obviously they had missed it being cooped up in the studio trying frantically to finish the filming. As a result of 'intelligence' received earlier that afternoon, all United flights going out of and coming into LAX had been cancelled due to a terrorist threat. After sufficient intelligence had been gathered special service agents had raided a house in downtown LA; uncovered several United Airlines flight plans, all scheduled for New Year's Eve complete with blue prints of LAX. In addition, bomb making equipment and United Airlines staff maintenance uniforms and fake identification that would have given anyone wearing them access to United aircraft had also been found. Unfortunately no suspects had been accosted during the raid, leaving the police with the rather disconcerting thought that those involved may still strike.
'But that's unlikely' Drew added 'they obviously got wind of the raid and made a run for it.'
Colin knew without looking at Ryan how he was reacting inside. He was finding it difficult to comprehend the information himself and it seemed like an eternity before he realised that Drew was waiting for one of them to say something.
'So what do you want to do?' Drew prompted.
'Do?' Colin replied confused. 'What do you mean? What can we do?' He felt Ryan rigid by his side; looking at him saw that his face was alabaster, all the blood having drained out of it. 'Ry, do you want to sit down?' he asked gently.
Ryan turned to face him and shook his head before focusing on Drew. 'What's going to happen?' he asked, catching Drew off guard. He hadn't expected this kind of reaction from Ryan. If anything he'd expected him to be on the floor by now.
'Yeah Drew' Greg interjected, 'you said there was another option'.
'Well' he began, 'whilst all United flights are cancelled, the airline is offering passengers the opportunity to transfer to other airlines in an attempt to get people home for the holidays. Our only option now is to fly to Denver and try to get to San Francisco from there. All other flights out of here are full'. He watched the others compute what he had just said and make the calculations in their heads.
Colin spoke first. 'But that's like going round the world for a short cut - we don't have enough time for that; we'd never be there in time - and who's to say once we'd get to Denver that we'd even get on a flight to San Francisco?'
'We could make it - just. The Denver flight leaves in 20 minutes and we could be on it'. Ryan's eyes widened at Drew's suggestion and the only sound he managed was a whimper.
'I..I don't' he stammered 'Col, I can't' he said to Colin, eyes glistening with tears like a petrified child. His hand was sweaty.
'Drew, come on' said Greg, 'You said it yourself- this is a big problem. Col's right - we'd be cutting it damn fine even if we were guaranteed a way into San Francisco from there, and to be honest I don't much like the idea of flying on any aircraft outta here right now'.
'Look, the only 'big problem' we have could be Ryan' said Drew exasperated, 'this is all just scare mongering in an attempt to disrupt one of the busiest times of the year. The airport would be closed completely if the authorities were really worried about it. We can't let these bastards get to us - this is exactly what they want - to disrupt and bring us to our knees in fear. The best thing for us to do would be to fly to Denver and then fly to Greg's. We'd get there eventually'.
Three faces stared at Drew in shock and disbelief. This was no longer the affable Drew Carey who presented their show. This was Recruit Carey formerly of the US Marine Corps; a soldier who didn’t want the citizens of the United States to be dictated to by threats and fear.
'Drew this is complete insanity' Colin replied, the insult to Ryan not going unnoticed by him. 'You can't seriously be considering that we fly to Denver, which is totally out of our way, in the middle of a terrorism threat in the hope that we get to San Francisco eventually just because you want to prove a point to extremists.'
Greg nodded in agreement. 'Dude Colin's right. Look I'm all for the mighty power of the US of A and all that but I disagree. The best thing for us to do is stay put.'
Drew lost any shred of patience he had left. 'NO, you're WRONG' he growled. 'Statistics prove that travel by air is safer by far than train or car, and I for one am not going to be dictated to by some god damned extremist who's playing at soldiers.'
'I don't call finding BOMB making equipment and blue prints 'playing at soldiers Drew' Greg snapped. 'It sounds to me like you're the one who wants to play that game'.
'What the fuck are you insinuating Greg' Drew squared up to him.
'Would you two shut the hell up and HELP me' Colin screamed. Ryan had slumped to the floor and had begun to hyperventilate and shake in a fit.
'Holy shit…' Greg dropped to his knees beside Ryan as Drew stood, rooted motionless to the spot.
'Hold his head, quick. Keep it off the ground' Colin instructed Greg as he unzipped his carry all and discarded a book he had bought for the trip from its paper bag. Kneeling behind Ryan, Colin took his head and cradled it in his lap, reaching round with the bag in his other hand and holding it to his mouth.
'Come on Ry, breathe, come on' but Ryan was still flailing on the ground.
'What's happening to him, should we get a paramedic?' Greg asked, worried by the sight of their friend fitting on the ground.
'No, he's just having a panic attack. Just try to steady him' Colin had half expected Ryan might react like this at some point. 'Come on Ry, it's ok, you're ok. Just breathe into the bag like before'.
As Colin cradled his head, tracing his hand over the back of his neck to soothe him, Ryan began to regulate his breathing into the paper bag Colin was holding over his mouth. Tentatively he brought his hands up from his side to take hold of the bag. As he did so Colin brought his other hand to Ryan's head and began stroking his hair. Greg stared in shock at what he had just seen, unable to formulate even a sound.
Ryan felt dazed, but slowly he regained focus in front of him and was able to make out a shocked Greg kneeling in front of him. The last thing he had remembered was Drew losing his temper, shouting that they should all fly to Denver. His heart had quickened then and he couldn’t catch a breath. Now he was on the floor and feeling comforted by hands that he knew could only belong to Colin.
Satisfied that Ryan's composure was returning to some semblance of normal, Colin looked at Drew and spoke. His voice was low so as not to cause any trauma to Ryan, but the tone and his eyes left no doubt as to his feelings.
'This stops now Drew. We should never have been here in the first place but I'm telling you now that neither Ryan nor myself are leaving here on an aircraft.'
Drew tried to put his case across 'but Colin'
'No'. Colin's voice was firm but he still refrained from shouting, all the while his hands cradled Ryan's head as he continued to breathe into the bag as Greg looked on in awe. He had felt totally helpless. What if Colin hadn't been there? On the floor Ryan was thinking the same thing.
'No Drew. This ends here and now. We aren't making it to Greg's tonight, and when we eventually do it won't be on an aircraft'. Colin returned his gaze to Ryan, who looked back at him. 'It's ok Ry, you aren't flying anywhere' he smiled. Ryan blinked and felt his heartbeat gradually near towards normal. 'You and Greg can do as you wish' he added distantly.
'Hell no' Greg said firmly. 'I'm with you guys. I'll ring Jen and tell her what's happened. We can drive up tomorrow, or get a train or whatever but I'm not flying anywhere'. 'Drew, what do you say?'
Drew was looking at Ryan on the floor and saw how helpless he was. He knew that he was partly to blame; his outburst couldn’t have helped the situation but damnit he was right and they shouldn't have their lives dictated to.
'I'm flying to Denver' he replied frostily. 'If I can get to San Francisco from there then I'll take that chance. If not, well I've got friends in Denver so..'
'Right' Colin said without looking at him, his voice cold. 'Ryan, do you think you could stand? Then we can get out of here'. Ryan nodded and eased himself up to a sitting position. 'Greg can you help him?' Colin asked, taking charge of the situation and realising that he should have done so a long time ago. Greg stood up and went behind Ryan, linking his arms under his and gently bringing him to his feet.
Drew felt invisible; as if he was standing on the other side of a glass division watching what was unfolding before him. Colin had instantly excluded him and it hurt, but Drew had a lot of pride and he wasn't going to back down over this. Checking his watch he saw that he had 5 minutes to get to the gate and picked up his bag.
'Drew, don't be an idiot man, come on - stay with us' said Greg, trying to diffuse the situation. As irritable as he could be on a daily basis, he disliked conflict and didn’t want Drew to go, especially not like this.
Drew briefly caught Colin's eye as he was gathering Ryan's bag. Although he knew Colin bore him no ill will, and that had he stayed they would have got over it, Drew was rattled and his decision was made.
'No, I've got to do this Greg' he said firmly and began walking purposefully towards the departure gate.
'DREW!' Greg called after him, but Drew never looked back.
'Leave him Greg, he's made up his mind' Colin replied softly, touching his arm. 'He'll be ok' he answered Greg's eyes, reading his mind. 'Come on, let's get out of here. We need to figure out somewhere to stay tonight and you need to call Jen and let her know what's happened.'
'Pat' Ryan said, as if a light had been switched on in his mind for the first time all evening. 'She'll be pissed..' he added with resignation.
'It's all right' Colin replied. 'I'll have to call Deb, so she can explain everything if you don't feel like talking. I'll let her know what happened.'
'You don't understand though, she'll be pissed she's had to leave Bellingham for nothing' Ryan tried to explain awkwardly.
'Ryan. Listen to me - there is a terrorism threat on. Chances are they will have already heard that our flight has been cancelled and won't be expecting us anyway. She'll be only too glad to hear from you. Trust me, this is not something any of our wives is going to be unreasonable about.' Colin could be very convincing, but Ryan knew it wouldn’t be that simple.
-o-
Outside the airport terminal dusk was settling in a noiseless sky. There was something strangely eerie about a quiet airport. Thinking back, Colin knew it was strange that the place hadn't been heaving with last minute travellers, but he had never imagined this to be the reason why. He still held Ryan's hand, only, he noticed as he glanced down and caught sight of them intertwined. It had become natural to have him constantly at his side; there would be a draught down his side where Ryan's tall form should be if they let go. Not wanting to leave him alone, Colin had let Greg go and telephone Jen and the others to let them know that they wouldn't be arriving.
'You ok?' he asked as Ryan appeared to be staring at nothing in particular.
Ryan turned to face him and smiled as he too caught sight of their inter-linked hands. 'You can let go now, if you want to' he said in a small voice.
Colin felt his stomach lurch as he held Ryan's ocean-esque gaze.
'Oh, sorry' Colin mumbled. 'I guess I'm kinda shook up too and forgot'. He began to slip his hand from Ryan's only to feel the grip tighten.
'I was hoping you'd say that' Ryan replied, securing Colin's hand in such a way as to leave no doubt as to what he wanted.
As Ryan's gaze intensified Colin didn’t know what to say. What's happening here? Is it just me?
'Col…I' Ryan began as his eyes never left the milky chocolate pools that were looking up at him. His head was swimming but he didn’t get a chance to finish his thought.
'Ok, I've called Jen and explained the deal and I also called round a few hotels, but look guys the only place I could get us into was the Holiday Inn downtown West. Everywhere else is full and at that they only have 2 rooms.' Greg stopped, becoming aware that Ryan and Colin didn’t appear to be paying any attention to him.
'Helloooo? Anybody listening here?' Greg got the distinct impression that he had interrupted something.
Colin turned to find Greg looking at him quizzically, eyebrow raised. 'Sorry Greg, um, that sounds fine'. He hadn't really heard what Greg had said but figured that would be the safest reply.
'Yeah, sounds fine to me' Ryan responded similarly.
'Ok..' Greg continued sceptically. 'Well, look I may as well tell you that Pat didn’t sound too happy when I heard Jen tell her we wouldn't be arriving. She wanted to speak to you but I said you weren't here. I palmed her off that you were sorting out the hotel, but she wasn't happy man. Especially when she heard that Drew's flying to Denver. Oh and Col, Deb wants you to call her.'
Ryan groaned - he knew Pat would blow a gasket. The only thing stopping her going totally off the deep end was the fact she was with Jen and Deb.
'Oh Greg why did you tell her about Drew?' Colin sighed.
'Because he might turn up at any God given hour during the night, that's why' he replied irritated. 'Anyway, what does it matter?'
'It doesn’t. I'm sorry Greg, I'm just tired' Colin replied, rubbing his eyes 'Look I'd better call Deb. Do you want to call Pat, Ryan?'
'Not really' he replied gloomily, 'but I suppose I should'.
'You don't have to', Colin looked at him, and to be perfectly honest I think we should take the cowardly way out and let Deb deal with it. You know she'll be able to talk her round'.
Ryan smiled. He knew he would have to face the music sometime, but if he could put it off that little bit longer then why not? 'Ok, thanks'.
'I'll be right back then' Colin said, glancing at their hands to let Ryan know he'd have to let go. Slowly he withdrew his hand, but held onto Ryan's fingertips for the briefest of moments and smiled before turning to Greg, his tone of voice changing. 'Have you organised a taxi or anything, or should I do that?'
'Coming in 5' Greg replied, furrowing his brow and raising a slight smirk.
'Oh good, less time for condemnation then' Colin smiled before walking off towards the phone.
Dialling Greg's number, Colin's mind wasn't really thinking about anything but what had just happened with Ryan. What had happened? Something? Nothing?
'Hello? Hello, is anyone there?'
'Oh, Jen, hi, it's Colin. Sorry, it's a bad line here.' He recovered quickly. 'Greg said Deb asked me to call. Is she there?'
'Sure Colin, one sec' Jen replied.
'Honey, are you ok? I'm so glad to hear from you. What happened with Drew? Jen said he's flying to Denver to try and get here'.
Colin didn't want to spend the time explaining everything; his mind was too focused on other things. 'I'm fine sweetheart' he managed. 'Look I'm sorry we won't get there. Greg's got us into a hotel for the night and we'll decide what to do tomorrow. You'll kiss Luke for me, won't you?'
Deb could hear that Colin was behaving odd - not surprising under the circumstances she guessed. 'Of course I will, but you know that we were due to all fly back tomorrow together. Should we go on without you? You won't make it here on time.'
Colin groaned. He had forgotten about their return travel arrangements. They were all supposed to fly home at noon. 'Yeah you go on without me. Ryan won't be flying anywhere, and to be honest I'm not keen on the idea myself after today. I can't say what we'll do yet. I'll give you a call at home tomorrow though, ok?'
'Ok honey, sure. Look, speaking of Ryan, Pat's throwing daggers at me through the living room doors. Ryan really needs to call her.' Deb smiled and waved at a stony faced Pat from the kitchen.
'He can't Deb, he's not in a good way. It took all the energy I had to actually get him into the airport, and when we found out about the situation and he thought he would have to fly to Denver first he had a chronic panic attack and fitted on the floor.'
'Oh my God.' She replied, trying to keep her voice down. 'That's awful, poor Ryan, will he be all right?'
Colin looked over his shoulder at the sound of a car approaching and saw their cab arrive. He motioned to Greg that he'd be right there.
'Yeah, he'll be fine, but look he can't call her now. Our cab's just arrived and I've got to go. Can you explain what happened to her and make her see sense? I really have to go..'
'Sure, I'll talk to her. I'm really glad you're ok sweetheart. Call me tomorrow. I love you' she ended.
The last three words struck up a chord of guilt in Colin's heart. But I have nothing to be guilty for Colin reminded himself. Deep in his subconscious, however, he heard the faint echo of yet. 'I will I promise. Have a good time tonight. Happy New Year honey' and he hung up the phone.
Deb replaced the receiver. It was the first time in all their years of marriage that he hadn't said I love you back ending a phone call. She remonstrated with herself for being so selfish. He'd had plenty of other things diverting his mind.
Greg got into the front seat of the cab leaving Colin to slip in the back with Ryan.
'We all set?' Greg asked, turning to his two friends in the back seat as Colin pulled the door shut.
Ryan snaked his hand across the seat and found Colin's. At the touch Colin's stomach flipped once again. He flicked his eyes to Ryan, who gave him a smile. Colin embraced Ryan's fingertips with his own.
'As I'll ever be' he responded, knowing that he was answering much more than Greg's question.
The cab ride was quiet save for Greg making small talk with the driver who was bitching about how by the end of the night his car would be in need of a new upholstery job due to revellers who couldn’t handle their alcohol. Colin and Ryan didn’t say much, but frequently they would glance across and find the other smiling. Endless thoughts poured through Colin's mind.
What are we doing? I'm sitting in a cab holding hands with my oldest friend like it's our first date. *Is* it our first date? Oh get a grip and let *go* Colin we're not in the airport now…but *he* didn’t want me to let go.
As if sensing Colin's tumultuous thoughts, when he caught his eye again, Ryan mouthed 'Ok?'
Colin's heart felt like it was going to burst through his chest. He couldn’t be sure what Ryan was asking or wanting, but regardless, he knew that he wanted to agree without hesitation, and he smiled and nodded.
-o-
When the cab pulled up outside the Holiday Inn Greg settled the fare and said he would go in and check on their reservation if Colin and Ryan would bring the bags. They had to unlink their hands in order to get out of the cab and collect the bags from the trunk.
'Perhaps we shouldn't..' Ryan looked at their hands and motioned to the hotel that was buzzing with people.
Colin knew what he was trying to say. Perhaps they shouldn’t walk in there hand in hand, just in case. So he still wants to hold my hand.. Colin allowed the thought to cross his mind, and seeing Ryan's face, felt secure that he was right. They would have to talk about things later.
Although it had only gone 8pm, people were already in the party mood; spilling out of the function rooms and into the hotel lobby as Ryan and Colin approached the reception desk. Someone had already taken up residence in the flower bed in the middle of the foyer as Colin observed the mayhem and chaos. The noise was deafening and for the first time that evening he realised how exhausted he was and how much he needed a drink.
Ryan looked at the scene surrounding him; at the various drunken groups, and when his eyes rested on Colin, realised how much he wanted to be alone with him. Ever since they had started the taping that morning (which now seemed like a lifetime away) he had been there for him. He's always there for me, Ryan reminded himself, but today had been different. Colin had done more than anyone could have expected of a friend. He had certainly done more than Pat would have. Ryan knew without doubt that had it been her with him instead of Colin, he would have been sat on a flight to Denver with Drew. He shuddered at the thought. When Colin had taken his hand unquestioningly, he knew that they had crossed into a new dimension in their relationship. It had just felt so right, like a perfect fit. Sure he had held hands with Colin lots of times before, but this was different…it was Real. From the moment Colin had taken his hand Ryan knew he didn’t want to let go. Standing outside the airport hadn't made him want to let go either, even though the ordeal was over. All he could think about was his head in Colin's lap, those soothing hands on his skin. Colin's touch and everything that came with it was something he now found himself craving, something he had been missing; something he had never felt toward anyone with the intensity that he felt now.
Colin caught sight of Greg as he made his way through the crowd of people towards them from the desk. He looked decidedly pissed off.
‘Jeeze when we get out of this nightmare I am gonna write Holiday Inn one hell of a letter. "Pleasing people the world over" my ass’ he grumbled.
‘Well I see that they haven’t managed to put the smile back on your face’ Ryan quipped, recalling another of Holiday Inn’s slogans, which only added to Greg’s foul mood.
‘You’re damn straight they haven’t’
‘Um, Greg?’ Colin stepped in, keen to get away from the noise that was threatening to give him a migraine. ‘What’s the problem, have we got rooms or not?’
Greg groaned and explained that the only room that was available was a ‘family suite’.
‘Well that sounds ok’ Colin couldn’t see the problem.
‘Oh you’ll see the problem’ Greg grunted and trudged in the direction of the elevator.
-o-
To say that room 405 contravened the Trades Description Act would be an understatement. The room was clearly not in regular use, except during busy times when the hotel knew they could exploit people. A double bed occupied the most space, and anyone lying on it would comfortably be able to stretch with their arms and touch both walls. In the corner was a strange pod like construction that would not have looked out of place in an episode of Star Trek.
Ryan placed his bag on the chair beside the door and it buckled instantly. ‘Oops, one less place to sleep now! Hey, what’s this?’ He opened the pod and found it to contain, surprisingly, a shower and a toilet.
‘Well if we can’t wash in it we can always hope it doubles up as a teleporter to get us into the Hilton’.
‘The only family this ‘suite’ is suitable for is the seven dwarves’ Greg whined.
Colin closed the door and had to admit Greg had a point, but there was nothing they could do and it was better than sleeping on the street.
‘I don’t know about seven and we sure as hell aren’t any of us dwarves’ he said, smiling at Ryan, ‘but you’re doing a good impression of Grumpy. What’s behind that door?’ Colin gestured to the door behind Greg.
‘Oh’ Greg’s sarcastic voice carried from behind the door. ‘This appears to be the guest annex, complete with single bed fit for aforementioned dwarves’.
He stomped out and forced Colin to press against the wall in an attempt to get past.
‘That’s it. I need a drink. I’ll see you guys in the bar, or, if I’m lucky – on the floor of the bar.’ Greg slammed the door, rattling the entire room in the process and leaving Colin and Ryan alone.
Colin could feel Ryan’s eyes boring into him but he couldn’t look; he didn’t know what would happen if he did.
‘So…’ Ryan broke the awkward silence.
Colin could hear his heart beating in his ears. Keep it together for God’s sake!
‘So’ he coughed.
‘Col..about earlier, well today’ Ryan tried to steer the conversation, but Colin suddenly realised he couldn’t talk about it.
‘Greg wasn’t wrong about this annex’ he said, striding into the adjoining room and hoping he wasn’t sounding as jumpy as he felt. ‘This bed is tiny’. Gradually, Colin became aware that Ryan was no longer by the shower pod, but was standing in the door frame behind him.
Ryan placed his hands on either side of the door frame and craned his neck over Colin’s shoulder. As he did so Colin felt a shiver pass through his spine as wisps of Ryan’s hair caressed the sensitive skin on the side of his neck. Ryan’s faint cologne mixed with the musk of his own skin was intoxicating as Colin closed his eyes and allowed himself to breathe it in.
‘Hmm’ Ryan ruminated with a whisper, his breath cascading across Colin’s cheek. ‘We can’t sleep in here’.
Colin froze, momentarily forgetting to breathe. He could feel Ryan pressing into his back. Did he just say *we*? Turning to find his exit trapped by Ryan’s tall form, he knew that he had said ‘we’. Those green eyes were hypnotising him. Blinking an image of Deb flashed across his mind causing the pit of his stomach to churn. I can’t be here.
Colin ducked under Ryan’s arm and back into the main room feeling more flustered than a teenager on a first date. ‘I think I’ll go check on Greg and join him for a drink. I think we need one after the day we’ve had’.
Ryan slumped and dropped his eyes to the floor. Nice job goof. Way to come on strong. ‘Col…’
‘Why don’t you try and use that shower pod thing or grab some sleep. You had a pretty tough time today and it’s bound to hit you at some point. I’ll see you in the bar.’ Colin fumbled his way out of the room, leaving Ryan alone.
Ryan felt angry for approaching things the way he did. What was I *thinking*? ‘Shit, shit, SHIT’ he slammed his fist against the wall.
Outside in the corridor, Colin steadied himself against the wall and tried to regulate his breathing. He realised that everything that had happened earlier was real. He hadn’t imagined or exaggerated their touches, or the looks that had almost paralysed him. Earlier they could have been put down to the moment and the situation they found themselves in; earlier he had found himself only daring to hope… but now…this is really happening. He thumped his head against the wall in the hope his muddled mind would clear. Never in all these years had he allowed himself to believe that Ryan would ever want something more between them. He had put all of those thoughts to the back of his mind a long time ago, when he’d got married… And it’s unlikely to happen now either he reminded himself. He knew he had probably close to ruined his relationship with Ryan by running out like that, but looking down to the arousal that had begun tenting his trousers he was glad that at least he had spared himself the embarrassment of having Ryan see that. God I need a drink and he walked swiftly to the elevator trying to quell his emotions by thinking about anything but Ryan.
-o-
By the time Colin arrived Greg had sunk 3 whiskeys and was feeling in an altogether much more equable mood. Colin slipped into the booth seating himself opposite Greg and motioned for the bar tender.
‘You want another?’ he pointed to Greg’s glass.
Greg drained the remains. ‘Hell yeah’.
Colin smiled and placed their order before allowing his body to be engulfed by the squishy leather of the seat. It felt good; relaxing. ‘This place is pretty quiet’ he observed as they received their drinks, noticing that there were only a handful of other people in the bar.
‘All in the conference rooms for the parties I guess’ Greg said as he sipped the amber liquid that caused a pleasingly warm sensation in his throat.
They sipped their drinks in silence as the events of the day began to catch up with Colin and it dawned on him just how tired he was. The whiskey wasn’t helping him in the battle against sleep but it was clouding his senses sufficiently to help him forget; especially that image of Deb..
Greg had settled into his favourite pastime – people watching, and right now his subject was Colin. As he watched the Canadian opposite him absent-mindedly swirl his drink and glance at the door regularly, Greg was able to slot the pieces of today’s puzzle together.
‘You look tired, bud’ he said.
Colin looked up to find Greg relaxed, arms crossed awaiting a response. ‘Mm? Yeah I guess I am, aren’t you?’
Greg ignored Colin’s attempt to engage him in conversation in order to divert the focus from him.
‘Colin…what you did for Ryan earlier.. Greg set off
Colin knew where this was going and he cut in before Greg could finish.
‘Is what I would have done for anyone given the circumstances’ he replied, hoping that Greg would drop it.
‘Are you sure about that?’
Colin looked at him blankly.
‘I saw you back there’ Greg continued. ‘There was more between you…there always has been, hasn’t there?’
Colin held Greg’s gaze before sinking the remains of his drink and swallowing hard.
‘Col, you can talk to me you know’ Greg said gently. He knew something was bothering Colin and he was pretty sure he’d read the situation correctly.
Colin averted his eyes and looked at his watch. 10.20pm. It had been 9.30 when he’d left Ryan. ‘I’m going to check on Ryan, see if he’s ok.
Greg’s eyes remained fixed on him and as Colin made to get up he caught sight of Ryan coming through the door. Their eyes locked as Colin noticed that Ryan had changed into dark jeans and a black dress shirt. Colin’s breath hitched as he took in the sight of Ryan’s long legs walking towards them. He cut nothing short of a devastating picture as his jeans clung to all the right places and accentuated his physique whilst the black shirt brought out his winter tan.
Noticing Colin’s stare, Greg turned round and allowed himself a smirk- a thousand points to Mr. P he said to himself as he saw Ryan stride across the room and wait expectantly for Colin to slide up and allow him to sit.
As he slid into the booth Ryan felt his leg brush Colin’s. He smiled at him in the hope that he hadn’t ruined things earlier. Colin blushed and smiled briefly, not wanting to attract Greg’s attention.
‘You’re looking better dude’ Greg said to Ryan.
‘Yeah, I had a shower – though I warn you, if you have the slightest claustrophobic tendency I’d think twice. I thought I was gonna be wedged in there. Anyway – are we drinking or what?’ he asked with a glint in his eye.
-o-
An hour and several whiskeys later Ryan and Colin found themselves laughing hopelessly at Greg. Whilst they were feeling pleasantly warm inside due to the effects of alcohol, Greg, true to form, had gone crazy and progressed onto shots of tequila. Ryan noticed that Colin had relaxed in his company once again and found him easing closer to him when he had rested his arm on the back of the seat behind him. Colin listened to Greg regale them of various exploits, but it was all just background noise. Leaning his head back and closing his eyes he felt warmth inside that he knew wasn’t just as a result of alcohol. He felt Ryan’s hand involuntarily rub the back of his neck; as he flicked his eyes across, noticed that Ryan was still focused on Greg, listening to some story about a night he’d spent in a strip club in Vegas with Brad.
Ryan knew Colin was watching him. He had felt Colin’s head rest against his hand and couldn’t stop himself from touching him. He only hoped that Colin didn’t mind. Diverting his attention from Greg to look round, he met acceptance in those eyes that reminded him of a river of flowing chocolate.
‘Ohhh MAN, not again’ Greg slurred loudly, capturing Ryan and Colin’s attention.
Ryan felt Colin tense and straighten in the seat beside him.
‘What Greg’ he asked.
‘HA! "What Greg" indeed. As if you need to ask’ Greg leaned forward and wagged a finger, drunkenly reprimanding Ryan.
Colin suppressed a laugh. ‘Yeah, what Greg?’ he asked with his best angelic look.
Greg steadied himself and gave them a hard stare; he seemed to be collecting his thoughts. He cleared his throat.
‘Colin and Ryan, sitting in a cab, H-O-L-D-I-N’ he sang, but stopped and furrowed his brow.
Both the sight and sound of a drunken Greg singing had pushed Colin into uncontrollable giggles. Ryan chuckled lowly beside him, grateful for the fact that the bar was deserted.
‘You can’t finish that song, Greg’ Ryan laughed, his face crinkled with laughter as he brought his hand to Colin’s thigh. ‘Guess we’ve been rumbled’ he whispered. Colin’s heart skipped a beat for the hundredth time that day. This would have to stop or else he’d need to have a pace maker fitted.
‘HANDS!’ Greg yelled triumphantly. ‘H-O-L-D-I-N HANDS, HA!’
Ryan wiped a tear from the corner of his eye as he tried to recover. Greg had always been a master of Hoedowns and singing games, but given his current level of inebriation he had been particularly impressive.
‘You win Greg. I bow down to that’ Ryan sighed.
‘Seriously though guys’, Greg paused to hiccough, ‘what is the deal here, come on, don’t keep me in the dark.’
Colin looked at Ryan. What is the deal? Good question.
‘I mean, there’s definitely *something* here’ Greg paused and Colin noticed a glint in his eye that could only mean mischief. ‘I dare you to…’
‘Dare us to do what, Greg?’ Colin asked.
Greg fixed them with his blurred vision. ‘I dare you to kiss Ryan’ Greg said, pleased as punch with his plan.
Colin shook his head and smiled. Well I walked into that one. ‘Oh come on Greg, you don’t want to see’
Ryan interrupted him. ‘What, we’ve known each other over 20 years and you can’t kiss me?’ His voice was soft as Colin turned, seeking confirmation of what he thought he’d just heard. Ryan’s look told him all he wanted to know.
From that moment Greg and the rest of civilisation ceased to exist for Colin. There was no one else in the world at that moment but him and Ryan. Shifting his weight he saw Ryan facing him with green eyes whose oceans were inviting Colin to dive in, but Colin was already swimming; his decision had been made.
‘Oh, who am I kidding?’ he said gently with a smile, bringing his hands to either side of Ryan’s face and meeting his lips with his own in a firm but gentle kiss. To his immense satisfaction, he felt Ryan eagerly return the kiss and slip his hands around his waist, drawing him closer.
Ryan had failed to suppress a groan when he felt Colin’s tongue tentatively brush against his lower lip. Instinctively he opened his mouth to Colin’s touch and their tongues met in a long and lingering exploration of each other. Colin felt his own jeans begin to tighten and as Ryan brought his hand lower he moaned into his mouth, causing Ryan’s own arousal to deepen. Colin’s hand rubbed along Ryan’s thigh and he timidly brought his fingers up to find a bulge in Ryan’s crotch akin to his own when a loud thud stopped them in their tracks.
Pulling apart in shock, Ryan and Colin looked at each other with a mixture of fear and confusion. Ryan darted his eyes around the room. There was no one there. ‘Wait a minute, where’s Greg?’
Colin looked under the table and laughed. ‘Look’ he pointed.
Greg had clearly fallen asleep and had fallen off the seat and onto the floor. ‘It hasn’t even woke him’ he remarked, as a steady snore emanated from the space below their feet.
‘Do you think he saw?’ Colin asked
‘Does it matter?’ Ryan replied
‘Are we playing questions only?’ Colin laughed. ‘Sorry, it’s the whiskey, I couldn’t help it’.
Ryan’s face crinkled. ‘You ass Col’.
Colin saw Ryan’s features turn suddenly serious. ‘Was it all the whiskey?’ he asked, hesitantly meeting Colin’s eyes.
Colin clasped Ryan’s hand; a gesture now forever synonymous with providing comfort to his insecurities. ‘No Ry’ he said with resolve. ‘That is something I’ve wanted all day. For longer if I’m truly honest’ he added, almost inaudibly.
It was the first time Colin truly had been honest about his feelings for Ryan ever since they met; Ryan could sense Colin’s nervousness.
‘What…about you? Colin felt himself blushing.
‘I think..’ Ryan bit his lip and Colin could see he was trying to formulate his thoughts. He wanted to get this right.
Ryan took a deep breath and opened his eyes to see Colin’s gentle features. ‘I know that this isn’t anything to do with alcohol.’ He reached across and took Colin’s soft hands in his own.
Colin felt a lump rising in his throat but couldn’t speak; didn’t want to speak. He needed Ryan to say more.
‘What you did for me today, Col, I can never begin to thank you enough. You were totally selfless – well, you always are, but’ Colin noticed Ryan was struggling and felt his hands shaking slightly.
‘Go on, Ry, please’ he willed gently, giving Ryan’s hands a squeeze.
Ryan smiled and felt a warm glow radiate in his body.
‘What I’m trying to say, badly’ he said with a smile, ‘is that I’ve always known I had a connection with you that was stronger than any relationship I’d ever had, but I guess that it took something like this to make me realise just how far that connection went. Well, today has been the first time I dared to think it might run both ways. When you took my hand, I just knew…the way we fitted, it was like I could feel what you were feeling. Am I making sense? He asked Colin, who was looking at him with a glazed expression.
What Ryan said had resonated with everything that Colin had felt not only that day, but for years. But he still couldn’t field the pangs of guilt for where his thoughts had been taking him, and what they were taking him away from.
‘Col?’ he asked, worried that Colin hadn’t answered him.
Colin sighed before focusing on Ryan.
‘The way we fitted’. That was it. Everything that had been muddled in his mind was illuminated. Colin knew he hadn’t imagined it; he knew that the touch of their hands had brought to the surface a much deeper bond; feelings that Ryan was telling him he shared.
‘It makes perfect sense’ Colin whispered. ‘I told Greg earlier that I would have done the same for anyone – and I guess I would have, but it wouldn’t have been for the same reasons’ he smiled in a way that melted every essence of Ryan’s being; he felt touched – and dare he think it- loved in a way that he hadn’t felt in so long.
‘I couldn’t stand seeing you so distressed; all I wanted to do was to hold you and tell you everything would be ok’ he continued.
‘And you did’ Ryan blushed.
Colin couldn’t believe that he was sitting in the middle of a deserted bar on New Year’s eve talking with Ryan about their feelings for each other whilst Greg was passed out below them. He couldn’t stop himself from chuckling.
‘What’s funny?’ Ryan asked, insecurity rising causing him to tense.
Colin could feel the apprehension as it travelled from Ryan’s body into his own.
‘Well the whole situation smacks of something that should be written about – here we are, acting like goofy teenagers around each other whilst our hippy friend is flat out on the floor’. It’s not how I envisaged ending the year, I must admit’ he mused.
‘Oh, I’m sorry Col’ Ryan hastily withdrew his hands and felt trapped; his heart was pounding.
‘No Ry, no’ Colin stopped him from leaving. ‘That’s not what I meant.. it’s just…well, it’s difficult’ he tried to explain.
‘Deb’ Ryan had instantly read Colin’s mind and saw turmoil in his eyes.
‘I couldn’t hurt her for the world Ry, none of this is her fault. I’ve always had these feelings but like you say; it’s taken what happened today to show me that it wasn’t just me. I just don’t know where this leaves us’ he added wistfully.
Ryan could feel his heart beginning to shatter. I can’t take anymore. ‘I’m sorry’ he choked, and before Colin realised, had made a dash for the door.
-o-
Running frantically out of the door, Colin could see no trace of Ryan. Where did he go? He fretted as his eyes scanned the corridors. Running into the foyer he barely glimpsed Ryan slumped on the floor cradling his head in his hands. He eased down beside him.
‘Why did you run off?’
‘Because of what you said. It was loud and clear’ Ryan’s voice was small and dejected, and he couldn’t bear to meet Colin’s eye; he knew he’d crumble if he did. ‘You said you didn’t know where this left us. I’m sorry, I know I’ve ruined our friendship and I just can’t deal with that’.
‘Ryan’ Colin said soothingly. ‘Look at me’. He placed his hand on Ryan’s back and coaxed him to meet his eyes. Ryan reluctantly turned to face him.
‘When I said that I was referring to me and Deb. To my marriage.’ Colin swallowed at the sense of finality that came with what he had just said, but he knew it was right.
Ryan slowly digested Colin’s words, letting what they meant travel through his senses. ‘So you mean that you..like me?’ He hated that whatever way he articulated this made him sound like a hormonal teenager. ‘You want…I mean – you and me?’
Colin beamed and stroked Ryan’s cheek. He was adorably incoherent whilst making perfect sense.
‘Yes I want that, and yes I like you. I know I may call you a stick with a nose, but I like you so much more’. They both laughed. Ryan took Colin’s hand from his cheek and placed it in both of his, fixated by the long slender fingers.
‘I want to be with you Col’ Ryan gulped.
Colin felt dizzy; like everything in his body was on an enormous high.
‘I want that too’ he replied.
Ryan shyly leaned in to Colin and kissed him delicately on the mouth as if to affirm his desire. Pulling away he could see Colin flush; a mixture of excitement and trepidation.
‘What about Greg?’ Colin remembered he had run out, leaving him on the floor.
‘I think he’ll be fine. You heard how he said if he was lucky he’d end up on the floor’ Ryan laughed.
He got up and offered his hand to Colin and pulled him up to face him. When Ryan looked at him, Colin felt giddy. Ryan stroked his arms with his fingertips.
‘Let’s go’ he whispered, leading Colin to the elevator.
-o-
The elevator juddered to a halt on the fourth floor, and as the doors opened Ryan extended his hand to Colin and they walked silently along the corridor. Both men felt a mixture of nerves and exhilaration. From the moment Ryan had said he wanted to be with him, Colin’s pulse had quickened and had showed no signs of slowing. Every time he stole a glance at him as they walked amidst the tranquillity of the deserted floor he felt the blood surge to his head (and other places he noticed bashfully).
Now I know why I’m always the woman he thought, feeling his cheeks redden as they found themselves at the door.
Ryan looked at the door and knew what going inside meant. A new chapter in their lives; a new beginning. It meant no going back. Looking at Colin he realised he couldn’t get in there quick enough.
‘Do you have the key?’ he asked, unable to hide the grin that was spreading across his face.
‘Oh, um yeah I think so’ Colin fumbled, locating the card.
‘Let me’ Ryan said, noticing where Colin’s hand was headed and snaking his hand around and into Colin’s back pocket; squeezing his ass gently and feeling Colin tense slightly under his touch.
Colin sighed as the heat of Ryan’s warm breath ghosted past his ear and felt his cock twitch.
‘Are you ok?’ Ryan asked, withdrawing his hand and the key card.
Colin coughed. ‘Yeah, but I won’t be for much longer if you don’t open the door!’
Ryan’s eyes dropped to Colin’s jeans and observed the impressive bulge that had formed and blushed, turning to open the door. Seeing the room now as Colin closed the door behind them, it seemed much more attractive than it had earlier. Occupying most of the floor space, Colin and Ryan found their eyes drawn to the large bed.
‘I feel like I don’t know what to do’ Colin nervously smiled at Ryan after observing the looming bed.
‘Me too…but I know what I’d like to do.’ Ryan drew Colin close, slipping his hands around his hips. Leaning down, Ryan brushed his nose against Colin’s before nuzzling his neck, placing feather-light kisses along his neck and collarbone.
Feeling Ryan’s hot kisses on his neck was the catalyst for Colin’s instinct; the touch inflamed his desire and his body took control. He knew exactly what to do and ran his hands along Ryan’s back, lifting his shirt out of his jeans so he could feel the sensation of Ryan’s skin under his own. The feeling of Ryan’s taut muscles beneath his skin was like nothing Colin had felt before and his hands took on an inquisitive journey around his torso; he wanted to familiarise himself with every piece of Ryan.
Ryan felt Colin’s hands travel from his back to his stomach and rest at the band of his jeans, causing his breath to catch and his arousal to heighten; it felt like his cock would split open the denim of his jeans in a desperate attempt to escape.
Colin saw in Ryan’s eyes that he was waiting in anticipation for him to take the next step. Keeping his eyes locked with Ryan’s, Colin undid the fly on Ryan’s jeans, and with each button released bit by bit of his straining erection until it was free of the restrictive fabric. Ryan’s breath quickened as Colin maintained his gaze and falteringly eased his hands into Ryan’s boxer shorts to take hold of his cock.
‘Mmmm, Oh…Col’ Ryan groaned at Colin’s first explorative touch of him, that was becoming rapidly assured as he felt Colin’s grip tighten and relax simultaneously around him as it travelled the length of his shaft.
Hearing Ryan call his name in pleasure, Colin had never realised he could feel such an intense arousal, and spurred on by Ryan’s gasps, freed him of his underwear, letting his hands wander to Ryan’s firm ass.
Unexpectedly Ryan felt Colin’s lips on his own; the sensation was like a drug as Colin’s hands began making light work of the buttons on his shirt. Colin pushed Ryan’s shirt to the floor and traced kisses across his firm chest, pausing to enclose his nipple in his mouth. Ryan felt paralysed; Colin’s touch sent a shiver through his entire body, rendering him unable to do anything but lose himself in the sensations Colin’s tongue was creating. Colin’s hands rested on his hips as he felt his tongue reach the trail of soft hair that Ryan knew would take them to the point of no return if he didn’t stop.
‘Oh God, Col…don’t, it’ll be too late…OH’ Ryan moaned loudly as Colin’s fingers had found their way to cautiously probe his opening.
‘Ry? What’s wrong?’ Colin was worried he’d gotten carried away and gone too far.
Ryan swallowed and caressed Colin’s chest through his sweater. ‘Nothing’s wrong…I just didn’t want it to end too soon’. He kissed Colin and started opening his belt.
‘…..Besides’, he whispered intermittently between kisses on Colin’s neck that were driving him into delirium, ‘I don’t think it’s fair that I’m standing here naked whilst you still have all your clothes on…’
Colin chuckled. ‘That’s what you call good work.’
Ryan tugged at Colin’s pants teasingly. ‘I…want to see you. Need to feel you’.
Colin’s heart melted at Ryan asking for what he had agreed to give a long time ago; and when words failed him, he took Ryan’s hand and placed it in his underwear; finding his cock jerk as Ryan’s hand massaged it.
Ryan undressed Colin, savouring the sight of his skin as it was unveiled to him like unwrapping a present at Christmas. Running his fingers through Colin’s silky chest hair he felt like a kid with the best gift in the world.
To an outsider it may have appeared a seedy scene, but Colin and Ryan stood naked before each other, exploring and discovering the side of their feelings that each thought could never be.
‘You’re so…beautiful, Col…so big’ Ryan mused as he slowly pumped Colin’s large cock in his hand. ‘And I know you’re blushing’.
Colin laughed. He was blushing but he couldn’t help it. He had never considered himself to be ‘beautiful’. He was many things, but that was never one he thought of, especially compared with Ryan, who, standing before him, looked as if he had been sculpted straight out of marble by a Renaissance artist. He was breathtaking.
Colin’s cock was weeping and combined with Ryan’s preoccupation for twirling his chest hair around his fingers, Colin could feel his erection bubbling. Suddenly he felt Ryan take his cock fully in his mouth, sucking hard before running his tongue along the underside of the shaft as his hand moved from his chest to gently squeeze his balls. It was like no other sensation he had ever felt.
‘RYAN’ he gasped at the unexpected hot wetness surrounding his throbbing cock. Involuntarily his hands mussed Ryan’s tousled hair, willing him to go on as his hips began to spasm of their own free will at Ryan’s expertise.
Ryan savoured every taste of Colin’s cock as it twitched in his mouth. As he took him deeper he swallowed, causing Colin to cry out and pull him away.
‘God, Ry, please…that’s just…feels so good’.
He was so dizzy from the feelings Ryan was stirring that he couldn’t seem to formulate any cohesive sentence. Pulling Ryan up, Colin led him to the bed. Laying facing each other, Colin could feel Ryan’s erection pressing against his body as he stroked his face. Ryan kissed him hungrily, grinding his body closer into Colin’s and entwining their legs in the hope that he could become part of him.
Their kisses and touches became more frenzied, both men realising that soon their passion would erupt.
‘Col, I want you…I need you to make me cum…please’.
Colin’s mouth had been driving Ryan to the edge and back over and over; coupled with the feeling of his tongue probing his opening Ryan couldn’t last much longer. Colin dragged himself along Ryan’s body, creating a friction that Ryan could barely stand.
‘Oh God Colin please don’t stop..’ Ryan’s eyes were closed in fervent oblivion.
‘Ryan?’ Colin’s voice softly opened Ryan’s eyes to find him smiling as he took hold of his hand.
‘When you cum I want it to be inside me’ he said resolutely.
-o-
‘I wonder what the guys are doing’ Deb said in a desperate attempt to make conversation in what had become an unbearable atmosphere.
‘Well I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet that Greg is passed out by now’ Jen laughed. ‘What do you think, Pat?’
Pat had spent most of the evening in an abominable mood, acquainting herself only with a wine bottle. She gave no response. Jen shot a quizzical look in Deb’s direction and shrugged.
‘Pat, are you all right?’ Deb asked. She knew that Pat could be difficult, but she also knew that being married to Ryan could hardly be a picnic. He was stubborn and Deb knew herself the strain a relationship could be put under when one partner was away most of the time.
‘I can quite safely say that I don’t give a shit’ she said with a dead pan tone as she drained her glass. ‘Ryan will always do what Ryan wants and that’s the end of it. Nobody else comes into the equation.’
‘Come on Pat’ Deb tried to relieve the tense atmosphere. ‘You know how he is about flying, and I don’t think any of them relished the thought of it with the terrorism scare. Colin said it really shook him up’.
Pat scoffed. ‘Colin babies him and always has done. If he hadn’t been there Drew would have got him onto the plane and he’d be on his way here by now’.
Deb felt incensed; she had had enough of Pat’s attitude. ‘You are unbelievably selfish. How can you sit there and make light of a genuine fear? And how dare you blame Colin for this. You’ve sat here all night and made things miserable for everyone – why do you think the kids have been upstairs all night?’
‘OH MY GOD’ Jen screamed.
Deb and Pat turned their attention to the television Jen had switched on. All three women gazed in shock silence at the images being projected by the screen.
‘I need to get in touch with Greg’ Jen ran out of the room.
-o-
Ryan’s eyes widened as he heard only the sound of their breaths. As he looked at Colin he realised he was offering to give himself to him in the most complete and intimate way imaginable.
‘Are you sure? I mean, won’t it hurt…? We haven’t got anything’.
‘I’ve always wanted you to be a part of me, Ry’ Colin said, nuzzling Ryan’s chest. ‘There’s some Vaseline in my bag…please?’ he whispered.
Ryan kissed Colin deeply before detaching himself from his embrace and finding the pot of Vaseline. Colin watched in wonder as Ryan smeared a thin coating along his shaft, before shifting to turn onto his stomach. Ryan stopped him.
‘No Col’ he said, pinning his shoulders lightly to the bed as he straddled him. ‘I want our first time together to be exactly that – together. I want to be able to see you…to hold you’ he said as his hands wandered over his body, ‘to kiss you’ as he sucked on Colin’s nipple. ‘I want to make love to you…’
‘Oh Ry’ Colin gasped, ‘I want that so much’.
Ryan took some of the Vaseline and rubbed it between his fingertips before gently probing Colin’s opening. ‘If I hurt you, tell me and I’ll stop’ he said as he entered Colin with his finger, exploring and stretching gently.
‘Urrghh, GOD’ Colin growled.
Ryan stopped, ‘did I hurt you, are you ok?’
‘I’m fine, DON’T stop Ry, oh god yes’ he moaned as he felt Ryan insert another finger and teasingly fuck him.
Colin could feel himself relaxing to Ryan’s touch. He felt Ryan withdraw and spread his legs slightly. Looking down he saw Ryan’s long dick, its head glistening from precum.
‘Ok?’ Ryan looked at him and ran his hands softly across Colin’s chest.
Colin nodded and closed his eyes to the most intense feeling he had ever experienced as he felt Ryan’s cock enter him; Ryan’s hands gripping his thighs as he felt Colin’s tightness wrap around his pulsating dick. Colin had relaxed and it didn’t hurt when Ryan cautiously entered him, save for a bit of adjusting with his hips. Breathless, Ryan savoured the feeling before gently thrusting in and out of Colin’s body.
‘Oh Ry, yes, mmm’ Colin moaned and clutched the bed sheet, feeling his hips thrust upwards instinctively as Ryan increased his rhythm.
He could feel Ryan nearing the spot he was looking for and willed him to go deeper.
‘Oh Col you feel so good…so hot’ Ryan’s hands found Colin’s and gripped them.
‘Please Ry, harder, please oh GOD, YES’ he screamed as Ryan hit his prostate.
Sensing Colin would cum soon and knowing his own body, Ryan reached for Colin’s cock and pumped him as he drove harder into his body. The sensation of Ryan within him coupled with the throbbing of his cock was unfathomable as Colin felt Ryan hit that spot with every thrust.
Ryan thrust himself fully into Colin, joining their bodies as one as Colin felt Ryan empty his warm essence into him.
‘Colin, Colin, COLIN’ Ryan had repeatedly called as he felt himself tumbling over and over again in ecstasy.
Colin’s cock erupted in Ryan’s hand, smearing both of them as Ryan collapsed on top of him. Both men lay breathless and unspeaking as rapture and elation resonated throughout their bodies. Colin sketched circles on Ryan’s back, bringing him back from Elysium. He withdrew from Colin’s body and pulled him close and smiled.
‘Happy?’
Ryan felt Colin smile against his chest in response. ‘Incredibly’ he replied, running his hand through Ryan’s hair.
Ryan sighed contentedly. ‘I never thought we’d get to this, but I’m so glad we did’.
Glancing at the wall, Colin noticed the clock and brought Ryan’s lips to his own.
‘What was that for?’ Ryan asked.
‘Two reasons. Happy New Year – seems we were too preoccupied to notice it arrive.
Ryan laughed.
And secondly…because I know that I can’.
‘Oh, so you’re taking me for granted now’ Ryan mumbled against Colin’s lips.
‘Mmm I really do hope so’ Colin replied, feeling his arousal build once more as Ryan’s arms enfolded his body.
-o-
Colin reluctantly opened his eyes at the piercing shrilling noise. Ryan’s arms were wrapped securely around his waist and he could hear him breathing, sleeping sound as a baby against his shoulder. He allowed himself a smile, realising it hadn’t been a dream before his ears were assaulted once more.
What is that goddamn noise? Colin shifted; his movement causing Ryan to tighten his grip.
‘Ry..let me up – I think there’s a phone ringing in here somewhere’
Ryan brought Colin closer to him. ‘Mmm?’ he mumbled, still half asleep. ‘There isn’t even a phone in here…just ignore it’ he whispered into Colin’s ear.
As Ryan’s hand wandered lower, all sounds disappeared.
-o-
Greg stumbled up the flights of stairs. He knew taking the elevator would be a bad idea given how much he’d drank, but every feeling he’d had was superseded by what Jen had told him on the phone. He’d been shaken awake by the disgruntled night manager who Jen had insisted go and find Greg as a matter of most urgency. They’d tried the room but no one was answering.
Jeeze how the hell did I end up on the floor. I can’t even remember…did Ryan and Colin kiss?
Stumbling to the reception desk he didn’t make much sense on the phone, but when Jen told him to ‘shut the fuck up and listen’ to what she had to say, he had quickly sobered up. It was 4am now; it had been 3 when he’d spoken to Jen but since then he’d vomited, fallen over twice, cursed himself more times than he could remember and had to climb 4 flights of stairs. Finally he found himself at their door.
Opening the door Greg couldn’t find the light switch, but realised the dawn was giving him all the light he needed. His eyes were drawn to the floor where he saw Ryan and Colin’s clothing, discarded at various points but leading to the only place in the room – the bed. Greg froze as his heart stopped. He saw Ryan and Colin entwined together in sleep; Ryan’s hands protectively claiming Colin as very much his own.
Holy mother of God. This was far too much to take in when it felt like his head was going to explode. For the first time in his life, Greg felt speechless – maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was what he had to say – maybe it was what he was seeing. He gave a cough.
‘Um guys’ it wasn’t loud enough to wake either of them. ‘COLIN, RYAN’ he shouted.
Colin’s eyes opened with a start, and he froze as he saw Greg standing in the half light in the door. He couldn’t speak. Ryan detached himself from Colin and raised himself in the bed, realising that there was nothing he could say to Greg that could tell a different tale than the picture he was faced with. But Greg didn’t need either of them to say anything; only he had something they needed to hear.
‘You need to get up and come downstairs with me now. I’ve just had a call from Jen. It’s Drew.’
Greg’s voice was gruff and low. He felt sick formulating every word and wasn’t sure whether that was from the alcohol or not. There was so much he knew he should ask but now wasn’t the time. Seeing Ryan and Colin feeling extremely uncomfortable, he decided it would be best if he left them to get dressed.
Greg managed a smile, feeling it was important that neither Ryan nor Colin felt he was judging them. ‘Meet me downstairs in five’ and he closed the door.
Colin felt drugged; like his head didn’t belong to him. The sight of Greg standing at the foot of the bed had rendered him immobile. Maybe if he remained as still as a statue Greg wouldn’t notice the fact that he and Ryan had been wrapped around each other. But he knew from Greg’s face that he certainly had noticed. He swung his legs out of the bed and perched on the edge, running his palms across his face in an attempt to wake up. He felt Ryan’s hand soothingly trace across his shoulder as he slumped forward.
‘Col? You ok?’ Ryan asked.
Ryan had been watching Colin ever since Greg had walked in on them. His entire demeanour had changed. He was cold and seemed uncomfortable in his presence. It felt like he was losing him already.
Colin sighed and shook his head; managing a low laugh.
‘Ok’ he repeated quietly to himself, wondering what exactly Ryan was referring to. ‘How can any of this be ok? You saw how Greg looked at us. That’s how everyone will look at us Ry, we’re going to end up hurting everyone’.
Colin’s voice rose with increasing anger and upset; he felt tears pricking his eyes as he pulled on his clothes.
Ryan leapt from his side of the bed and grabbed Colin by the shoulders, forcing him to face him.
‘Col, look at me’.
Colin brought his tear filled gaze to Ryan’s eyes and saw that determination in his eyes that meant he wasn’t going to be argued with.
‘Listen to me Col; we haven’t hurt anyone, least of all Greg. I wanted you and you wanted me….I still want you’ his voice dropped. ‘That’s all that matters’.
‘But the way he looked Ry’ Colin’s voice was small.
Ryan took Colin’s face in his hands and kissed him gently, reassuring him.
‘He was half asleep, still half drunk and yeah, I’ll give it to you – not expecting to see us in bed, but he’s clearly more concerned about whatever’s gone on with Drew.’
Colin smiled and hugged Ryan to him; needing to remind himself that he was still his. Ryan’s grip told him that he was.
‘Come on. We’d better go and see what’s happened. Ok?’
Colin nodded. ‘Yeah, I’m ok’. And he realised that he really was.
-o-
Greg drained the fifth plastic cup of water from the cooler in the hotel lobby in a vain attempt to re-hydrate and wash away the fuzz of alcohol that was clouding his mind. He tried to compute what he had both seen and heard in the past few hours. The phone call from Jen didn’t seem real, and as for Colin and Ryan…man I *knew* I was right. Greg looked around to see Ryan and Colin approaching him.
Ryan suddenly felt his bravado diminish. He had been confident and sure of himself and Colin when he was reassuring him in the bedroom, but confronted with Greg he had to admit to himself that he felt a little apprehensive at what Greg might say.
‘Hey’ Greg managed wearily. ‘You dudes ok?’
Ryan seemed to freeze. Colin pressed his hand to Ryan’s back and pushed him gently forwards towards the seating area. ‘Yeah. We’re fine, aren’t we Ry?’
Ryan smiled his reply to Colin, losing himself in their world before turning to Greg. ‘So what’s wrong? What’s happening with Drew?
‘Oh Jeeze’ Greg groaned. ‘I don’t know exactly. Jen called me in a panic but I was still mooshed. Something’s happened in Denver at the airport, some terror scare like LA but I don’t know what exactly. There wasn’t anybody around here who knew anything. The night manager was pretty pissed at having to find me and he kinda just left once he threw me the phone’. Greg groaned, massaging his head in the hope that the stampede going on inside would stop.
Colin realised that Greg didn’t seem to have processed the potential gravity of the situation; he knew that this didn’t sound good.
‘I think we should get to a television, see if we can find anything there. Wasn’t there one in the bar?’
Greg moaned at the sound of the word ‘bar’ but recalled that he had seen a television, and dragged himself from the leather sofa to wearily follow Colin and Ryan.
-o-
Deb went upstairs to check on the kids and keep them away from what the TV was showing downstairs. Thankfully she found them all asleep in the large guest bed. She smiled, thanking God that they were safe as she pulled the bed covers around them; stroking Luke’s hair.
‘Mom?’ Luke mumbled through sleep, not opening his eyes.
‘Ssh honey, it’s late. Go back to sleep’ Deb soothed.
‘Did Uncle Drew get here yet?’
Deb swallowed hard. ‘Not yet sweetie. You’ll see him soon. Go back to sleep’.
‘Tomorrow?’ Luke asked as he opened his eyes before instantly giving in to sleep once more.
Deb sighed. ‘Tomorrow. God I hope so’ she prayed as she closed the door.
-o-
Colin, Ryan and Greg watched in silent horror at the pictures being fed live from Denver on CNN. Even the news casters reporting the story found little to say. They didn’t need to say anything; the pictures told the world loud and clear what was happening. Greg’s head suddenly cleared as he watched the scenes that were being transmitted from inside Denver International Airport. The footage was grainy due to the camera equipment being used, but as the shot panned around the departures terminal they could see hundreds of people. Some were slumped on the ground, some tied to seats and others bound together on luggage trolleys. The news anchor’s sombre tone interrupted the silence.
‘For those of you just joining us, these disturbing scenes are coming from inside Denver International, where a terrorist splinter group claiming affiliation to Al Qaeda have infiltrated the airport and are holding everyone there hostage. Shortly after 9pm this evening CNN received a call from a member of the group, who gave our editors an internet server address from which these pictures are being streamed.’
Colin felt his nausea build as the camera feed focused in on a masked man holding a knife to a woman’s neck. My good God, is Drew in there? He tried to scan the screen for a glimpse of their friend.
‘This group’ the news anchor continued ‘are demanding the withdrawal from Iraq and Afghanistan all US troops. If not, they say they will detonate the highly explosive matter we saw rigged up just moments ago in the centre of the terminal building. Currently the US armed forces are trying to infiltrate the airport but as we have heard from the group, any false move made by the army will result in detonation. For those of you who have relatives or friends who you think may be inside Denver International, we will run a list of all known checked in passengers thought to still be in the terminal building. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.’
With that the news anchor disappeared from view and Colin, Ryan and Greg’s view once more became the bleak black and white scene of the Denver departures hall. Each of them sat tensed as a stream of names began to run across the bottom of the screen.
Please God don’t let him be in there Ryan prayed as he kept one eye on the names and one on the eyes of those inside the airport; eyes filled with fear. The images provided no sound, but it was clear to all who were watching the sheer volume of screams that were emanating from the contorted mouths of the people held there.
‘Oh fuck no’ Greg said with a sob.
Ryan reached for Colin’s hand beside him and gripped it with his own. They had all seen it simultaneously. The San Francisco passenger list flashed under their screen but only one name had caught their attention. The same name that had alerted Jen hours before- ‘Carey, Drew Allison’.
‘He’s there. He’s fucking there, on his own’ Greg couldn’t stop himself from sobbing. Colin laid a hand on his shoulder.
‘Come on, Greg’ he said, but knew it wasn’t adequate. He couldn’t say that everything would be ok. They all saw evidence to the contrary.
‘NO COL’ Greg jerked away from him in anger, tears staining his face. ‘He shouldn’t fucking BE there. He should be HERE, with us. I should have fucking stopped him from getting on that plane. It’s my fault he’s there’. Greg collapsed to the floor sobbing.
Ryan went to Greg and lowered himself to the floor beside him and pulled a reluctant, sobbing Greg towards him.
‘It’s not your fault Greg’ he soothed.
‘It fucking well IS’ Greg choked.
Ryan cradled Greg as he would do with his kids when they’d had a nightmare. His voice remained calm.
‘No it isn’t. You know you tried to get Drew to stay but his mind was made up. You called after him, remember?’
Ryan felt Greg nod into his chest as his sobs began to become less hysterical. Colin joined them on the floor and smiled at Ryan. He’d felt powerless to help Greg; he had nothing he could say but Ryan had firmly taken control of the situation. Colin felt useless at his incapacity to help, but proud of Ryan for how far he had come since the morning in LAX. He chastised himself for allowing the thought that thank God that they hadn’t all gone to Denver to cross his mind.
Greg detached himself from Ryan’s hold and saw Colin smiling beside him. He wiped his eyes.
‘I should really call Jen. What are we gonna do?’ he asked with fear and hopelessness.
Colin looked at Ryan, whose eyes were trained on the TV. The feed was now focused on the explosives. Time was running down as the counter showed there were three hours left.
‘Hope’ Colin replied. ‘We hope and we pray’.
-o-
Drew found it painful to open his eyes; the dull but constant throbbing pain coming from the back of his head blurred his vision as he blinked, trying to get his bearings. As he tried to straighten he found his wrists restricted; looking down he realised he had been roughly but tightly bound to the corner of a baggage check in desk with duct tape. The noise around him was deafening; it was as if he wasn’t really there – like this was some documentary style film he was watching through an eye witness point of view in the cinema. But he knew that he was the eye witness. That this was happening to him; not just those he could see around him.
About three feet away from him, a mother and her daughter had been tied to the other side of the check in desk. The mother was distraught, and Drew realised it was due to the fact that the hijackers had tied her and her daughter back to back. She couldn’t see her and was frantically trying to talk to her, to calm her down, from around the corner, Drew guessed. In her voice Drew could hear the fear of a mother who thought she might never see her daughter alive again. They were together yet may as well be a million miles apart. The kid was no more than 7 Drew reckoned. The bastards had obviously brutally man handled her as bruises were already shining on her small arms. Her face was wet with tears and her eyes remained fixed to the floor. Following her eyes Drew realised what she was looking at. Midway between him and the kid was a tatty, but clearly very much loved teddy bear. It reminded Drew of the one he had had as a kid; it still sat in his wardrobe at home. The deafening noise of people screaming had reduced to a low throng of sobs and whimpers as the hijackers shouted them down, threatening to kill them if they didn’t quiet down.
They’re getting rattled Drew thought instinctively, his military training coming back to the forefront of his mind. He had trained a little in hostage negotiations and sieges, and could see from the demeanour and actions of the terrorists on the floor opposite him that relationships between them were becoming frayed. They were arguing with each other; a sure sign that at least one of them had cracked. But at the same time he knew that these guys were organised. They knew what they were doing. Taking control of an airport wasn’t something you just decided to do; and from the way they took control of the hall and had rigged up the camera feed and explosives, it had been clear to see that this had been planned meticulously. But cracks were certainly beginning to appear nonetheless…
His eyes returned to the teddy bear that lay slumped in the space between him and the child. Casting his gaze around the check in area and seeing the people lying on the floor, Drew realised that they were all very much like the bear. Lifeless, mute and alone.
‘What’s his name?’ He asked.
The little girl’s eyes shot up in fear, unsure of where the voice had come from. She saw that Drew’s eyes were kind, but gave a furtive glance around before answering.
‘George’ she whispered, blushing and managing a small smile as she met Drew’s eyes.
Drew smiled. ‘That’s a nice name. How old is he?’
‘Six. Same as me’ the girl replied. ‘He was born when I was. But he’s scared…he doesn’t like being alone’ the girl’s voice was low and a tear made its way down her cheek.
Drew could feel his heart breaking at the sight and sound of this child. She was so fragile; she shouldn’t be here. None of them should.
‘And what’s your name?’ He asked, trying to take the child’s mind off things.
‘Lily’ she said.
‘Hi, Lily. I’m Drew’ he smiled.
‘Where’s your Mommy?’ Lily asked in all the innocence of a child befitting her years.
Drew smiled, suppressing the inner sadness he felt. ‘My Mommy’s not here. I’m travelling alone today’ he replied.
‘So…you’re alone, like George?’
Drew realised at this how alone he was. He knew no one there; he had found himself engaging with a child for conversation. Sure he had tried to divert her attention he told himself, but deep down he knew he had been desperate to occupy his own mind. To give him some semblance of a feeling that he was not utterly alone. His mind wandered to Ryan, Colin and Greg. Greg. Greg had tried to get him to stay but he had been too pig headed to even turn around. Now he wasn’t sure that he’d ever see any of them again. He saw that Lily was looking at him expectantly, wondering why he hadn’t answered her.
‘Yeah I guess’ he said smiling.
Drew stretched, seeing how far his wrists would let him extend. Not far. He was bound pretty tight, but he was pretty sure that if he stretched out his leg he could reach the bear. Straining, his leg reached just far enough, and he gently pushed the bear towards the girl, who gathered it close to her with her small jean clad leg.
‘Oh THANK you, thank you thank you thank you’ Lily cried.
‘That’s ok, honey.’
Suddenly Drew felt a sharp pain dig into his left thigh that caused him to recoil in agony.
‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing fat shit?’ a gruff voice spat in his ear.
Drew winced in pain and felt the man’s foot connect with his ribs.
‘Answer me you bastard’.
‘I wasn’t doing anything’ Drew managed through gritted teeth. ‘I just pushed the bear towards the kid, that’s all’.
He opened his eyes and saw his attacker before him. He was barely more than a kid himself, looked about 23. His skin was dark but he was American. American. How can you do this? Drew thought with disgust. Looking across to Lily he saw another hijacker standing menacingly beside her, a gun in his right hand and all manner of knives in his zip up vest.
‘Please – don’t hurt her – look I just kicked the bear to her to stop her crying, that’s all’ Drew could see the fear etched on Lily’s face, and noticed the wet patch on her jeans. She was whimpering. The man standing beside her was older; probably one of the leaders Drew surmised. He held Drew’s eyes for what seemed like an eternity before he spoke.
‘Don’t fucking try anything’ the man aimed his gun at Drew’s head. ‘Make sure he’s tight’ he said to the younger man, who jerked Drew’s heavy form backwards in order to satisfy the orders.
‘Word of advice’ Drew felt the younger man’s fetid breath hiss into his ear. ‘A man can only be classed as a hero after he’s dead. Just remember that’.
He watched the hijacker stalk off across the floor to join the 5 others towards the camera feed and watched them make a phone call. To the news station he guessed. He turned his attention to Lily, whose deep blue eyes were staring deeply at him.
‘You’re really brave’ she said in awe.
Drew smiled weakly. Brave was the last thing he felt. If he was honest he had felt nothing but unadulterated fear when the gun had been pointed at his head. Should have stayed a soldier he thought. Then I might have been able to fucking do something. He felt a coward and that angered himself. Looking at Lily and the scores of helpless people around him he knew that he had to do something. The government would be in negotiations now, trying to thrash out some sort of compromise, but Drew sensed that this gang weren’t going to be easily appeased. What tools do you have? You always have resources around you, no matter where you are. The words of the commanding officer on the special operations course came back to him as he began to scan the area surrounding him.
-o-
‘Ok listen up’ the leader said into the phone that was connected to the editorial department of CNN. ‘You tell your government that we are acting on the interests of the Afghan and Iraqi people, and if you don’t begin to withdraw troops and release our prisoners of war we will begin killing these people live for the world to see via your network. That clock you see ticking down there is how long you have to come back to us. If we hear nothing, or you don’t meet our demands, killings will begin at random. No one will be spared’.
The news room at CNN had become the control centre of the operation, as the hijackers refused to talk directly to government officials. They had said in their first call that they wanted to world to see and hear every action they made; rendering the US government unable to hide the truth of the situation from their citizens. An emergency contingent of the highest ranking military officials and politicians stood in a state of disbelief as the phone call ended and the camera feed panned the airport terminal, showing them the faces of the people held there.
‘Madame President, we have approximately 45 minutes to get back to these people. What is to be our course of action? Our troops can be mobilised in 20 minutes’.
‘General, I cannot risk the lives of so many people. We must negotiate’.
‘With respect, Madame President, these people are not interested in negotiating. We must act before it is too late’ replied the General, whose contempt for serving a female Head of State he made no attempt to hide.
The President fixed him with a firm stare. ‘With respect, General’ she echoed, ‘the decision rests with me and I will not, repeat NOT risk bloodshed by sending in the entire US army to storm Denver International, do I make myself clear?’
‘Yes, Ma’am’ he replied through gritted teeth.
‘Now, what I suggest is that we offer the release of 5 prisoners within the hour in return for the release of women and children’
The General looked on scornfully, his look not lost on the President, who regarded him disdainfully before continuing.
‘Whilst at the same time we mobilise troops in the air in an attempt to secure the airport from airside’.
General Brunt was stunned at this suggestion. Stunned, but pleasantly surprised. It was a plan that he had considered himself as the only viable option in securing a successful ambush.
‘May I suggest the use of the C-130 Hercules aircraft, Madam President? We can transport not only troops but also APCs (Armoured Personnel Carrier) to transport our troops to the terminal building from the landing strip just behind the main runway’ the General pointed towards the ground map of the Denver site. ‘They can also be used to safely transport the hostages to the C-130s’.
‘I was hoping you would suggest that, General’ the President smiled, relieved inwardly that she had finally won the trust of this man by appealing to his military strategies. He was totally engaged in planning that he merely nodded.
‘We’ll also mobilise the pilots of the F-117 stealth craft to maintain a radar watch of the terminal from the air and alert back up should we encounter any difficulties when we make the ground assault.’
‘What about medical provisions?’
‘We’ll fly in 2 737s equipped with medical staff and provisions to enable us to deal with any casualties and transport all hostages safely from the area. I suggest we fly to San Francisco International. It’s the most direct option and the airfield best equipped to receive us within a reasonable distance’.
The President smiled. ‘I leave it all in your capable hands, General. Now we must discuss the release of prisoners and relate information back to Denver’.
What do you wish us to report, Madame President?’ The Head of CNN had been silently observing the unique scene going on around him.
‘I do not wish you to report anything’.
The man looked puzzled.
‘I am going to address my citizens. Kindly arrange things. I’ll be in your studio in five minutes.’
‘But, Madame we have nothing prepared for you to say’ interjected the press secretary. ‘I strongly advise against speaking without adequate preparation’.
‘I have all the preparation I need and time is of the essence’ she replied curtly. ‘In five minutes the world will know that America is ready, and that we are acting to get these people out alive.’
-o-
The bar of the Holiday Inn was cold – and musty Greg realised as he tried to focus on and think about anything other than the pictures that CNN were broadcasting. The idea that Drew was there alone made him nauseous and he felt paralysed from being so utterly useless and unable to do anything to help him. A self styled snarky git he may be, but Greg was always there for his friends when they needed him. That was something he always prided himself on, but now he was powerless to help Drew. They all were. His and the fate of the scores of others held in Denver was in the hands of a higher power, and that didn’t rest easy with Greg.
Colin and Ryan’s eyes were both trained on the TV screen, desperate for any new information that might be broadcast. Greg didn’t see the point; it just seemed like nothing was changing - they were seeing the same pictures over and over and no one was fucking well doing anything. He couldn’t feign optimism like Colin or Ryan. He knew that they had just been trying to comfort him, but he couldn’t see a light at the end of this tunnel. All he saw was Drew in his mind’s eye. He was alone and forever in black and white; he had become 2 dimensional. Try as he might Greg could no longer see Drew any other way; as alive. He couldn’t recall him except as a black and white image shrouded in darkness. Alone. He was fucking alone.
This is how it’s going to end. I’m never going to see him again. The thought of him there is going to haunt me forever Greg couldn’t take any more and had to move away from the TV as he felt his heart pound faster and faster.
Looking out of the window he saw the LA streets slowly begin to come alive again; to start another year. The sky was hazy, almost smoggy. People walked the streets below as if nothing had happened. Life was going on, but to Greg it felt like everything had stopped. Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of Ryan and Colin; Ryan’s arm draped around Colin’s shoulder as he leaned into him. He envied them and the comfort and solace they were getting from one another. He felt isolated within his own body as he looked to the sky and hoped Drew knew he was thinking about him. He felt a presence beside him as he continued to gaze into the city sky line. Greg sighed inwardly and slumped forward. He just wanted to be left alone; he didn’t want to talk about things.
‘I’m not going to ask how you’re doing or make you sit and watch that, but I just want you to know that I’m here for you – we’re here for you, in whatever way you want that to be’.
Ryan had stood silently beside Greg, following his gaze and trying to think of something to say that he hoped would be adequate. He knew that Greg was blaming himself for a situation that nobody could ever have conceived, and that was nobody’s fault, but he knew Greg and knew what way his mind would be working. He and Drew had always been close. They were freakily similar in so many ways and had formed a strong friendship over the years, Ryan had observed.
‘I just feel so fucking inept’ Greg growled angrily. ‘And no one is doing anything, and I can’t do anything and it makes me feel fucking sick’ he ranted as he smashed his fist into the wall; feeling a dull rush of pain as he unclenched his hand.
Ryan let him rant; he knew that Greg needed to react, and anything was better than bottling it all up inside.
‘I know you feel useless. We all do, but the President’s going to make a speech soon so we’ll know more then’.
Greg scoffed. ‘Oh yeah, fill me with hope why don’t you’.
Ryan sighed and fought losing his temper. ‘Look, Greg – I know how you feel; there is nothing any of us can do to help Drew and that’s hell – don’t you think that if there was anything we could do we’d do it? But there isn’t; there isn’t anything anyone can do except leave it to the politicians and the armed forces. We just have to have faith’.
Greg fixed Ryan with a gaze that unnerved Ryan.
‘You have no idea how I feel, Ryan’ he said with a low fury.
‘Stop being such a fucking martyr, Greg’ Ryan grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him to listen. ‘Of course I know how you feel. Drew’s my friend too; don’t you think I’m worried sick about him? But it’s senseless to go on blaming yourself. It’s not helping anybody. It’s not your fault Drew’s there and now’s not the time to be cynical, ok?’
Greg wanted to spit insults at Ryan as he felt emotion bubbling within him, but he couldn’t. It erupted into tears and uncontrollable sobs as he felt Ryan pull him to him for the second time that morning.
‘You just have to put some trust and faith in whatever higher power is out there, Greg’ Ryan whispered.
‘GUYS’ Colin shouted. ‘Come see this, they’ve negotiated the release of some prisoners of war in exchange for hostages’.
Ryan ushered Greg back to the seating area as they watched the remainder of the President’s address in which she outlined the plans to regain control of the airport and ensure that all those inside got out safely. Strangely, Greg felt some semblance of hope return to his mind as he listened. There was something about the address that caught his attention but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It seemed genuine; like something he could trust.
‘Well that sounded a bit more positive’ Colin ventured as the President disappeared from view and looked warily in Greg’s direction.
Greg allowed his mind to process what he’d heard and conceded that the situation did seem more positive than it had done a few moments ago. He saw Colin flit his eyes to Ryan before looking at him again.
Greg sighed as he fell back onto the sofa and felt it absorb his aching body. ‘Guys I’m sorry I’ve been such a tool, it’s all just so’-
‘There’s no need to apologise, Greg’ Colin smiled, ‘we all know how close you and Drew are’.
Greg felt himself relax and involuntarily smiled. ‘Yeah, but not as close as you two’ he quipped as he saw Ryan sit down beside Colin and watched them both freeze. Their rigid forms and shocked faces caused Greg to laugh heartily.
Colin looked at Ryan disquietly as Greg continued to laugh.
‘Greg….um’ Ryan began
‘Oh come on, don’t look so freaked. I’ve not lost it totally – I just suddenly remembered I’d caught you in bed together and hadn’t ribbed you about it yet.’ Greg dismissed Ryan’s concerned look with a wave of his arm as he straightened up and assumed an ‘awaiting an explanation’ face. ‘Come on, spill. I need to know everything so I can tell Drew when we see him’.
-o-
The President listened to General Brunt brief the Air Force Chief of Staff on the operation; placing them on immediate standby. Her eyes wandered to the wall of TVs as the cameras panned to three of the hijackers as they stood, menacingly armed behind a cluster of hostages. The sight was sickening and fuelled her determination to make the operation a success. Her thoughts were interrupted by the General’s gruff tone.
‘Ma’am?’
She turned suddenly to find that she had obviously missed whatever he had said.
‘I’m sorry, General what were you saying?’
The General eyed her warily; unsure once more as to whether she had the guts to carry this through.
‘I was suggesting, Ma’am, that we immediately despatch the air force along with the C-130s and 737s to patrol the airspace surrounding Denver International whilst you negotiate with the terrorists. That way our men can be in place in advance; the ground area can be secured. Should anything not go to plan, our men will be awaiting orders to infiltrate the building. The 737s can land discreetly in the airfield adjacent to the runway and receive the hostages’.
The President tried to digest as much of the information as quickly as possible, realising that within moments she would be speaking directly to the men who were holding the citizens of her country to ransom; she wondered how she would find the words.
‘Yes General. If you think that is necessary?’
‘Almost certainly Ma’am. I feel our forces should be there in advance- they can land without detection. I really do advise urgent despatch’ he emphasised, one hand still holding the telephone receiver.
‘You have my approval’ she nodded. ‘Send them in immediately, but they are to await orders from me before action is taken. I want to give these people the chance to negotiate’.
As General Brunt related instructions to the Chief of the Air Force and Commanders of the land forces, the President’s eyes focused on the timer inside Denver International. 40 minutes remained. The forces would be in place in 20, but she knew that time was swiftly running out. She had to make the call. She motioned to the Head of Security to make the call. As the sound of the ringing tone became the only sound in the room, she caught sight of a pile of cash and loose change on the corner of the desk. Her eyes were drawn to the dollar bill.
‘In God We Trust’.
-o-
Colin could feel all of his body heat rising to his cheeks; he knew that he resembled a tomato; he was wilting under Greg’s intense smirking gaze. A gaze that demanded answers and wasn’t going to cease until its curiosity was satisfied. Colin knew that there was no way of avoiding this; once Greg got his teeth into something he was relentless. Feeling increasingly uncomfortable and like a miscreant teenager, Colin wasn’t sure if he had any answers; any thoughts that were circulating in his mind were dizzying. Every time he thought of being with Ryan every emotion that he felt took on a charge of its own and took possession of his body and mind, leaving him exhilarated with adrenaline but unable to function normally; at least that was how it felt to him now.
Greg chuckled and shook his head at the sight of Colin, a grown man who was shuffling and awkward in front of him, like a teenage boy caught in the act by a parent. Man I’m evil but this is just too good he thought as he turned his gaze to Ryan.
‘All right then, what about you Big Bird? Care to shed any light, hmm?’ Greg cocked his head and focused his smirk on Ryan now.
Ryan couldn’t hide the grin that was expanding across his face. This was typical Greg, but he wasn’t sure what was amusing him more – Greg treating them like teenagers or Colin’s reaction. One thing he knew for sure though, when the opportunity presented itself, he was going to get Greg back big time for this! As he glanced at his newly acquired lover his heart seemed to burst. Colin had to feel something for him for it to affect him this much, didn’t he?
Ryan laughed under his breath as he rubbed his eyes. ‘Jeeze Greg you just don’t let up, do you?’ He groaned. ‘What is this, the Spanish inquisition?!’
‘No, it’s worse’ Colin mumbled from beside him, wishing that he could sink into the sofa and hide.
Greg erupted into guttural laughter. Even Ryan couldn’t help but laugh. Colin was hilarious and on top of his game even when under scrutiny and pressure. Ryan reached across and laid his hand on Colin’s thigh, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Colin laughed involuntarily and let his eyes meet Ryan’s, finding that look that made it seem like he was the only person in his world.
‘Ok, well I guess I’d better make an attempt at an explanation then’ Ryan sighed as his laughter diminished.
‘Oh no, man, you don’t have to say anything! A picture paints a thousand words and boy you are giving me volumes!’ Greg laughed as he gestured to Ryan’s hand that was still curled around Colin’s inner thigh; causing Ryan to take on Colin’s earlier tomato like state.
It felt good to have the atmosphere filled with laughter; it had helped to ease the tension and in a strange way, bonded the three men closer together. It was funny how the strangest situation could do that, Greg found himself thinking as his laughter began to subside.
‘Look guys, seriously, much as I have enjoyed playing the shocked parental you know that I’ll support you whatever happens. Whatever you want; whatever this is – I’m happy for you and I’m here, ok?’ With his words Greg saw Colin and Ryan relax; as if his acceptance had been what they had feared he wouldn’t be able to give.
Ryan smiled, grateful for the way the conversation had turned out. ‘Thanks, Greg. I know it must have been weird for you, finding us…-well as you did’ he blushed.
‘It was a shock, yeah, but I can’t say I felt surprised.’ Greg stopped for a moment as if gathering his thoughts. ‘Surprised maybe that it actually became real; that I saw it in actuality but not surprised by you two, if you get what I mean’.
Colin looked at Ryan and noticed he looked puzzled, but he had listened to Greg intently and knew exactly what he was getting at. Greg was trying to say that it was as if he always knew that he and Ryan were a possibility; that they were meant to be; that it seemed like they belonged together. It was just a matter of whether or not it could, or ever would happen. He had described exactly how Colin had felt for so long but it was something that he had never even dared to dream might be possible. They were two married men after all.
‘I understand what you mean Greg’ Colin said.
‘You do?’ Ryan still looked delectably baffled.
Colin took his hand and smiled.
‘He means that he’s not surprised because it didn’t seem strange.’ Colin paused; his heart racing ever so slightly as Ryan held his gaze.
Colin swallowed. ‘Seeing you and I together wasn’t strange because it was as if it was always meant to be. It was natural.’
Colin watched Ryan process what he had said and hoped that he hadn’t said too much. When he felt Ryan squeeze his hand and look at him with illuminated eyes he felt all traces of anxiety slip away. Greg looked on at the scene of two of his best friends discovering their feelings for one another with fondness. It was one of the most touching displays of tentative, genuine affection that he had ever seen and he felt privileged to be a witness. He knew that it was not going to be without its complications because of their respective situations, but as he observed Ryan’s realisation of Colin’s words, he felt like he was an intruder; a voyeur in their world. For Colin and Ryan it was as if the rest of the world had stopped; they only had eyes for each other.
‘That’s exactly what I meant, and you’re proving me right just by sitting there’.
Ryan looked at Greg before turning back to Colin and smiling; noticing that he was still holding his hand. He no longer noticed; it was as if they blended into one when they touched. Colin had always been a part of his life professionally and personally, but now he was truly a part of him. A part that Ryan realised he would never be willing to give up. Colin made him complete.
‘Yeah, I guess we are. Natural, with the slightest hint of weird’ Ryan replied with a smile; never taking his eyes off Colin.
Colin laughed quietly.
‘That sounds like a good recipe. Natural but weird. Something you know that you’ll like, but with a hint of surprise. A hidden spice.’
Colin’s eyes conveyed a flirtatious look that was not lost on Ryan, or Greg.
‘Woah!’ Greg raised his hands in surrender. ‘As much as I love details I do not need to know about your "hidden spice" dude. That is way too much information this early in the morning!’
-o-
A thousand miles away in what seemed like an alternate universe, Drew carefully watched the agitated leader of the hijackers throw the phone against the wall and swear prolifically. He was too far away to accurately make out what he was saying but he deduced that whatever the government had suggested by means of a negotiation had not been to their liking. He feared the repercussions as the hijackers began to fight among themselves. Tempers were frayed and Drew knew that it would be sooner rather than later now that the hijackers would send a message to the government. A message that Drew knew from experience would be one of death or destruction. Most probably both, Drew reckoned and as he observed the demeanour of the terrorists, a message that was going to register high on the shock scale. He knew that there wasn’t much time. As he tugged at his wrists he hoped that he could wear away enough of the tape on the sharp edge in order to pull himself loose. As he had passed the time talking to Lily, Drew had been tentatively wearing away at the tape. His wrists ached with an intense cramping pain but he knew that when the time came, one short, sharp tug should be enough to release his hands. What he would do he wasn’t quite sure, but as he eyed the terrorists more and more frequently out of the corner of his eye he knew that the time would come soon; whatever it may hold.
-o-
‘NO, NO, NO THIS IS NOT WHAT WE FUCKING ASKED FOR’ the leader of the hijackers spat as he flung the phone across the floor; causing it to splinter against the wall.
The other members of the group exchanged fraught glances with each other as they observed him travel off into a world of his own making; his eyes and every movement he made with his body oppressed with manic energy; an energy that was all consuming and debilitating.
‘Jake, come on – we can take this – we’ve got them on the run; we never thought we’d even get this’ one of the other gang members ventured, trying to regain some control over the situation; it was clear that the hostages around them knew something was wrong.
Jake, the leader of the splinter group was a tall man; everything about him was menacing, but more so when he didn’t get what he wanted. With him it was all or nothing – with regards to everything in life. This plan had been over a year in the making. He had been chosen to carry it out. They had selected him from hundreds of loyal followers; trust had been bestowed on him by those in power; for those he had to liberate. He had handpicked this gang with a meticulous precision; no one would have planned it better. But, like any man he was flawed; that much was evident to those whom he had picked. They all knew that Jake was a time bomb, and his major flaw was not anticipating not being given what he wanted. He never anticipated that the government would fight back; that they would dare to do anything but capitulate. He underestimated his adversaries and in doing so was already teetering on the brink of his own demise.
As he observed Billy, he allowed the words he had heard to digest slowly; savouring them; his eyes showing an incredulity that this boy had dared to question him. In a flash of a second he had him pinned against the wall; his well toned body bridging any chasm of space between them; suffocating the younger man with the weight of his being. Billy had nowhere to look but into his eyes; eyes that were dancing and darting but all the time boring into his own. There was nowhere for him to look; he found himself closing his eyes to avoid his gaze.
‘Open your fucking eyes, when I’m looking at you, boy’ Jake spat out in a low hiss; his putrid and fusty breath feeling like it was decaying Billy’s features as it hit his skin.
The remainder of the group watched in uncomfortable silence as Billy opened his eyes and Jake stared at him wordlessly until he was satisfied he had instilled sufficient fear into him.
‘We never thought anything’ he said quietly into his face, maintaining his suffocating pressure on Billy’s body. ‘I did the thinking; I continue to do the thinking, and I decide what "we" get out of this, right Billy?’
Billy knew he was sweating profusely as his entire body was engulfed in a cool pallor. He could find no words to break the intimidating gaze and merely nodded jerkily. His neck instinctively snapped back against the wall as he felt the tip of cold steel against the point where his chin and neck met.
‘That’s right, good boy, Billy’ Jake smirked as he felt Billy nod jerkily against the sharp point of the serrated commando knife he had pulled from his pocket.
As quick as he had pounced on him, Jake removed himself from Billy, allowing air to circulate without constriction through his body once again. The mania disappeared from his features also; his being changing like a chameleon as the situation called for it. He fixed each member of the group in turn before adjusting the focus of the camera they had rigged up to pan over a section of the terminal.
‘Now they’ll see what we think of their offer’ he said.
Picking up a machine gun, the others watched as Jake’s eyes seemed to smirk slightly as he took random aim and fired across the expanse of the terminal in front of them; showering the air with a stream of bullets; the shrill noise of their firing echoing deafeningly into the distance before the walls became splattered with blood and the only sound that could be heard was that of screams.
-o-
The editorial room at CNN stood frozen with the rest of the country as the President and those gathered watched the gunman unleash a merciless reign of fire inside Denver International before he cradled the gun and regained his composure; squaring his body defiantly in front of the camera.
‘Now we’ll see if they get the message’. The sound of his words didn’t carry across the silent black and white video feed but his meaning was clear for all who watched. The President’s eyes were fixed on his form; she had never thought it possible to feel such complete and utter loathing and contempt for another human being. The words on the dollar bill still echoed in her mind: In God We Trust, but bitterly this time.
‘Madame President, please’ she heard a voice urgently press as she looked around to meet the eyes of General Brunt. She knew there had been a frenzy of conversation after the images had been shown, but the only sound in her ears was that of the imagined screams of those held in the terminal.
Her voice took on coldness; there was no time for emotion; the situation had to end now. ‘How far away are the troops General?’ she asked, betraying none of the horror she had felt at the sight of the images that she could still see from the corner of her eye.
‘Six minutes approximately until they can rendezvous and be ready to infiltrate the building’.
‘You have my immediate authorisation to issue the order, General’ with a nod she affirmed what she had said and met respect in the eyes of General Brunt before she left the room; desperate for an atmosphere away from the continual stream of images.
-o-
Jake hadn’t anticipated the arrival of the troops so soon; if at all, such was his arrogance. His arrogance and psychosis enabled his opponents to find his weakness and thereby lay waste to his plans. He had never afforded them the possibility that they would do anything other than comply with his demands; when in reality he had taunted them with the ultimate in provocation; bringing them closer to him quicker.
He smirked at the remarks of the army official standing before him. There were 4 of them- probably more not too far away he guessed but they didn’t concern him. The Lieutenant standing before him, rifle trained and ready at his side had determined eyes, but Jake saw fear there too. He was trying to hide it, but it was there nonetheless. His words, ‘get down, get down’ had puzzled him before he realised they were directed at the hostages. ‘Surrender your arms immediately’ had been for him.
Jake was quick though, and always composed – the arrival of this little commando troop didn’t faze him; he still felt untouchable. He was still going to win – one way or another. They’d discussed this before; planned for it. Any involvement from the armed forces and they would be ruthless. No one would be spared – that’s what he’d said. The others knew the plan – he’d told them often enough and they were poised now; scattered at various points across the floor so that these select defenders sent by the government couldn’t get to them easily. So that they couldn’t take them down without taking the hostages with them. All or nothing.
-o-
The screams were constant; each one filling the atmosphere with its own unique brand of fear and terror. People were bleeding out where the gunman had opened fire; some were undoubtedly dead; those close to them unable to help; their cries going uncomforted and their eyes continually fearful as they pleaded for help that couldn’t be given; as their pain subsided and they slipped into oblivion. Where one person’s pain ended, those who watched it end took it on board; their own emotions burgeoning with loss.
Drew watched the arrival of the Special Operations Contingent as they entered the terminal from the rear and as they confronted the leader. Where he saw relief and tears from prayers answered on the faces surrounding him, however, he knew that there would be more blood shed before they would be able to get out. If they would ever get out alive. His hands were loose now but he held back, watching the Lieutenant from a distance as they observed the hijackers disperse around the terminal.
Clever bastards Drew thought as he watched; he knew this was deliberate so that the army couldn’t bring them down without fear of hurting those held in the building. Time seemed to stop temporarily; a stand off between the Lieutenant and the leader of the hijacker to see who would move first. Drew’s eyes were fixed on the scene; so intent that he didn’t see what happened a mere distance from him until he heard the familiar cry.
‘No, Mommy, please don’t let them take me’ came the distressed cry from Lily as she was yanked forcibly from her ties.
Drew’s attention snapped to see her being lifted bodily, kicking and screaming as he noticed the other members of the gang lifting people at random; all of them women and children. Lily’s mother was screaming but Drew could only hear the child.
‘Drew!!’ her voice anguished as her small arm outstretched towards him; her eyes beseeching and terrified.
Drew snapped his hands free and lunged to his feet; in 3 strides he flung himself towards Lily; grasping her and pushing her from the grasp of the man; startling him in the process as he didn’t hear Drew’s ambush. As he grappled on the floor with him; trying to suppress him with his weight, Drew heard simultaneous shots being fired and was unsure from whom they came.
His body was being pummelled; he tried to shake the hijacker off but found himself below the man; looking into his eyes he saw they belonged to the kid who had threatened him earlier.
‘Remember what I told you about heroes?’ he said through gritted teeth; forcing his hand to Drew’s neck with a force that surprised Drew as he was unable to reply; only look into those eyes – the eyes of a boy.
As he tried in vain to push him off, Drew heard an explosion echo in the distance as he saw the eyes of the boy flicker away to the root of the explosion before returning to his own with a newfound gaze. The gaze suddenly became blurred as Drew felt the sharp piercing of cold steel perforate his abdomen; causing a warm feeling to flow through his body; all sound and sight ebbing away as his sight faded.
-o-
‘Jesus’ Ryan said as the sight of open fire caught his attention on the television.
Colin felt sick as he saw the gunman defiantly staring down the camera and into the eyes of millions; wanting to instil fear and terror; wanting to bring the country to their knees.
They watched as the army had stormed the rear of the building, but nothing had happened – the man who had opened fire just moments ago had barely even flinched; he showed no fear – that much was obvious from his reaction. The members of the gang had started to seize hostages, dragging them across the floor and holding them at gun or knife point.
There were no words that Colin, Ryan or Greg could find to illustrate the incredulous sight before their eyes. Silent tears soaked Colin’s cheeks as he watched the people; knowing that they were screaming and pleading for their lives.
Greg’s voice pierced the silence. ‘Holy fuck it’s Drew’.
Colin scrutinised the screen and saw Drew’s form lurch across the screen and topple the man who was carrying the small girl; wrestling with him on the ground.
‘Are..are you sure?’ Ryan squinted at the grainy screen.
‘He’s right, it is Drew’ Colin watched in awe as Drew threw himself again and again on the man in an attempt to overcome him.
A flash of light filled the image with white as the images of the people there faded; leaving only a blank screen as the feed cut out and returned to the CNN information screen.
As Ryan’s eyes remained mesmerised by the screen; his hand reached out and gripped Colin’s with a tense grasp; the sound of Greg’s strangulated sobs filling the air.
-o-
Not long after the images of Denver International disappeared from the screen, the CNN news anchor reappeared; an ashen spectre of his former self, to inform the nation that the reason for the loss of picture was as a result of the US armed forces throwing hand grenades in the direction of the terrorists in the left locality of the terminal building.
‘We are, as yet, unable to bring you any further details as to casualties and fatalities incurred as a result of this assault, but at this moment we do know that the hostages are being loaded onto the waiting aircraft where they will be flown to San Francisco’-
The news anchor’s words became more and more feint, as with a shared glance, Colin, Ryan and Greg fled the bar and the Holiday Inn; leaving their few belongings behind. They knew where they had to be and that they needed to get there as quickly as possible; but as they wandered into the morning LA sun, Greg stopped.
‘Wait’ he said, coming to a stop on the pavement outside the hotel; feeling the unwanted blinding light as it hit his eyes and increased his headache tenfold.
‘What is it Greg?’ Colin asked
‘How are we gonna get to San Francisco?’ Greg stared, his voice tinted with questioning fear and the persistent wondering as to whether Drew was still alive circulating his thoughts.
Colin felt dumbfounded; as they had all raced to leave the hotel it hadn’t occurred to him or Ryan, by his blank expression Colin noted, indeed as Greg pointed out, how they were going to get to San Francisco.
Greg cursed himself for not thinking about such a simple thing in the first place; he cursed himself again that his brain wasn’t allowing him the answer to the question now as it seemed like time was slipping away from him at a rate of knots. Ryan’s voice broke his thoughts.
‘What about a train? It’d be quicker than a bus?’
Colin quickly did the math in his head at Ryan’s suggestion but Greg got the solution sooner.
‘No, that’ll take us half a day. There won’t be any direct trains and we’ll have to change and take buses’-
Colin could notice Greg’s voice and demeanour becoming more erratic and knew that someone would have to take control of the situation.
‘Greg’s right, Ryan. It would take too long and it’d be too frustrating. Look, there’s a car rental place at the end of the street’ he pointed, squinting into the sunlight. ‘We’ll take a car and drive; at least we can go at our own speed’.
At Colin’s words Greg had seen the light and took off at a running pace towards the rental showroom; leaving Colin and Ryan in his wake as they ran to catch up with him. By the time Ryan and Colin reached the car lot they could see Greg talking frantically and gesticulating wildly to the very bewildered sales assistant, who clearly thought Greg was some kind of lunatic.
Colin pushed his body to run that little bit faster as he saw Greg reach out in desperation for the assistant as he clearly wasn’t getting through to him quick enough.
‘JESUS FUCKING- Greg surged forward in exasperation only to find Colin in between himself and the startled salesman.
‘I’m sorry, please’ Colin panted; in pain from not being able to catch his breath as he tried to will his heart rate to slow. ‘Greg, let me handle this’ Colin pressed his hands firmly to Greg’s chest; fixing him with a stare that all his debilitated strength would muster. Reluctantly, Greg backed away; noticing Ryan doubled over in an attempt to catch his breath.
Colin allowed himself a few deep breaths and motioned a ‘give me a minute’ gesture with his hand towards the assistant who looked on warily at the 3 men who had just burst through the door moments before. Once composed, Colin apologised for Greg’s behaviour and explained their situation and what they needed. Within 10 minutes – or an eternity as Greg saw it as he chewed repeatedly on his nails – Colin appeared with a set of keys for a family saloon. As he approached it, Ryan winced inwardly at how uncomfortable an 8 hour journey in this car would be for his back, but he knew better than to mention it. Greg laid out his palm in anticipation for Colin to give him the keys. Colin looked at him; sternly questioning.
‘Get in the car, Greg.’
Greg considered arguing but knew deep down that Colin was right, and from that determination in his eyes knew that he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. With a stubborn grunt he opened the back door and slumped in; slamming it behind him.
‘You ok?’ Ryan glanced across the roof of the car towards Colin, noticing how flustered he was.
Colin smiled wearily back. ‘Yeah I’m ok. We’ll take it in shifts- that ok with you? I don’t think Greg’s in a fit state to drive, however much he may protest’.
Ryan nodded; as he looked at Colin he felt his heart rate quicken and his cheeks redden, though he didn’t know why. It wasn’t lost on Colin either, who smiled up at him from under his soulful eyes.
‘Here’ he said, throwing the map across the roof of the car towards Ryan. ‘Find us the quickest route’.
Greg leaned forward through the gap between the two front seats as Colin fastened his seat belt whilst Ryan studied the map. Colin turned to face Greg and smiled.
‘Strap in, I know I may look quiet and sedate but this isn’t gonna be a road trip’.
Greg sighed; laughing before looking up from his glasses. ‘You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that’.
-o-
Noise and images alternated between loud and clear to fuzzy and inaudible as Drew felt the strange sensation that his body was no longer his own. He knew he was moving but not by his own power; he could barely make out the harsh light that seemed to shine down and engulf his entire being. It was like he had been transported to a different time; any images that passed through his head were memories of long ago; that much he knew. He saw himself playing in the backyard, his Mom laughing from the door as she watched him play. And then there was work; the first day of filming for Whose Line; he could feel his nerves as he saw Colin and Ryan sitting in the corner of the green room talking. Greg flashed into his mind, but it was the Greg he knew now; he was slumped on a chair in a tortured sleep; it was like Drew could feel his energy and his thoughts. Greg was worried about him…why….Drew’s thoughts subsided with a sharp shooting pain in his belly and as his consciousness faded once more he felt a grip on his hand.
‘Stay with this one; not sure if he’ll make it. He’s lost a lot of blood and needs fluids urgently. Large laceration to the lower abdomen – we’ve packed it as best we can’ the soldier shouted over the roar of the aircraft engines as the gurney carrying Drew was wheeled onto the 737.
‘What about the kid?’ the medic shouted as the soldier made to run off to aid with the last few remaining hostages.
‘Must be his daughter’ came the yelled reply. ‘He got stabbed saving her when they grabbed her. She was stemming the blood when we got to him. Wouldn’t say much but she wouldn’t leave him’. The solider turned and ran to the approaching APC.
The medic looked down at the patient and knew things didn’t look good, but caught sight of a set of dog tags shining through his torn shirt. He breathed a sigh of relief knowing it would indicate his blood type.
‘Good news sweetie, looks like we’ll be able to help your daddy a lot quicker than we thought’.
Lily regarded the man, who seemed to have kind eyes, but quickly averted her gaze and tightened her grip on Drew’s hand; clutching a blood stained George with the other as the aircraft doors closed and it began to taxi.
-o-
‘Come on, answer the phone damnit’ Jen drummed her fingers impatiently on the counter as the incessant dial tone pierced her head.
‘Holiday Inn reception, how can I help you?’
Jen sighed; there had been no response from the room and her call had been re-routed. ‘I’m trying to contact Mr. Proops urgently; it’s his wife.’
The manager sighed audibly into the phone. ‘I’m sorry Mrs. Proops, but Mr. Proops and his companions are no longer with us. They left their belongings behind and negated to pay the bill. I’d be very grateful for a forwarding address for that if you would be so kind’.
His haughty tone aggravated Jen and she failed to suppress the scream that was bubbling within her. ‘I’LL SEND YOU A FUCKING CHEQUE, THANKS FOR NOTHING’ she yelled as she slammed down the phone, cursing Greg, Ryan and Colin. Where the hell could they have gone?
‘Jen, what’s wrong?’ Deb laid a comforting hand on her back as Jen explained that she had been unable to get a hold of the guys. The gravity of the situation combined with a night with no sleep finally hit her as she collapsed sobbing into Deb’s waiting arms. God I miss Greg she pained inwardly.
‘Ssh, I know’ Deb soothed, instantly reading her thoughts. She felt the same way; her emotions were in turmoil between thinking about Drew and thanking God that Colin was safe. ‘Here’ she handed Jen a tissue and ushered her to the kitchen table, urging her to sit.
‘I’m sorry, it’s just all getting on top of me’ she sniffed.
Deb dismissed her apology immediately. ‘Don’t be – we’ve all had a hell of a night, but don’t take this as a bad sign. You told Greg what happened when you spoke to him – they’ll have seen what we’ve seen and if I know anything, they’ll be on their way here now. He’ll call – you know what they’re like, they just haven’t thought to do that yet!’
Jen laughed through her tears and wiped her eyes. She knew she was being irrational. She caught sight of Pat standing sheepishly in the door frame.
‘What’s happening? The kids want to come down’ she asked, her voice stonily quiet and her gaze hesitant.
Deb looked to Jen before turning back to Pat. ‘Well I think the kids need to stay here; with the way things are I doubt we’d get near the hospital with them. Look, why don’t you stay here with the kids and wait to hear from the guys and Pat and I will go to the hospital and see if we can find Drew?’
Jen thought about it and realised that looking after the kids would be a welcome distraction. ‘Is that ok with you, Pat?’
Pat nodded curtly. ‘I’ll grab my coat and meet you in the car’ she said to Deb before leaving the room.
Deb reached across and squeezed Jen’s hand. ‘It’ll be ok you know. We’ll call you as soon as we know anything. Don’t let the kids run you ragged!’ she smiled, picking up the keys and closing the back door.
-o-
There was very little traffic on the Freeway Colin observed as he was able to maintain a steady 80mph. He’d expected more as it was a public holiday but was thankful for all their sakes that they were able to make good time. There was no noise in the car save for the constant hum of the air conditioning. The sun was rising higher into the clearing sky as Colin pulled down the sun visor. As he glanced in the rear view mirror he noticed that Greg was slumped over to the side, sound asleep. Ryan caught glance of Colin and turned to see Greg sleeping soundly; his face full of the innocence of a child. As he turned back he winced, making an involuntary low hiss as he tried to stretch his legs. Colin’s voice startled him.
‘Your back hurting?’ he asked, keeping his eyes on the road all the time.
Ryan twisted in an attempt to get comfortable. Hurting? Yeah you could say that he thought. ‘Just a bit’ he replied, focusing on the map.
Colin looked at him and smiled, ‘liar’.
Ryan could hear the smile in his voice and looked up to meet his eyes; laughing. ‘It’s fucking killing me, Col. I’m gonna be crippled by the time we get there’.
Colin reached an arm across and laid it on Ryan’s shoulder. He couldn’t take his eyes off the road for long but he wanted Ryan to know he was there. ‘We’ll have to stop for gas soon; you can stretch it out then. Will you be ok to drive for a bit? I think I could do with some sleep too, Greg’s making me drowsy’ he laughed as Greg’s low rumbling snore travelled through from the back seat.
As Colin returned his arm to the steering wheel, Ryan still felt the imprint of his palm burning a heat through his shirt. He looked at the map. The next gas station was about 15 miles away; with Greg asleep he figured this was as good a time as any.
‘Col?’ Ryan’s voice was small and hesitant.
‘Yeah?’ Colin’s eyes flitted to Ryan briefly before returning to the road.
‘About last night….I think we should- I think we need to talk about what happened….about us’.
Colin’s eyes fell to his hands that were tensing; gripping the steering wheel as his knuckles turned white. He felt his throat suddenly dry and unable to look at Ryan.
‘What about it? What do you mean?’ he asked.
Ryan was silent. Suddenly he wasn’t at all sure what he’d meant; what he’d hoped to achieve by asking. It just felt like something needed to be said; that they had to acknowledge it.
‘Well….um, I guess..what we did- we’-
‘Had sex?’ Colin interjected his eyes on the road before turning to see Ryan’s shocked face; all colour drained from it. He couldn’t help but laugh.
Ryan regarded Colin before giggling uncontrollably. He rubbed his face and felt heat rising to his cheeks. ‘Yeah, we did, didn’t we? Man we’re too old for this’ he sighed.
‘Speak for yourself, Ry!’ Colin quipped; adding to Ryan’s laughter.
‘Well, you know what I mean’ Ryan said as he rolled down the window and watched the grassy banks fly past as the air made a welcome breeze across his neck.
‘What? That we’re too old to start again, to start together?’
Ryan turned his neck sharply, enduring a cramping pain but unsure as to whether he had heard Colin correctly. His eyes still refused to meet his as they remained focused ahead.
‘Do you….mean that? I mean I know what you said last night about your marriage but…’
Colin cut in. ‘There’s a lot that has to be thought about here, Ry. A lot of people are involved beside just you and me, but what I said last night still stands. I can’t live a lie; not now. Even if you and I – what happened with us- ended last night I couldn’t just go back to how things were. I couldn’t do that to Deb. Or myself’.
Ryan silently processed what Colin had said, watching him as Colin was the picture of calm; eyes straight ahead, the only sign of tension in his body being the slight flexing of his hands as they gripped the wheel.
‘Right…’ it was all Ryan could manage to say; there was so much going through his mind. He knew that every aspect of his life could potentially change within a moment.
‘Look, Ry’ Colin said gently, ‘I’m not saying any of this to pressure you; I’m just being honest. You have your own family, your own life and I’m not expecting you to change anything for me. All I know is that regardless, last night changed things for me and I can’t go back to playing happy families. You have to change things for you. If that’s what you want. If things don’t work out, then obviously I won’t implicate you. Deb will just think I’ve had an affair’ Colin’s voice trailed off, he knew that he couldn’t keep up his calm exterior for much longer as his eyes pricked at Ryan giving him an answer he didn’t want to hear.
Ryan couldn’t believe what he was hearing and stopped Colin immediately. ‘Pull over’ he said sternly.
‘What? Ry, I can’t, we’re in the middle of the freeway’ Colin said, turning to look Ryan full in the face for the first time.
‘Just pull over’ Ryan replied, staring him out as Colin pulled onto the hard shoulder and put on the hazard warning lights.
Ryan unfastened his seat belt and positioned himself so he could face Colin. ‘Col, look at me’ he said firmly. Colin reluctantly prised his hands from the wheel and turned to meet Ryan’s deep green eyes, boring into his with a fierce intensity. He felt sweaty and vulnerable. He looked down as he felt Ryan’s fingers tentatively reach out to his own.
‘Last night changed things for me too’ Ryan said finally, ‘in a way I never thought could be possible- I ‘- his breath caught. ‘Whatever happens now I can’t lose you – I can’t be without you Col, I just can’t’ he said, his voice tinged with urgent desperation.
‘But Ry it’s never going to be that simple’ Colin said quietly, only to have Ryan’s finger hush his lips.
‘I know it’s not; I know there are a lot of people involved – people neither of us want to hurt, but I don’t ever want to hear you say anything like that again. I am implicated – because I want to be, and if it comes to a time where we tell Deb and Pat I’ll be there. We’ll be there; I don’t want last night to stop here, ok?’ Ryan’s voice was resolute and his gaze unfaltering as he gripped Colin’s hands.
Colin smiled as he looked down to see Ryan’s hands laced in his. ‘Ok’ he nodded as Ryan leaned over to kiss him gently, sending waves through his body as they pulled away.
‘Ok, so first of all I witness your first union together and now I’m privy to your first domestic within the space of a matter of hours. If we pass a drive in church you’ll be expecting me to be a witness.’
Greg’s nasal sarcastic tone drifted from the back seat, filling the silent void and freezing Colin and Ryan to the spot before they turned to see him staring at them, eyebrow cocked. Ryan laughed as Colin stared open mouthed, his temperature rising.
‘How long have you been awake?’ Ryan asked.
‘Long enough’ Greg smirked, enjoying making them squirm. ‘And long enough to know we’re gonna get busted if you don’t pull off the hard shoulder’.
Colin laughed and shook his head as he checked his mirrors and pulled back onto the freeway; they continued in silence for a few minutes until Greg spoke once more.
‘Oh, and by the way – when we get to the gas station get me a coke….in case I should fall asleep again’.
Colin couldn’t believe it; glancing at Greg in the mirror – his face yet again the picture of innocence and apparent sleep, though Colin would have sworn he could detect the makings of a smirk playing on his lips.
Glancing at Ryan they shared a smile of resignation; knowing that it would be safer just to keep their mouths shut. So much for privacy Ryan thought as he smiled and reached across once more for Colin’s hand.
In the back seat Greg cracked his eye half open and allowed himself a grin before stretching full out on the back seat. He’d won the game; that was enough. It was time to leave them in peace.
-o-
From the moment they had pulled out of the driveway, Pat hadn’t uttered a word; she remained lost in her own numbness slumped against the side of the passenger door, the cold metal of the frame deadening her thoughts further. Her body was telling her that she wanted to cry, but she didn’t know what the point would be. A constant dull anger persistently filled her being; she felt continually alone with nothing to fill the void. Ryan was never there and she resented that; when he did deign to come home she resented him even more for rushing back into their lives and having the kids flock to him in a way that they never seemed to with her, however hard she tried. So eventually she’d stopped trying. Why bother to try when he didn’t seem to need her? She knew their relationship was failing fast but she also knew that she didn’t care about that as much as she should. If she allowed herself to be truly honest, she didn’t care at all. Not anymore. She had lost the battle.
Ryan’s career came first, followed by the kids and then Colin. It had always been Colin; she knew that ever since they met. Whilst she had never had any cause to suspect anything sexual, Pat knew that the position of Soul Mate had already been filled when she met Ryan and the first person he introduced her to was Colin. Their bond and relationship was like nothing she had ever seen before; it was threatening – no one could ever penetrate their bubble. Only in the eternal optimism of first love, however, when Ryan had proposed, had she allowed herself to believe that she could take that place; that she would come first. Because he had asked her – he wanted her to be that person. Or so she had been foolish enough to hope. But that had never happened, not completely. Their relationship only deepened so far, and where they stopped Pat knew Ryan and Colin would begin and forever go on. Tears that had once flowed on a daily basis had dried up as she realised the futility of her hope and her resentment at his lack of desire to try deepened, along with her own sense of self loathing brought about by the fact that she could never feel strong enough to leave. Ryan had gained everything he wanted, in a way that he wanted and suited him whilst it was she who was left alone with only her shattered ideals as to how her marriage should be. As days and nights had gone by, the pieces of those shattered ideals had splintered, gouging into her heart and soul until she became numbed by the ever present pain; no longer able to feel anything.
‘You know, Ryan does care about you; I know that might seem difficult at the moment, but he talks to Colin all the time about how he knows he needs to make more effort and that he doesn’t deserve you’ Deb said in an attempt to draw Pat out of her own thoughts, her voice shattering the stillness like the first rumbles of a thunderstorm.
Pat noticed with disdain that Deb was eyeing her with concern. As she registered what Deb had said, a low rumble of laughter filled the car.
‘Oh I’ll bet he does’ she said weakly, shaking her head as Deb manoeuvred into the hospital grounds.
Noticing what seemed to be a never ending volume of traffic and media vehicles ahead, Deb parked the car in the staff lot at the edge of the grounds.
‘What do you mean?’ she asked; her voice quiet and full of concern as she shut off the engine. Looking at Pat, she saw someone who was clearly depressed; someone who had become determined to shut everyone out by creating an impenetrable barrier.
Feeling Deb’s eyes questioning her, Pat turned to see a sight that she had become accustomed to recently. Pity. She’d even begun to see it in the eyes of her own children.
‘Forget it. It doesn’t matter’ she sighed.
‘But Pat, it does matter. I care about you and Ryan- we both do, Colin –
‘THAT’S THE PROBLEM’ Pat erupted at the sound of Deb’s sanctimonious sympathy and perpetual calm.
‘Can’t you SEE it? COLIN is the problem’.
Deb looked on at her, incredulous; only serving to add to Pat’s ever increasing exasperation.
‘He talks to Colin all the time! – he’d talk to Colin til the cows came home, but he never talks to me, never’ Pat screamed; Deb could feel the heat of her breath forcefully hit her face. ‘That’s the way it’s always been. At first I put it down to a close friendship, but when we started having problems Ryan just stopped talking to me altogether, but I knew sure as hell that he would still be talking to Colin’ she said venomously.
‘So you’re jealous of his friendship with Colin?’ Deb said in astonishment.
As Pat regarded Deb’s reaction she realised that she was talking to someone who was totally blind to any thought she might have. She had no idea; probably because she didn’t care to. And why would she? In her mind she and Colin had the perfect relationship.
‘You don’t understand. Forget it.’
Deb felt her own anger rising and any prior sympathy wane; what she saw before her was nothing more than the tantrum of a petulant child coming from a woman old enough to know better; a woman who needed to put the needs of her children before her own jealous notions.
‘You know what, Pat – I’ve tried, so help me we’ve all tried this whole weekend but I’ve had enough. You’re acting like a spoilt child and I’m sick of it. You need to grow up’ she said, her tone hardened as she made to open the door.
‘So you’re telling me that you’ve never thought it weird? That you’ve never once in all these years felt second best?’ Pat demanded
‘To what?!’ Deb screamed, exasperated.
Pat studied her silently and saw a brief flicker of doubt behind her eyes, but realised that Deb was the sort of person who chose to ignore those doubts rather than confront them. Doubts that threatened the entire stability upon which she had built her relationship; her life. She does know.
‘Say what you want to say Pat’ Deb’s eyes took on a steely determination as she dared Pat to continue, inwardly hoping that she would not.
‘I’m saying that when I met Ryan he was already involved with someone else’. At her words Deb froze, feeling a fear that she had dismissed many years ago enter her life once more.
‘Someone he has a bond with that makes it seem like there is no room for anyone else’ Pat continued, picking at a loose thread on her sweater. ‘At first things were fine but now…there just isn’t room for me. He already has someone to confide in; to share his hopes and fears with. We both know who that person is. And it’s not me’ her voice trailed with a sigh of resignation as her eyes met Deb’s.
‘Colin…loves me’. Whilst her words filled the conspicuous silence, it wasn’t clear whether they were in the form of a statement or an affirmation, or who they were intended to convince. Deb’s tone unwillingly exposed her fears.
Pat saw the desperate pleading in her eyes that implored her not to shatter the illusion and exposed the fear she had for so many years chosen not to acknowledge. A fear she was trying desperately and failing miserably, to hide.
Pat considered her closely for a few seconds and knew that anything further she said would be futile. Deb knew; possibly she had always shared the same fear as Pat; but she had never verbalised it; nor would she ever for it would be to admit that the life she knew and loved was meaningless. Pat knew that it was her decision; however foolish it may be in her eyes, it wasn’t her place to verbalise it and thereby make it real.
‘Then you’re very lucky’ she said, her voice muffled as she got out of the car and slammed the door.
As Deb watched her slope off towards the hospital entrance, her parting words resounded with as much force as the slamming of the door; pounding over and over into her mind. Tears flowed freely from her eyes but there were no accompanying sobs of hysteria. Rather, they were acquiescent tears; for something-someone that she had never truly had. She wept not because she had lost the love of her life, but because the time had come when she knew she may have to admit that she had failed to win him. As a tear fell onto her lips, the taste of salt sickened her, distastefully letting her know that she and Pat were united by the same predicament. As Pat’s form became smaller in size as she walked further into the distance, Deb realised that the time had come when she could no longer live a lie; for that lie was no longer hers alone.
-o-
When Deb caught up with Pat there was no need for any further discussion; both women could feel an unspoken yet tangible mutual understanding and empathy. Pat could see in Deb’s eyes that the doubt had been replaced by desolation; she had been forced to accept that her fears may no longer be so inconceivable.
‘I’ll never believe it until he tells me himself’ Deb said in one last attempt at defiance.
Pat could hear her voice catch and had nothing but admiration for Deb who was willing to fight until the bitter end where she had given up a long time ago. For her sake she hoped to God she was wrong. She pressed her palm to Deb’s back as they reached the door and held her eyes with a look of genuine understanding.
‘I know’ she said as she pulled Deb gingerly towards her.
-o-
‘Sweetheart, is this your daddy? Can you tell us your name? Is your daddy called Drew? Honey you’re going to have to let go now, we need to help your daddy, come on we need to get you checked over’. As they’d been pushed into the hospital, a magnitude of people had descended upon them and bombarded Lily with questions. She didn’t want to leave Drew; she wanted to be with him when he woke up.
Lily’s screams filled the air as her small hand was prised from Drew’s and the medical staff wheeled him through the large doors. Her small eyes followed him until the doors closed and he was out of sight. She was alone again.
The image of her mother; face contorted in fear flickered in her mind as she remembered Drew pushing her out of the man’s arms and she slid across the floor. She couldn’t reach her mommy though; as she lay frozen with fear she had watched one of the other bad men grab her mommy and push her into the crowd….and then there had been a flash and a loud bang. And she couldn’t see her mommy anymore. Drew was still there and she’d tried to wake him up but she couldn’t. He was bleeding so she’d lain against him and hugged him tight. They’d tried to pull her away but she wouldn’t let go. She felt safe with Drew; he would look after her until they found her mommy.
‘Who’s this?’
Lily looked up to find a nurse smiling at her holding George. She blinked warily as the nurse sat down at the end of the couch.
‘Shall we give him a bath? He’s had a tough day helping you to save your daddy’.
Lily smiled and nodded, scooting up to sit closer to the nurse as she brought forward a basin of water and began to wipe Drew’s blood from the tattered bear.
‘Want to help?’
Lily nodded and placed her hands in the water and watched as the liquid turned a deep shade of red.
‘You did a great job today, sweetie. Your daddy will be very proud of you when he wakes up. He’s gonna be just fine, you know’ the nurse smiled and Lily guessed that she must be talking about Drew. Her real daddy had gone to live with her grandparents in the sky; she had only ever seen pictures of him but she would like Drew to be her new daddy, even for a little while, just until her mommy came to pick her up.
-o-
The hospital emergency department was a swarming multitude of people – medics, injured people on gurneys, chairs – even on the floor. The sight stopped Deb and Pat in their tracks as it felt like they had travelled back in time several decades and were witnessing the sights and sounds of a WW2 field hospital. Bodies lay covered with sheets and blankets on the floor where the hospital could merely not facilitate them anywhere else. Tears, screams and groans of pain and discomfort filled the air; creating an ambience of palpable suffering. The odour that lingered brought with it the terror that those suffering had experienced; as it lingered in her senses Deb knew it would stay with her forever. Doctors, paramedics, nurses and members of the world’s various media congregated and collided in what seemed to be a never ending stream of human traffic as Pat and Deb made their way to the reception desk. The area was unattended as all available members of staff were needed to tend to the wounded and to keep the media at bay.
‘Excuse me, can you help us?’ Deb shouted across the incessant noise to a nurse who had gone behind the desk.
The nurse’s head shot up from what she was doing and gave Deb a look of utter astonishment before returning to what she was looking for.
‘I’m sorry, I can see how things are here but we’re looking for a Drew Carey; he was one of the hostages flown in from Denver’ Deb pressed imploringly, but the nurse ignored her gaze.
‘Yeah, ma’am, him and everyone else you see around you. We haven’t exactly had time to register the patients as they came through the door’ she replied sarcastically.
As she made to brush past them, Pat stopped her, grabbing hold of her arm. ‘Please…I know this is an incredibly difficult time for you; it’s obvious you’re all doing a great job, but we really need to find Drew; we need to know if he’s ok. Help us, please’.
Deb was shocked at Pat’s sudden, active involvement, but as she regarded the nurse’s features, she saw her work ethic driven façade drop ever so slightly, and her human nature take over.
‘We watched the events on CNN – Drew was hurt trying to save a little girl he pushed out of the arms of one of the hijackers’ Deb interjected, in the hope that the detail would jog the nurse’s memory.
She nodded and smiled briefly. ‘I think I know who you mean. He was taken to theatre on arrival and as far as I know he’s still there, but they took his daughter to a side ward down the hall to check her over – it’s just down on the right. I’m sorry I really have to go.’ The nurse gestured in the direction of the ward before running towards a curtained area.
Pat and Deb considered each other in bewilderment.
‘But Drew doesn’t have a daughter’ Pat shrugged.
‘She must be mistaken; she probably has him confused with someone else’ Deb sighed; looking around the hospital and realised that finding Drew would be like looking for a needle in a haystack.
‘I don’t know – she seemed pretty sure when you mentioned him being on CNN – she must have seen him too. Come on, it’s worth a shot; maybe she thought the kid Drew grabbed was his daughter – she must mean her’ Pat realised. ‘We’ve got to start looking somewhere’ Pat pulled Deb in the direction of the corridor.
After opening numerous doors and encountering sights that would be fodder for many a nightmare, Deb and Pat reached the end of the corridor and the final door. As they both stood in front of it with trepidation, Deb looked to Pat, who noticed that all trace of colour had drained from her face.
‘I’m not sure I want to open this door, Pat’, she said, hesitantly.
Pat smiled weakly in the hope of comforting her somewhat, though even she could not deny that she hadn’t been affected by the sights of dead bodies and people who bore no semblance of their former selves due to horrific burns injuries that had left them mere relics; shells that machines were now giving life to. As they had closed door after door, Pat was sure they had shared the same thought of what if Drew is like this?
‘It’s got to be this one. There were no children in any of the other rooms – if anything maybe she’ll be able to tell us something’ Pat replied, gently pushing the door, unsure as to whether she wanted to see what, or whom it contained.
Squinting with a feeling of increasing nausea in the pit of her stomach as the door opened slowly, Deb gradually opened her eyes and surveyed the room; grateful to notice that the same odour that haunted her senses from previous rooms did not linger here. This room smelt almost normal – well, as normal as a hospital room can ever smell; but there was no one here with the horrific injuries they had already seen. There were three beds on either side of the room; each of them containing people who appeared to be sleeping peacefully. At the noise of sudden footsteps on the tiled floor, a man whose leg was in plaster turned to acknowledge them before closing his eyes once more.
‘Look’ Pat whispered, tugging Deb’s sleeve for attention as she pointed to the end bed beside the window.
As they gingerly edged closer into the room, Deb could see the small form of a little girl, sleeping peacefully and clutching a very tattered teddy bear to her body as if her life depended on it. Both women’s motherly instincts kicked in at the sight, and their first thought was to gather her up; for she seemed to radiate an aura of being utterly alone; secluded in her own being. A nurse came into the room, startling Deb with a tap on her shoulder.
‘Excuse me, are you related to this child?’ she asked; her face kind and her tone of voice gentle so as not to disturb any of the patients in her care.
Deb looked at her dumbfounded momentarily before registering her question. ‘Oh, no, I’m sorry – let me explain. We’re here looking for a Mr. Drew Carey and the nurse at reception told us that’ –
The nurse held up a hand and smiled, indicating to Deb that she need explain no further.
‘She was quite the little heroine’ she smiled, gazing down at the sleeping child and brushing the hair from her face. ‘He’s not out of theatre yet, but I just got an update and they say that if it hadn’t been for her he almost certainly would have bled to death. She wouldn’t let go of him when they brought them in; must be a real daddy’s girl! You all must be so proud. I’ll let you have a few minutes, but then I’m afraid you’ll have to leave’.
The nurse smiled before quietly exiting; leaving Deb and Pat in a state of bemusement as they gazed at the little girl in the bed. Unsure but finding no other option, the approached and gently Deb pulled the covers around her small form, causing her to stir and open her large dark eyes suddenly. Both Deb and Pat saw instant terror and fear as Lily gripped at the blankets and pulled herself away from them.
‘It’s ok honey; we’re friends of Drew’s’ Deb soothed.
At the sound of his name, Lily’s wariness subsided somewhat but still she regarded them with caution. Pat eased down on the other side of the bed and smiled.
‘I’m Pat and this is Deb – we’re good friends of Drew’s and we heard that you took real good care of him’.
Lily looked from one woman to the other and nodded hesitantly. ‘He got the bad man away from me’ she said in a small voice, looking up at them from under her big innocent eyes.
‘We saw you on the TV’ Deb smiled, tucking her in. ‘Do you want to tell us your name?’
‘Lily’ came the faint whisper from the bed.
‘That’s a beautiful name’ Pat smiled and as Lily looked up, she realised these were people she could trust and began to edge back towards them on the bed.
‘George helped Drew too’ she said with assurance, coming round and as Deb looked at Pat and smiled, they knew that they had gained her trust.
‘You must have been very brave; it was a very courageous thing to do. The nurse said that Drew’s your daddy’
Lily looked at Pat, her eyes full of fear once more; scared that she had done something wrong she began to whimper.
‘It’s ok sweetie, we’re not angry with you, we just want to help you find your own daddy – he’s bound to be really worried about you right now’ Deb smoothed her hair.
‘My daddy lives in the sky with my grandparents’
The candid tone of her voice almost broke Deb’s heart. ‘What about your mommy – what’s her name?’
‘Sarah Fraser’ Lily sniffed.
‘Ok’ Pat smiled. ‘We’ll have to tell the nurse so that she can try and find her, ok?’
Lily shook her head as she stared at the blankets and hugged George towards her. ‘Mommy was on the floor in the airport when the big flash came. I couldn’t see her no more after that’.
Both Deb and Pat froze at the gut wrenching innocent honesty of the child who was saying so much and yet knew not what her words meant for her. Sitting in the middle of the bed she reached out to play with the beads on Deb’s scarf idly; leaving Deb to look at Pat only to find silent tears cascading down her cheeks.
The nurse popped her head around the door not long after; Pat was grateful to have the silence broken.
‘Great news – Mr. Carey is out of theatre and doing well in recovery. You can come and see him now, if you like – but only for a few moments’ she added.
Relieved at the positive news about Drew, Deb cleared her face of tears and turned to Lily. ‘You hear that? Drew’s going to be fine – would you like to come and see him?’
At the mere mention of his name, Lily bounded out of the bed and extended a hand to both Deb and Pat, eager to get the journey underway. ‘Oh wait, can you bring George?’ She said to Pat; ‘He’ll want to make sure Drew’s ok too’.
The nurse held the door as Lily tugged Deb and Pat out after her. ‘That’s one very special little girl he has there’ she smiled. Deb merely smiled back; she didn’t know what was going to come of this situation.
‘Oh, I almost forgot – you’re Debra Mochrie, aren’t you?’
‘Yes, that’s right’ Deb replied hesitantly.
Sensing her fear the nurse smiled. ‘It’s ok, there’s nothing to worry about, but we’ve just taken a very persistent call from your husband. He’d called where you were staying and been told you were here. He just wanted to let you know that he, a Mr. Stiles and a Mr. Proops were on their way. They should be here within the next half hour’.
Deb felt her entire being relax as she let it wash over her just how much she had missed Colin and how glad she would be to see him. The smile was still etched on her face as she caught up with Pat and Lily.
‘What’s up?’ Pat asked, noting the Cheshire cat like grin on Deb’s face.
‘Colin called the hospital. They’ll be here soon’ she smiled, pushing the door open and ushering Lily into the room.
At her words Pat’s features frozen and the thoughts and conversation she and Deb had had in the car came flooding back to her, reinstating her usual state of upset and anguish that she had displaced to the back of her mind. Ryan would be there soon, and would bring with him all of her fears and apprehensions. Fears and apprehensions that Deb, quite clearly, had once more forgotten.
-o-
What did they say, Col? Is he ok? We'll be able to see him, right, Colin?'
Greg anxiously quizzed Colin as he returned from the pay phone, getting back into the car.
Turning the key in the ignition Colin tried to process Greg's requests and realised for the first time, just how achingly tired he was. He felt Ryan's hand lightly massage his shoulder in a display of understanding and comfort. With a sigh he ran a hand over his face before turning to face Greg; the sunlight streaming through the car window highlighting the worry that appeared to be permanently etched on his tired features.
'They didn't say much, Greg. I only spoke to a receptionist. The only thing she could tell me was that he's still in theatre. Hopefully he'll be out by the time we get there'.
'In theatre? Oh my God, this is bad, he's not gonna come out of this, I know it' Greg sobbed, colour draining from his face as he felt nausea pooling in the pit of his stomach.
Increasingly weary, Colin no longer felt like he had an armoury of comforting words with which to placate Greg. Ryan turned fully in his seat, wincing at the pain it caused to his back.
'Greg, come on man, for Christ's sake, you have got to be positive here. Drew's in the best possible place; they're helping him and we're doing all we can just by getting there.'
Greg sobbed and looked about to remonstrate when Ryan reached through and grabbed his hand, stopping him.
'No, Greg – this has got to stop. I know you're frantic about Drew and that you still blame yourself for whatever half assed reason you've dreamt up, but you're driving us crazy here. You've got to get a hold on yourself – for all our sakes. And for Drew's.'
Ryan felt guilty at the use of moral blackmail, but as Greg's eyes shot up to meet his own he was satisfied that it had had the desired effect.
'I'm...I'm sorry it's just so fucking..' Greg's words became strangled sobs as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve.
'I know, man' Ryan soothed before turning round and glancing at Colin, who smiled at him with gratitude as he pulled back onto the road for the last leg of their journey.
'You ok, Col?' Ryan asked, concerned and aware that the days' strain had begun to take its toll on him.
'Yeah, I'm fine' Colin replied, smiling briefly, unable to think of nothing else to fill the silence that filled the air for the next few miles.
Ryan tried in vain to stretch his legs out; looking out the window at the increasing urbanity of the landscape, he knew they were probably only 10-15 minutes away from the hospital.
'Deb and Pat are at the hospital. Jen's got the kids.'
Colin's voice was almost inaudible; Ryan knew that it was meant for him alone and not for Greg. Even though it was an innocuous enough statement, Ryan knew what Colin was telling him. He noted that he was telling him even more by refusing to meet his eyes. In just a handful of words Ryan felt like his whole world was crumbling; the mention of their wives reminded him of the world in which he and Colin belonged; in which they had to exist. The world they had created for themselves the previous night was transitory; its time span was coming to an end; their moments in it fleeting as the sign for the hospital showed Ryan just how long they had left. As he felt his heartbeat quicken, bringing with it the threatening of tears, Colin saw Ryan's hand clench the fabric of the car seat; knuckles clenched. He wanted desperately to reach across, to take that hand the way he had done so many times over the past few hours, in a synonymous gesture of reassurance, but suddenly he could no longer will his heart over his head, and his hand may as well have been made of solid concrete; weighted by emotions that he could no longer so easily convey.
'That's it' Greg's arm reached through the gap between the driver and passenger seats, pointing to the looming hospital building ahead of them.
'Yep, that's it' Colin replied; eyes focused on the building that was becoming closer and unable to look at Ryan, whose eyes he knew were boring into him, begging for reassurance. Reassurance he no longer felt confident to give.
-o-
Pat joined Deb and Lily in the side room where Drew lay, still quite heavily sedated beside the window. The sunlight streaming through the fine curtains accentuated the unhealthy pallor of his skin due to massive blood loss, but save from a few scratches on his face and the IV in his arm, Pat was relieved to see that it was still very much Drew she was seeing. Lily looked at him with all the curiosity one would expect from a child of her years; hesitantly clinging to Deb's legs, unsure if she could approach.
'It's ok, honey – Drew's just sleeping, he's got to rest lots after the operation' Deb smoothed her hair and prised her hand away from her leg, leading her to the side of the bed.
'See? He's ok, just tired' Deb smiled as Lily edged closer, gingerly reaching up to leave the tattered teddy bear beside Drew and taking his hand.
Deb looked up to meet Pat's eyes as she stood at a safe distance on the opposite side of the bed. She knew what was behind her eyes and she knew that Pat knew she was doing her best to avoid and ignore it. And that she was doing it very badly.
'I can't do this, Pat. I...I just can't believe that 20 years have been nothing, a lie. I just can't'.
Pat ignored Deb's pleading eyes as she moved to the window, drawing the curtains to let the light in.
'You do believe it Deb. I saw that in your eyes. You believe it as much as I do'.
Pat's voice was cold and tinged with resignation that had been borne out of years of false hope. As she glanced out of the window to the parking lot below she saw Greg's unmistakable form racing across the parking bays towards the entrance. She knew Ryan and Colin would soon follow; looking back to where Greg had come from she saw just that. She could feel Deb's nervous presence behind her; she wasn't looking though – she hadn't seen them yet.
'Maybe. But I can't let it become my reality. I won't.' Deb's voice tried with all of her being to project a sense of strength and determination. A determination not to let everything she had created and lived become a lie.
As Pat regarded the two men below she felt herself smile; a smile that brought with it a bitter sweet sense of satisfaction; of affirmation.
'That choice may no longer be yours to make' Pat replied, meeting her eyes and glancing down from the window one last time before returning to the bed.
Deb looked after her for an answer, but found none. As she let her eyes find what Pat had been looking at she felt her heart stop. Below she saw Ryan, his hands reaching to Colin and pulling him close, embracing him. That was nothing strange, she tried to convince herself – they'd always been close, they always hugged. She searched the scene desperately for affirmation that everything was platonic, for a sign – anything. But no sign came. Their embrace seemed to last for an eternity, like the embrace of new lovers who have no care for the world around them, because everything begins and ends with only them. It was how she and Colin had once been. It was how she had foolishly thought they still were, but everything about the tableau playing out below her showed her just how different she and Colin now were.
When Ryan's hands cupped Colin's head, tilting his forehead to his own, Deb felt tears travel down her cheek. When their lips met she raised a hand to her mouth to stifle a sob. She was a voyeur; she didn't belong in their world – no one did. She was an outsider; Colin no longer belonged to her, and as she watched her husband's hands pull Ryan closer to him, she realised he never did. Closing the curtains she found Pat staring at her, her face impassive, resigned and hardened to the scene that had left her feeling raw.
As she saw Deb's tear stained cheeks, Pat knew that the truth hurt, but she had done her crying a long time ago. The truth no longer hurt; it was merely a fact. A reality. Something that she was used to. For Deb it was something she never planned to get used to; never wanted to acknowledge. Now it had played out in front of her, but it wasn't a Whose Line? Skit. It was real. And it would be up to her how she chose to deal with that reality.
-o-
The car was barely stopped when Greg flung open the door and began running across the parking lot towards the hospital entrance, yelling that he'd see them in there. Ryan reached into the back seat and closed the door as Colin shut off the engine and pulled off his seat belt, opening the door.
'So...what now?' Ryan asked across the roof of the car, wincing at the exquisite pain that came from the ability to fully stretch out his back.
'We go and find Drew' Colin replied, locking the car without acknowledging Ryan, unable to face those green eyes.
'You know that's not what I meant, wise ass' Ryan said, his attempt to lighten the increasingly tense atmosphere falling flat.
'Ryan, we can't do this – not now' Colin warned, walking towards the entrance, leaving Ryan behind.
'Can't? What do you mean, can't?' Ryan ran to catch up with him, gritting his teeth to take his mind off the pain that was emanating from his back as a result of the exertion.
'Stop, Colin, for fuck's sake, just stop and look at me. Why can't you look at me?'
Ryan panted, putting his hands on Colin's shoulders and forcing him to face him. He felt the sigh travel through Colin's body; though he felt no resistance from him, when Colin did finally look at him Ryan saw that his eyes were almost black with tears.
'If I look at you I won't be able to go back, Ry'.
Ryan pulled Colin closer to him instinctively, his fingers lightly massaging his waist.
'But I thought that was what you wanted? You said that no matter what I felt – you couldn't go back' Ryan whispered, seeing Colin's eyes close as he remembered their conversation in the car.
'I know' Colin exhaled, distracted by the movements of Ryan's hands. 'And I can't...but there are just too many people we're going to hurt, Ry. It.. it can't be right'.
'It's not right to lie to them, Col' Ryan said gently as his hands travelled up Colin's back.
'But now isn't the right time, Ryan. It's too selfish' Colin felt his arms wander to Ryan's waist to pull him closer, not caring who saw; just needing to feel close to him once more, for fear that it may be the last time.
'Well I wasn't suggesting that we go straight in there and just announce it. I know I'm impulsive, but Drew's more important right now.' Ryan smiled as he heard Colin laugh and felt him melt closer into his embrace.
'I just need to know that we'll be ok too, because I can't go back, Col. I really can't' Ryan fixed his eyes on Colin's as he touched his forehead with his own and cupped his jaw.
'Neither can I, I don't want to' Colin whispered before allowing Ryan's lips to meet his own, savouring the taste of him once more. 'Just not today' he mumbled against Ryan's lips.
'Not today' came Ryan's mumbled response before they parted and made their way into the hospital.
-o-
Greg stopped short of opening the door to Drew's room; his hand was on the handle but he couldn't bring himself to open it, not yet. The entire day had been about getting to Drew, to see him, to know that he was ok, to make sure he was still there; that his life hadn't ended when he had disappeared from the screen. As his hand gripped on the handle, Greg felt sweat pooling in his hands and on his back as he realised for the first time since they'd parted that maybe he didn't want to see Drew. That perhaps he couldn't see him, because maybe it would never be the Drew that he remembered. And if it wasn't, how would he cope with that? As the handle depressed from the other side, flinging open the door and revealing to Greg the room and to the room a stunned and startled Greg, he realised he was about to find out.
'Sir, can I help you?' The nurse asked, eyeing Greg with confusion and suspicion.
'It's ok, he's a friend of Drew's' Pat's voice filled Greg's ears as he turned to notice both her and Deb; allowing Pat to lead him to the end of the room where Drew was.
Greg's eyes travelled to the IV fluids, the monitors and to the apparently lifeless form of Drew himself laying still in the bed. The nauseating smell of disinfectant filled his senses and for a moment he thought he would be sick as he gripped the end of the bed to steady himself as he couldn't stop the tears from flowing, his breath coming in hitching sobs.
Pat reached across to him and pulled him unwillingly towards her into an embrace.
'Greg, it's all right. He's all right. He's just sedated after the operation. They had to give him a lot of blood, but he'll be fine. He's doing good.'
Greg cried, tears of thankfulness that his silent hopes and prayers had been answered; looking at him now he saw past the IV lines and the beeps of the monitors. It was still Drew, just like he was sleeping.
'When will he wake up?' he coughed, wiping the last of his tears away before perching on the end of the bed and taking Drew's hand loosely in his own.
'Any time' the nurse replied as Greg nodded before realising that he was being watched from across the bed by a pair of very young eyes.
Greg looked curiously at Lily who was mirroring his own position on the opposite side of the bed and holding Drew's other hand very possessively. He didn't recognise her as one of Ryan's kids.
'Lily – this is Drew's very best friend, Greg' Deb said as she laid her hands protectively on the child's shoulders, smiling across at Greg in the hope that he would be child friendly given the circumstances.
'And Greg – this is Lily. She helped to save Drew at the airport. If it hadn't been for her, he might not be here'.
As Greg listened to Deb he realised that this was the child Drew had saved; looking at her he noticed she was wary of him, wary that he was muscling in on her territory. He'd always found it a bit difficult to relate to children; it scared him that they always had that air of a deeper understanding of things.
'Nice to meet you, Lily' he smiled, reaching his hand across to her. 'Thank you for saving my buddy' he said, meaning every word as her small hand took his and he smiled, never thinking that he'd have a child to thank for giving him his friend back.
Satisfied that Greg wasn't a threat, Lily left the bed and resumed position at Deb's side, hugging herself around her leg.
'Honey, how about we go and get a soda and something to eat. You hungry?'
Deb stroked Lily's soft hair and smiled as she saw her clinging onto her leg in the way Luke had done when confronted with people he didn't know. She felt a tinge of sadness that those days, and all the happiness that had come with them, seemed now a distant memory.
Lily nodded, but looked hesitantly towards the bed, unsure as to whether to leave Drew.
'Greg will look after Drew, won't you Greg?'
'Sure I will. Hopefully he'll be awake by the time you get back and you can say hi' he smiled at Lily, who beamed back at him before leaving the room.
'I'll go with them. Give you some time' Pat laid a hand on Greg's shoulder and smiled before shutting the door and leaving Greg alone with Drew.
Greg closed his eyes, sighing and feeling the weight of the fatigue of the past hours and their events finally begin to take their toll. He felt like he had been emotionally and physically demolished; every part of his body seemed to ache but none of that mattered as he saw Drew in front of him, breathing steadily.
'Oh man.....you have no idea. Jesus, Drew I thought I'd never see you again' Greg swallowed the lump rising in his throat.
'We watched it all, you know. Me, Colin and Ryan. We saw you save that kid. You were so fucking brave and I just thought selfishly how fucking stupid it was, cos you could have died, Drew. I thought you did, I just...oh fuck it, I'm shit at this'. Greg wiped a tear and tightened his grip on Drew's hand, trying to compose himself.
'When I saw your name go across the screen I just couldn't hack it, man. Kept thinking that I should have stopped you going, or that I should have gone with you. All I could think was that you were there, alone and I couldn't do anything about it. I felt so fucking useless, and I was so scared Drew, we all were'.
Greg sighed to suppress the tears that were threatening and realised that how he'd felt no longer mattered. All that mattered was that Drew was ok.
'Anyway buddy – you have to wake up soon, we're all here. Well, it's just me right now, but Colin and Ryan will be here soon and Deb and Pat – they're here too, and Lily – the kid, she's really looking forward to saying hi. So you've got to wake up soon man, we're all here for you and need to see you're ok. I need to see you're ok.'
Greg added with a whisper as he felt Drew's fingers lightly squeeze his own.
'Drew? Can you hear me?' Greg squeezed his hand in hope of another response as Drew shifted slightly in the bed and groaned.
'Drew, what's wrong, are, oh Jesus' Greg looked around frantically for the nurse but noticed that she had left the room.
'I hear you' Drew's voice was groggy but clear enough for Greg to hear.
'DREW! You're awake, you're all right' he smiled, looking into Drew's still glazed eyes but finding the familiar glint he feared he may never see.
'Yeah I'm awake; you don't shut up' he grumbled, good naturedly smiling at Greg's face as his focus became clearer.
'And let go of my hand, would you? You've been spending too much time with those two'
Greg looked chuckled and looked bemused. Following Drew's eyes, he looked behind him to find Colin and Ryan perched on the window ledge, Ryan's fingers lightly brushing Colin's.
'Oh, man Drew' Greg laughed deep in his chest, a mischievous smirk crossing his face 'if only you got to see what I got to see....'
-o-
Deb and Pat faced each other in silent understanding in the small café as Lily fervently devoured a sandwich and a bag of potato chips.
'What will you do?'
Deb regarded Pat with a deadpan expression; her anger bubbling within as she saw in Pat a woman who appeared unwilling to fight, she was resigned to the situation; it was as if she almost endorsed it she had come to accept it that much. Deb vowed that she was not about to do the same.
'I don't plan to do anything except go back to normal'.
'Normal?' Pat's response came encased in a laugh.
Aware of Lily's presence, Deb refused to raise her voice or engage in the argument.
'Yes, normal. God knows these past few days have been anything but that. We all just need to get back into our routines'.
'So you're just going to pull the wool back over your eyes. You saw them out that window, Deb. That is normal for them now. We don't belong in that. No one else does. It's always just been them.'
Deb shook her head, as if in doing so everything Pat had said would disperse far away from her.
'I refuse to believe that my marriage is meaningless, Pat. You will not tell me that our husbands have been having an affair for years'.
Pat shrugged indifferently. 'I'm not saying that, Deb. But what I am saying is that the relationship they have together is stronger than anything they can ever feel with anyone else. And that's how it's always been. And I don't think I want to be second best any more.'
Second best.
As Deb thought on Pat's words, thought back to when she had first met Colin, to all of the times they had spent together with Ryan and Pat, she and Pat had been second best. When they were together on stage no other performer could penetrate their relationship or work off anyone else as well, and off stage Deb realised it was exactly the same. In the same room as Ryan, no one else came close. Ever. Not even her, and whereas before it had just been a touching best friend bond, the sight she had observed from the window told her that now there would be no place for her. There was no way she could fool herself into thinking that she could compete with Ryan on an intimate level. Suddenly she felt sick; pushing her tea away from her she noticed her hand was shaking.
Pat felt genuinely sorry for Deb as she watched her facade crumble and the weary signs of resignation take over her features. She was coming to terms with a reality she had never wanted to acknowledge; a reality that Pat had accepted a long time ago. It didn't help. Pat didn't feel that they were now somehow united in solidarity, that she would now be stronger as a result. As she looked at Deb she realised that that was what Deb needed – she needed Pat to say that she'd be there for her, that they would get through it together. But Pat couldn't do that. She had done the grieving for her marriage a long time ago.
'We should probably get back'.
As Deb watched Pat walk back towards the corridor she realised that she was alone, and that was something she would have to get used to.
-o-
As she entered Drew's room with Lily, Deb's eyes automatically followed the familiar sound of her husband's giggle to find him at the side of the bed sharing a joke with Drew, Ryan ever present at his side. Lily pottered gingerly towards Greg, her eyes alive with happiness at the sound of Drew's voice; tugging on Greg's jacket for his attention. She watched from the door frame as Greg lifted her up and she bashfully waved at Drew. Colin's eyes fell on Lily and then to the direction from whence she came; those brown eyes that she had fallen so in love with locking with hers. He smiled. Smiled like he always had, like he always did when he saw her. Like nothing was wrong. Instinctively she felt herself smiling back, but she couldn't go to him. Her eyes raised to meet Ryan, who was scanning her face, perhaps to see if she knew. She hoped that he thought she didn't.
And then Colin was in front of her, pulling her into his embrace, enfolding his arms around her like he always did, whispering into her hair, asking her if she was ok, telling her that he'd missed her. And that he was sorry. Deb's arms automatically snaked around him, drawing him closer and breathing him in. Opening her eyes she caught sight of Ryan's eyes, emerald green with envy quickly dart away from hers. Her feeling of satisfaction was short lived as she felt a sob escape her.
'I'm sorry I can't do this' she cried, pushing Colin away and running from the room.
Colin's pulse increased, fear and trepidation coursing through his veins as he looked at Ryan before turning to Pat, finding her eyes studying him intently.
She knew.
-o-
'Deb? Honey?' Colin found her at the end of the corridor staring out of the window to the parking lot below.
As he placed a hand on her back she closed her eyes to the familiar sensation, savouring it for the last time, knowing that this would be their last touch.
'I saw you. You and Ryan. Down there'. Her voice was steady and even; almost calm save for the tears that accompanied it.
At her words Colin immediately dropped his hand from her back and moved away, leaving Deb feeling bereft. The touch, the link and connection was gone; he had broken it.
'Deb, I'm sorr-'
'Do you love him?' Deb cut in, not wanting to hear an apology.
The suddenness of the question along with her apparent knowledge flummoxed Colin momentarily. It was an easy question, but his answer held a lot of consequences.
'Yes, I do-'
'Right. So that's it, our marriage means nothing to you?'
Colin felt his insides turn and wrench at the harsh bitterness of her tone; a bitterness that he had caused.
'Deb, honey, that's....of course it does, that's why this is so difficult'.
'Oh I'm sure it was really difficult to go to bed with Ryan'
Colin winced; this wasn't Deb talking, this was his wife who he had destroyed, trying to protect herself the only way she knew how. Deb's sobs filled the corridor as she sloped down the wall and onto the floor, cradling her head in her hands. To anyone passing by she was just another person who had lost someone, but for the first time in his life Colin found himself unable to comfort her, standing rooted to the spot he could only look at her; every sob piercing his being, reminding him with every blow of the gravity of his actions.
'Can't you just hold me one last time, please' Deb sobbed into the floor, pleading but unable to look at Colin because she knew that it would be too hard.
Colin sank immediately to the floor and placed his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into him and feeling her arms tighten around him as if her life depended on it. As tears flowed steadily in silence down his cheeks in time with her sobs he realised that it did.
Epilogue.
After a week in hospital Drew was discharged to recuperate under the watchful eye of Greg at his home in San Francisco where he made a full recovery. As a former member of the armed forces, Drew was awarded the Medal of Honour for Heroism: Gallantry and intrepidity at risk of life above and beyond the call of duty. Lily and George accompanied him to the memorial ceremony in Denver where he received his decoration and where they laid flowers in tribute to her mother, whose body was never recovered from the terminal. 55 people lost their lives that day along with 3 members of the armed forces. All of the hijackers died in the blast. When the state services said that Lily would have to go into foster care, Drew vehemently refused and fought the case with the authorities to attain status as her guardian. With help from his family and friends he won the right to repay his debt to the child who saved his life by saving hers.
When they left the hospital to return to Jennifer and Greg's, Pat told Ryan that she was leaving him and filing for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. She told him she could no longer be married to someone who was in love with someone else. That was a major irreconcilable difference in her eyes.
Colin returned to Toronto with Deb, his heart laden with oppressive guilt. Guilt for his actions, for his infidelity, guilt for all those years that he didn't spend with Ryan. Guilt for all the years to come that he could not spend with Ryan. He told Ryan he'd call, that they'd see each other soon, that he had to go home for a while. Deb wasn't coping as well as Pat. He had to try and make things better for her. Ryan knew that was it; they parted at the airport as if mere acquaintances.
-o-
Three weeks had passed since they returned from San Francisco. It all seemed like a lifetime away, Colin reflected as he was only just getting around to clearing out his overnight bag the Holiday Inn had forwarded. Every item was a memory; a touch, a look, a taste. Everything from his night with Ryan had been scooped up and shoved untidily into his bag; and there it lay before him – an entanglement. A mess. Just like everything else in his life. As he hung the last of the clothes in the guest room wardrobe, his eyes fell to something in the bottom of the bag.
Colin lifted out the white key card and felt the night come crashing back to him, Ryan's touch, their moans that filled the small room, Greg's face as he'd found them. A small smile played on his lips at that memory as he heaved a sigh, pulling out his wallet he gently placed the card inside.
Deb stood in the doorway, watching him unpacking the bag, watching him place the card in his wallet. Watching him was all she seemed to do now; words didn't make any sense. She couldn't just talk to him about normal things. She'd tried, but things weren't normal. Not any more, and no amount of good acting from either of them could persuade them otherwise.
'You're not happy'
Colin turned, surprised to see her watching him and wondered how long she had been standing there.
'I'm just unpacking the bag'
'This' she gestured around the guest room, 'isn't normal. This isn't us. This isn't our marriage. That's gone, I know that now. And I think that's the way I'd like it to be. I'd rather remember our marriage as it was than let it go on and become something I'll resent'.
Colin looked at her and saw some semblance of the strong woman he had once known return.
'Are you sure?'
Deb studied him, knowing that in his eyes whatever answer she gave would seal their fate one way or another.
She nodded. 'Go'.
-o-
Colin called Greg to find out where Ryan was living. He couldn't call Ryan, in case Ryan didn't want to speak to him; in case he said no. He had to take a bigger risk by just showing up. He waited outside the apartment block for 4 hours wondering if he'd got the wrong address before Ryan turned the corner and froze at the end of the drive upon seeing Colin standing at the door. Colin stood up, brushing the dust from his pants before placing his hands in his pockets, smiling hesitantly. Ryan walked towards him in disbelief that he was really there.
Standing opposite him, Ryan tentatively reached across, as if touching Colin for the first time once more; tracing his palm along his jaw as Colin's hand raised up to meet his own.
'I needed to know it was really you. I've dreamt this so many times' Ryan said, his hand falling across Colin's chest, feeling his heart beat.
'I'm sorry, Ry. I'm sorry I left. It was just-'
Ryan shook his head, stopping Colin's words, words that no longer mattered, not now.
'I'm sorry I didn't go after you'
Colin smiled, stepping closer and placing Ryan's arms around him, feeling once more what he thought he had lost forever.
'But you're here now' Ryan mumbled, his hot breath ghosting past Colin's temples.
'Yes I'm here now' Colin nodded against his neck.
'Now and forever'.