Just One More Drink, Just One More Cigarette
Title:Just One More Drink, Just One More Cigarette
Author: Vanillasky
Pairing: Colin/Ryan
Rating:
Wordcount:
"Well it all seems the same when you've done it before/ There's no difference in the style/ There's no end in sight or my own front door/ I'll be a stay-at-home for a while/ So I'll have another drink and a cigarette/ Just to console myself some how/ It's not too bad if you can forget/ I've just got to find a way somehow"
I sit and wonder if he’ll ever be mine. I take a sip from my harsh glass of wine, it’s staring at me – daring me to take another gulp, and I surrender, because that’s all I ever do. It’s not too bad if I can forget for a little while.
And suddenly he’s here, as if by magic. He’s floating in my presence as I’m floating on air. He’s touching every part of me, making me feel whole again. Everyday is so empty until he walks into my life. Then walks out again; as if he wasn’t even here.
But it’s our secret, it’s our lie. We chose this and we can end this. But I can’t live without him and he knows this too well. As his hands are searching my back his lips are kissing mine with hunger and desire. And once again he’s gone, as quickly as he was here.
I light another cigarette as I sink into my world of loneliness and realize there’s still a little bit of his face I haven’t kissed. Still a little bit of his body I haven’t claimed as mine. But the growing truth is he will never be mine. He never was.
My drunken nights are filled with jealously as I know he’s in bed right now, arms wrapped tightly around the woman he gave himself to all those years ago. And all I can do is cry. We vowed never to split up his happy home and I foolishly agreed to that. But it’s times like this when I wish I had of just dropped everything and ran away with him.
I pour myself yet another glass of wine as I think of all the ways he makes me glow. Inside and out. A smile plays across my drunken features and I can feel my liver can’t take much more and my lungs are collapsing from the nicotine. But I couldn’t give a damn.
Because he is all I need. And I’m torturing myself because I can’t face the truth. I’m living in denial and I can’t be honest with myself. He is all I’ve ever wanted and I feel my heart break into tiny little pieces as I see them together. He kisses her lovingly and smiles into her eyes. God I wish he was mine. She doesn’t even realize how amazing he is. Or maybe she does and I’m just bitter with jealously for wanting something I can’t have.
But I do have him. I have him for a little while, like a weekend father sees his son or like a mother visits her son in prison. That’s the only time I get to feel his hips on mine, to feel the love in his eyes, to feel the river I’m drowning in when he kisses me and I just die. But then he’s gone. As always. Out of my life until the next stolen moment comes.
I’m sick of stolen moments. I’m sick of hiding. I want him here and now. I want to ravish him when and as I please. Day or night. I want to make love to him unexpectedly, I want kinky sex with him, I want hot hungry sex with him, I want sweet long sex with him, I want trips to see the world with him, I want to hold his hand and tell him how much I need him. God I want *everything* with him.
But it’s her who has of all that. Not me. Not anymore.
And as I finally finish my 3rd bottle of wine, I close my eyes and realize, all I’ll ever have with Ryan is nothing more than a lie. No-one knows about us. No-one knows the love I have in my aching heart for that beautiful man.
They built the titanic to be one of a kind but many ships have sailed across the ocean. They built the Eiffel tower to stand alone but I suppose they can build another if they please. The Taj Mahal, the pyramids of Egypt are unique, I suppose. But when they built you Ryan; they broke the mould.
And that is why I love him. So I’ll just have another drink and another cigarette because I know I can never have him. And if at least, for a little while, I can forget.