Despite

Title: Despite

Author: liketostopthen
Pairing: Ryan/Colin of course! :D
Rating: Eh, nothing more than a PG15, probably even less actually.
Summary: Colin POV. "Despite what everyone thought, we weren't together."
Notes: Huge huge thanks to Lucy who beta-ed this for me. If it wasn't for her help and her kind words this fic would've stayed hidden forever on my hard-drive.
Feedback would be excellently amazing, whatever you have to say about this! :) - Despite what everyone thought, we weren't together.

"No, Ryan and Colin are not a couple" Drew giggled theatrically but anyone who knew him could tell the laughter was real. He never was good at keeping a straight face on the show.

The line was said for laughs, but it was true, we did get a lot of questions about us from fans. We just shrugged it off; comfortable enough in our friendship with each other to not think anything off it. Drew's outright comment on the show was the first time we did anything to dispel the rumours, and even then, Ryan couldn’t quite leave it at that. I honestly couldn't either. I was ready too, pointing at my wedding ring and smiling. Ryan next to me though was fully in the act, acting nervously and pointing unsurely to his own ring. I caught on and instead of giving him a strange look like I should have, I joined in and we shared a look that was ready made to make anyone who saw it think we were having a secret affair.

In the next game, Ryan still couldn't leave it alone, but by then we were 'Ry and Col' and it was even easier for me to play it up and pretend that yes, in fact, we were together. It wasn't any wonder people got the wrong idea.

- Despite what Ryan said, Pat really wasn't okay with it.

"Ryan's wife is okay with it, how come yours isn't?" Drew joked, noticing my discomfort.

"She encourages me to lick your head," Ryan smirked and pulled at his wedding ring. "This can come off in a second."

I shook my head wondering how much trouble he'd get in for that comment. Drew, however jokingly he spoke, was wrong. Deb really didn't mind what went on on the show. She was in the business and she knew it was just acting, plus she liked Ryan, he was the one to introduce us after all. Pat was different though. They wouldn't fight about it, but it was clear she didn't like it. I always got the impression she preferred it when Ryan was around his other friends, when he'd drink, smoke and interrupt (Brad likes to listen, I don't) and play poker. I guess I couldn't blame her for finding that easier to deal with than watching him happily, willingly kiss another man, even if it was for comedic reasons.

Although he was well aware of Pat's feelings, it didn't stop Ryan pushing the limits constantly. I always wondered if he'd do it on purpose, just to press her buttons. I always tried to hold back for her sake, but that just spurred Ryan on and in the end I couldn't stop myself from joining in, fuelling the rumours just as much as he did.

It became a sort of game between us, how far we could go. We played many little games on the show, keeping things lively between us. We often threw insults back and forth, which the audience loved. But they loved it even more when we played the 'couple' card. Comments made the audience go wild and kisses made them scream. They loved it. We could never understand why but we didn't think too much about it. You don't over think improv, you just let it happen, and that's what we did.

The times I would think about it, I would come to the conclusion that I loved it as much as the audience did. But that was a revelation best kept to myself. - Despite what it seemed, our friendship never crossed a line on the show.

What happened on the show was always just 'comedy', always work. We'd have fun with it, we all had fun whilst filming, but nothing really happened that made us uncomfortable or question the friendship.

"I want to give 1000 points to Mrs Stiles and Mrs Mochrie, who might want to have a nice long talk with their husbands after the show." There were moments it was close, the one where Ryan was the damn snake comes to mind. We had been pushing each other then, daring the other to carry on, willing the other to give in and look away first. It was slightly different from normal though, a weird tension had settled and for a brief moment, I thought something more was going to happen, that one of us would snap.

Drew had pressed the buzzer but we were oblivious, both too lost in the game, too lost in each other to notice. A second after though and Ryan gave in, pulling away with a muttered 'oh my god' and I couldn't stop the grin that came. We both shook away the tension and any weird feelings dissolved into laughter. Drew and Greg made jokes about us and then it was back to normal.

Those times were rare and they only lasted a second. After working together so long, we were comfortable enough with any innuendo or stage kisses. It was off-screen that things became a bit more complicated.

- Despite what we'd tell people, we never really got that drunk together.

When we filming for the show, we would all go out for a couple of drinks, which would quickly turn into a lot of drinks. The jokes would still flow as if we were on stage but they'd get rougher and cruder and we would lose the ability to hold our laughter back.

Ryan and I wouldn't spend as much time together there as we did on stage. On the show we often got separated from the others, always paired together, so after the show we'd spend more time chatting to the other guys than we would each other. I'd sit near Wayne or Brad, Ryan with Drew or Greg and we were happy with that. But once everyone was sufficiently drunk, we seemed to gravitate nearer to each other. When the gatherings ended up at Drew's place, like they so often did, Drew would always suggest we play some of the games from the show. The games were less sophisticated than on the show, we'd act out random scenes, play freeze tag or questions but all would usually revolve around the dirtiest of thoughts. Without censors and with alcohol involved the games would get a bit wilder.

It was then that things did get that slight bit more complicated. That all the rumours that we'd laugh about became something more than rumours. It started with a game of freeze tag, where Ryan stepped in when Brad and I had been close after an 'argument', our noses nearly touching. He'd taken Brad's place and kissed me. However, the kiss wasn't a stage kiss. He pressed into me hard, his tongue slipping between my lips as I gripped the front of his shirt. The sound of Drew collapsing into laughter pulled us apart and Ryan grinned, laughing himself. I did the same and we later would blame it on the alcohol. It started to happen more often, always under the guise of improv games and alcohol.

The others believed that it was just the alcohol, and after a while, I started too as well. But we never drunk that much.

- Despite it being hard to believe, we really didn't speak outside the show.

I often joked that Ryan never called me back, which was true. However, I wouldn't call him either. We had the sort of friendship that we didn't need to be in touch constantly, to know the other was there. I knew that Ryan would be there if I needed him, and I would hope he felt the same about me.

We could go forever without seeing each other and still pick up where we left off, that was the wonder of our friendship.

However, there was slightly more to it than that. The more time we spent together on the show, the more time we spent at the after show parties, the more kisses we shared on and off screen, the more I became afraid of where it could lead. It didn't separate us, our friendship was as strong as ever, and that was the scariest part. If we could kiss so easily, passionate kisses that were filled with the promise of something more, that left us both breathless and wanting, and still be completely comfortable together, even if we did blame it on alcohol, then what would happen if one day Drew or Brad or Greg weren't around.

It was best if we didn't find out, so sometimes it was best to not see each other as much as maybe we'd like.

- Despite still having amazing chemistry on stage, apparently, we really hadn't seen each other for three years when Ryan showed up in Vancouver. I hadn't known he was going to be there. Sat waiting as a make-up girl did who-knows-what to my face; I was lost in thought when an all too familiar face collapsed into the chair next to me. "How you doing, Col? Don't mind that I tagged along to your show do you?" He grinned at me, that smile that crinkles up his eyes and I wondered if I'd fallen asleep and this was some dream. When I realised it wasn't, I regained my composure quickly and shrugged nonchalantly "Guess not. It's not like it's up to me."

The show had been exhilarating. I did enjoy working with him; it was undeniably an amazing partnership and something that although I had got close to with others, there was nothing quite the same as working with Ryan.

After the show, we went for a few drinks together. Those few drinks turned into a few more and then before I knew it I was trapped against the wall of my hotel room, a strong hard body holding me in place and rubbing up against me. As my tongue found his and I caught myself moaning against his lips, I wondered briefly why he had come to Vancouver in the first place. - Despite what it may have seemed to anyone watching us leave the bar, we didn't have sex that night.

We were drunker than we had been in a long time, and what started as a catch up drink between best friends, had turned into a desperate need to be near one another and let loose feelings we'd hidden for thirty years.

But we were both still married, and however drunk we were, we wouldn't forget that. Kisses could be written off as drunken antics between friends, but if we went any further then we'd finally have to deal with the consequences. It was warped logic, but it was what led us to fall asleep on separate beds, both desperate to be near each other but knowing that we couldn't be.

In the morning we dealt with things like we always did. We didn't pretend nothing happened or act uncomfortable around each other. We laughed together and acted mock-disgusted, writing things off as too much alcohol, yet sharing a smile and a hug that always lingered a second too long before departing our separate ways.

And when, in a different hotel room, Brad stopped the television on an episode of Two and a Half Men as we were relaxing after a show, I managed not to think of anything as I watched Ryan kissing his co-star.

- Despite knowing each other for over thirty years, Ryan continued to surprise me.

When he'd showed up in Vancouver, I'd been suitably surprised. But when he showed up a year later at a show Brad and me were doing, surprise didn't even cover it. Especially as I only saw him mid-show, stood in the aisle to the left of the stage. I carried on, wondering if I was imagining things, until I found him in my dressing room after the show had finished.

"Good show out there." He said, relaxing in my chair, his huge feet propped up on the dressing table.

"Thanks. You should've come closer to the stage; I could've picked you to participate." I told him, happy to pretend it was completely normal for him to be there.

"Just felt like watching this time." I shrugged and let myself relax into the sofa that was against the opposite wall. After some menial small talk, I asked, "So what brings you here, Ry?" He paused briefly and for the first time I'd known him, he actually looked nervous.

"You." - Despite however much you love someone, it doesn't necessarily mean you belong together.

It was an unspoken rule that kept Ryan and I apart all those years. We couldn't deny that there was something a little more there than a friendship and we never really did. But we stuck by the thought that it didn't mean we belonged together. We were happy being best friends.

Yet sometimes, a rule you use for one person, can work equally as well for someone else. And however much I loved my wife and Ryan loved his, that didn't necessary mean we belonged that way.

When Ryan had come to see me after that show, he'd opened the barriers we'd both built long before. And once they were open, we couldn't close them again. We talked things through and acted very adult and sensible about it all. Until Ryan's hand had brushed mine and once again those lips were on mine and this time it wasn't alcohol clouding my mind, it was the taste of him. - Despite what everyone thought, we weren't together. We are now.