If You're Not The One
Title:If You’re Not The One
Author: Vanillasky
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating:
Wordcount:
"What?" Colin said through gritted teeth.
"Colin, I… I can’t make it any clearer. I just had to tell you the truth." Ryan said through his lips that were trembling uncontrollably.
"You… You claim to have these feelings Ryan but, it’s… it’s impossible. We’ve known each other for 20 years! You can’t just turn up one day and tell me something like that!"
"I know... I know" Ryan breathed heavily. "But it’s all true and I couldn’t keep it from you any longer. It’s killing me Col. You’re killing me."
Ryan waited longingly for an answer from his best friend. He realized maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all to tell him how he felt. But it was now or never.
"How long have you felt this way?" Colin asked the taller man who was stood in front of him, looking more vulnerable than ever. It didn’t even look like Ryan. He looked a lost little rabbit and his eyes were so full of sadness and hope he wondered if it actually was true.
"Forever." Ryan replied immeadiately, not needing to probe his brain for an answer. It just came naturally.
"I don’t want to feel this way, I have Pat and you have Deb. We have our own happy homes and the last thing I want is to destroy any of that. But, these feelings I have for you Colin… They won’t go away. No matter how hard I try. I’ve done everything. I’ve made every single particle inside my body focus on something else other than you but… I just can’t. I just… can’t."
Ryan sighed deeply and threw his head into his hands as he slowly fell to the floor knowing his weak legs would no longer hold him steady. Colin watched with his eyes as he realized his best friend was a wreck. He felt a sudden urge to hold him but he didn’t want to give Ryan the wrong idea. He felt uncomfortable now. All the intimate moments they had ever shared on Whose Line and in real life suddenly felt forbidden and he was scared.
"Aren’t you going to say something?" Ryan cried hopelessly as tears started to stream down his face.
"Ryan I… I don’t know what to say." Colin said awkwardly.
"I’m sorry… I shouldn’t be putting you in this position." And Ryan continued to repeat "I’m sorry" to Colin, not looking at him, but glancing around his helpless body that now sat slumped on the cold floor.
"Ryan, C’mere" Colin said softly, stepping slowly in Ryan’s direction and he unconsciously reached both his arms out to hug Ryan. Ryan lifted his heavy head and his face was blotchy and tears had stained his eyes so they were now a lush red. He had a look of bewilderment on his face. And hope filled his whole body.
It’s just a hug you idiot.
Don’t make it anything more.
He’s your friend.
You’re best friend.
Deal with it.
Ryan’s inner thoughts told himself as he fell into Colin’s embrace like a newborn baby to it’s mother. Suddenly, Colin’s brain started to reveal something… something he wasn’t expecting.
Oh Ryan.
My friend,
my best friend.
My partner, my…. My… love?
Shut up you fool.
You don’t feel that way.
You don’t love him.
Okay you do love him, but not in that way.
You already made it clear that his revelation today was a mistake more or less.
So what the hell are you playing at thinking such absurd thoughts?
Get a grip Mochrie!
You have Deb…
You have Deb…
Don’t ever forget that.
But she’s not Ryan…
"Colin, let me explain this. I need…" Ryan stopped breathlessly as he saw Colin was going to stop him from saying anything, but Ryan reached his hand out to silence him. Before catching his breath and speaking softly again.
"I need to do this. Please, let me tell you everything."
Colin nodded his head and let him begin.
"At night, when I’m lying in bed with Pat. We curl up together and we are so close that there is no space between us. It should feel right but… it just feels like she’s a friend. A close friend but still… just a friend. I don’t feel the burning love that I once did for her. The spark isn’t there anymore, the fire is gone and my heart has, it’s moved on to someone else. Someone who completes me in ways that I knew existed." He stopped shortly, checking Colin’s reaction to make sure this wasn’t too much for him. He realized it was okay and he continued once more.
"Every way I try to explain this, it’s never going to sound right or correct. So let me just say this…
If you’re not the one for me Col, why does my heart reach out to you?
If we aren’t meant for each other then why do I feel like something’s missing inside of me when you’re not here? My hand, it shakes. It shakes most days and the only time it steadies is when you touch me. I feel whole when we’re together. I feel like I’ve finally found my place in life. Everyone deserves love, true love, and I only ever want to experience that with you… if you’ll let me."
As Ryan spoke those last four words he stroked Colin’s cheek with his fingers ever so softly and smiled a smile that told Colin how much love and passion was behind this brutally honest man. Suddenly Ryan leaned in for a kiss, Colin didn’t know what to do. There were no cameras around, no crew, no "Buzz" from the big guy behind the desk… This was real. And surprisingly, Colin was responding.
Their lips connected in a slow sweet gentle, kiss. A tear ran down Ryan’s cheek and he swapped his hand from Colin’s back to his neck and pulled him in closely. The kiss esculated but in the slowest way. This was sensual and loving, it was filled with desire and clarity. Their heads moved in unison and their rhythm was soft and gentle as their tongues danced over each other’s palette and soft small groans were coming from both men.
Suddenly, Colin broke the kiss. He didn’t really know why, he actually thought he was enjoying it. But he sat there with a look Ryan couldn’t read. Ryan knew this and he didn’t ask his friend anything. He didn’t question the look or what had just happened. Ryan just pulled him closer again, and they stayed like that until they felt ready to move.
This had been a night of revelation and honesty. Nothing more needed to be said and the two men clung to each other, in complete silence. A safe silence. A silence that didn’t need to be broken