WLiiA Love's Fan Fiction Archive

Carousel

Title: Carousel

Author: Liketostopthen
Rating: 17+ (It's not actually that graphic. But I figure I should be safe.)
Pairing: Ryan/Colin (With hints of Greg/Jeff and slight Greg/Ryan, but both not the main focus.)
A/N: Colin's POV. It's going to flashback and flashfoward so I hope you can keep up. :). I'm going to be vague because I don't know how to summarise so maybe just give it a try!

I will love you forever if you give me feedback (whatever you have to say!). Special thanks to Lucy - who I love because she is a wonderful beta! :) - Prologue. Vancouver - 1978

How long is the correct time to wait for a date to show up?

I wandered along the pavement, head down, and cool air blowing my scarf backwards, as I pondered the answer to that question.

I'd already decided that the answer was definitely less than an hour, which was how long I'd sat in the restaurant alone, watching the other couples laugh together as they ordered their meals and shared stories.

As I had sat there, sipping my one drink and ignoring the pitying looks I was getting, I'd checked the time, date and restaurant name over and over, staring at the post-it note with my scribbled handwriting on and wondering for the hundredth time if I'd written it down wrong.

Not pausing in my stroll, I now pulled it from my pocket once more, staring down at the blue ink. It glared back at me, sharp and clear and taunting me, the name of the restaurant burnt into my mind from reading the menu, the coasters and the signs as I sat and waited.

Sighing, I screwed up the paper tightly and dropped it in a trash can as I passed, continuing my walk down the moonlit streets.

I wasn't sure where I was heading, and I didn't mind where I ended up, as long as it wasn't my empty studio apartment.

My feet decided for me it seemed, because I quickly found myself stood outside a familiar theatre. Crowds were congregating around the entrance, more happy couples, boasting about their love.

I ignored them, following instead familiar steps around the outside and towards the restaurant. The route etched into my mind, despite having only been there a handful of times.

When I reached my destination, I eyed the doormen. I knew the show had already started, but I still didn't have a ticket. I turned on my charm and managed to persuade them to let me in without one, likely only because everyone else was inside already, and I'd missed half the show. I didn't mind though. I hadn't come to watch the sets.

Pushing the door open slowly, I made my way down the dark stairs, smoke and laughter filtering up from the crowded room below.

Everyone's eyes were fixed on the stage and I managed to manoeuvre around without much trouble, buying a drink and finding a secluded spot near the side. I settled into the worn brown seat, obviously empty due to the less than desirable view of the stage, and let the laughter of the crowd and the familiar voice on stage wash over me and calm me.

Different acts came and went and I lost my focus and began to grow bored. I played with the condensation that had formed on the side of my glass, tracing swirling patterns through it with my fingers.

Then someone sat down next to me, placing three glasses of scotch on the table, one already half-empty. He slid the chair closer to mine and nudged me with his shoulder.

"Thought you had a date." He asked, raising an eyebrow, and I sighed in response.

"The current theory is that she was carried away by a group of flying monkeys." I said in reply, downing the rest of my drink and turning to make eye contact with the man I'd come to see.

Ryan pushed one of the glasses of scotch over to me.

"I see." He shrugged half-heartedly. "Her loss."

He had collapsed in his chair, completely relaxed and worn from his performance, but his eyes still sparkled from the rush of the show. I downed the drink in one, smiling at Ryan, but not feeling much better.

He must've noticed the feelings behind my smile, because he moved so he was even closer to me, shuffling his chair along next to mine, trying to convey comfort in the contact. I leaned into him, happily taking it.

"I told you to stop accepting blind dates from Jim. He obviously has poor taste in women if they can't even make it to a restaurant on time. You should let me find you someone."

The glint in his eye was enough to make me disregard the offer before he'd finished saying it, but I was worried about how desperate I was in that I actually wanted to consider.

"I've seen the women you take home." I told him, a smirk tinting my lips now. "They don't stick around much either."

"They stay for long enough." Ryan said, smirking himself. It seemed to work for him, I knew, but I wasn't quite convinced.

A brief comfortable silence took over, and then Ryan asked what I'd thought of the show. I smiled at him.

-

We talked until the club closed, discussing anything and everything, not even stopping when we were ushered out of the club. We both staggered away, walking through the streets of Vancouver together, laughing over something that we'd forgotten long ago.

"We should've picked up some girls in there. I don't want to go home alone." Ryan muttered, his shoulder bumping mine as we walked. We were both swaying slightly, and I kept tripping over his feet. He always caught me though.

"Oh I know! Why don't you come back to mine?"

"Why Ryan, are you propositioning me?" I joked, laughing at myself before Ryan did, the alcohol buzzing through my system. I leant over to him, speaking as if I was sharing a secret. "Is that why you got me drunk?"

Ryan leant back into me, whispering back. "I thought the four bottles of scotch got you drunk. Not me." He giggled, and so did I and I had to agree he had a point.

We reached the junction where I should have turned and made my way to my own apartment, but instead, Ryan grabbed my arm and pulled me towards his place.
I leant into him as he tried to get into his place, giggling to myself. After three tries, he managed to get his door unlocked, and so we both stumbled up the stairs, probably waking everyone in the apartment block.

"Shhh." I told Ryan, trying but failing to keep my voice quiet.

Ryan just laughed, fiddling with the other door lock, this time taking four tries. When he unlocked it with a triumphant "Ah ha!" he grinned at me and pulled me inside.

We collapsed onto Ryan's old worn couch, tangled together, not even bothering with a light, and sat in silence for a few moments.

I found myself dozing in and out of consciousness, and Ryan's apartment blurred around me, seeming foreign. "Why am I here again?" I asked him, as I suddenly realised I wasn't in my own home.

Ryan shrugged, staring at me with unfocused eyes, before considering. "'Cause I'm drunk and lonely?" He offered.

"Please." I scoffed. "You aren't exactly lonely."

I couldn't help thinking of the many girls Ryan would take home, draped off his arm as he left the comedy club each night.

"I haven't had a date show up for months." I had come to the realisation that maybe they all just saw me and left, and I couldn't help but wonder if I was really that repulsive.

"Sure I am. I have no one and it's been at least two weeks since I've had sex." He said, as if it was a lifetime, and he pouted, his bottom lip stuck out. "I hate being single."

Two weeks seemed like nothing to me.

"I still win. I've been single longer than you."

I wasn't sure what I'd won, and for a moment I looked around Ryan's apartment, as if the answer would be somewhere there. I didn’t see anything worth having.

Whilst I was looking around, some idea had obviously come to Ryan though, and without realising what was happening, I found myself clumsily pushed down so I was stretched out on the sofa, my legs pushed together as Ryan's knees settled either side of me and strong hands held my shoulders down.

As the room slowly came back into focus I briefly registered Ryan's face above mine before I felt soft lips on my own, pressing down hard.

Ryan pulled back just as I realised what was happening and I found myself staring into Ryan's sparkling green eyes.

"Wh...What was that about?" I asked, my head spinning as I wondered if I had been hallucinating. The firm body covering me though, definitely felt real.

"Wondered what it was like. It's different to kissing a girl." He licked his lips, as if he could still taste me there. "Not bad."

His alcohol induced innocence seemed to be contagious but a small part of my brain wondered if this was a good idea. The dominant part though, was drunk and horny and adoring the feel of Ryan on top of me. I had already decided I wouldn't... couldn't say no to more.

"That wasn't much of a kiss though." I muttered, leaning up to kiss him again, this time reaching around to grip the back of his neck, parting his lips and slipping my tongue inside. I deepened the kiss, frantically exploring the inside of Ryan's mouth with my tongue, tasting alcohol and smoke. Our noses bumped together, and it was messy and clumsy, but passionate and forceful and I lost myself in the feel of him. He moaned into my mouth and began to rub himself down onto me, seeking friction.

I grinded back up into him, suddenly desperate for more. I pushed him up, moving with him and not once breaking the kiss, as I fumbled with the buttons of his shirt. He was suddenly wearing too many clothes, I wanted to feel his skin, but I only managed to get two buttons open before I gave up, slipping my hands underneath instead and feeling his muscles twitch beneath my fingertips.

Ryan pulled away from the kiss to breathe, staring into my eyes with lust.
Breathing heavily, he awkwardly manoeuvred us off the couch, pulling me up and almost dragging me to his bedroom.

"Let’s see what else is different." He murmured as he pushed me onto the bed. I let him, falling backwards with a thump.

I had somehow managed to get my own shirt off in the gap, and so Ryan slipped his off too, before straddling me. He fiddled with my belt, taking far too long to undo it, all the while kissing me again until we were both breathless and wanting.

When we managed to get our jeans off, tripping and falling over each other in the process, I found myself on top of Ryan. I planted wet open-mouthed kisses across his skin, teasing him and tasting him and slipping my hand down to feel him, hard beneath my fingertips. I explored, stroking and rubbing, revelling in the sound of Ryan moaning beneath me.

My breath caught in my throat and I paused when I felt Ryan's hands on me. Gasping, I couldn't stop myself thrusting into him, my whole body desperate for more.

We grinded together, skin on skin, hands and mouths exploring each other messily. I tasted and touched him, and then I pulled away from his grip and moved downwards, my lips surrounding his erection. I licked and teased him to release, my hands running all over his silky skin. His fingertips gripped my shoulder as he came, sure to leave bruises.

It should have felt weird or uncomfortable but it didn't, it felt natural and I felt more relaxed with him than I ever had with any of the women I'd dated.

When he reversed our positions, I stopped thinking, my whole body focused wholly on the feel of his mouth around me. I squeezed my eyes shut, panting heavily as he sucked and licked at me and it didn't take long before I felt myself come into his mouth, watching him as he swallowed hard.

He moved to kiss me again, slow and languorous and the taste of him on my lips mingled with the taste of me on his. I swirled my tongue around his mouth, drawing out the kiss, before pulling away, collapsing on his bed, breathless and sated.

-

I woke to a hard body pressed against my back, hot skin, warm and sticky touching every inch, and strong arms circling me.

It took a few moments before the memories of the night before came crashing back to me, along with a blinding headache. I groaned, closing my eyes again and reaching up to rub my forehead. I needed painkillers, and soon.

I forced myself to pull away from the arms surrounding me, registering somewhere in my mind that I was still completely nude, and fought off the nausea as the room spun around me from my fast movement.

Blinking hard, I finally turned to look at my companion. Our sheets were tangled on the floor, and so Ryan laid, his whole body fully visible and completely relaxed. He was still asleep, which was good because I could barely think, let alone face him yet.

I scanned the room for the clock, eyeing warily the piles of our clothes that littered the floor.

Green numbers blinked at me, informing me that it was almost lunch time and I took a deep breath as I wondered if I could make it to the bathroom without falling over, hoping to god that Ryan owned aspirin.

Spotting my shorts on the chair, I pulled them on, stumbling, and made my way to the bathroom, forcing myself not to think about anything, especially the dull ache through my body and the shine of saliva on my skin.

I then wandered blankly into the kitchen, moving around in a daze, not really processing my movements.

As I walked back into the room, I noticed Ryan was stirring. I sat back on the bed, leaning against the headboard and closing my eyes, trying to let the painkillers do their job.

I heard Ryan moan beside me and I blinked open one eye, forcing myself not to think of the way he'd moaned beneath me last night.

"Here." I said quietly, holding out the extra glass of water I'd bought, and two white tablets.

Ryan startled at my voice, eyes snapping up in shock and confusion. I opened my other eye and stared at him and I could practically see the memories flood back to him.

He took the tablets after a pause, swallowing them quickly with a sip of the water. "Thanks." He muttered, voice croaky and lips swollen.

I just nodded in response, the movement small so not to aggravate my head more, then closed my eyes again as the room began to swirl around me.
We sat in silence for a moment and I could feel his eyes on me. When I didn't open mine, I heard him get up and disappear into the bathroom.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there, drifting in and out of thought, but when I opened my eyes again, Ryan was in front of me, dressed, his blonde-brown curls dripping wet from the shower and his eyes blank. "There's spare towels in the bathroom," was all he said.

Once I was clean, yet dressed in my clothes from the day before, I hesitated, before sitting next to Ryan on the couch. We didn't speak for a while, and I couldn't help wondering if this was it. If we'd ruined our friendship for good.

Until Ryan suddenly coughed out a laugh.

"What are we doing?" He said, a smile playing on his lips. Then he grabbed my hand, seemingly breaking a no-touching rule we had unconsciously put in place that morning and pulled me up again. I tried not to think of how Ryan had pulled me into the bedroom in the same way.

"Let’s go get some breakfast. I'm suddenly starving." Ryan said, grabbing his keys.

"Wonder why." I muttered sarcastically, not even realising I'd spoke allowed until Ryan laughed again. I looked up at him, panicked at first, and then broke into a grin myself. Suddenly any weird feelings seemed to disappear and I realised that maybe our friendship would be all right in the end. - Part One.

Present Time, 2007

Two comedians walk into a bar... stop me if you've heard this one.

All eyes seemed to radiate towards them as they entered, and despite the fact that only ten per cent of the people in the bar probably knew who they were, it didn't stop others looking their way. They didn't exactly blend in to the crowd and it was hard not to notice them.

They were laughing together, oblivious to anyone else, as they headed straight for the bar, cigarettes and twenty-dollar bills in their hands. The barman moved to serve them immediately, obviously having some clue of the talent - or at least the money - that had just entered. They ordered two drinks each, whiskey most likely and tried their best to disappear into one corner of the bar.

The energy crackled around them and they were clearly wired from what must have been a recent gig.

I recognised them immediately, despite my position on the other side of the room. I watched them both as they smiled at each other and scanned the room for a table.

My eyes crossed when Brad's fingers were suddenly waving in my face, and I snapped my eyes away and back to him.

"Earth to Colin," he muttered to me. "Want to let me tag along to wherever it is you've disappeared to?"

He was grinning at me, and with his back to the door, he hadn't seen what I had.

"Sorry, thought I saw someone." I shook my head, wondering briefly, almost hoping even, that maybe I'd imagined it, and Greg and Ryan hadn't just walked into the same bar as us.

"Who?" Brad asked, not willing to give up that easy and looking over his shoulder, scanning the room. I found myself holding my breath, waiting to see if he saw them too, half wishing that he wouldn't.

When he couldn't find anyone, I breathed out a sigh of almost relief and shrugged.

"Forget it; I'm obviously more drunk than I thought I was. Maybe this should be the last."

We'd been having a quiet drink together on our night off. It was a nice way to relax on a rare day where we weren't travelling or performing and we did it as often as we could. It was even better in town's like this one where no one really knew us that well, not enough to hassle us.

I realised our quiet drink wasn't going to stay quiet much longer though, when I saw Brad scanning the bar again. His eyes paused on the far corner and I followed his eye line seeing Greg and Ryan again. I swallowed hard, my throat feeling dry.

"Is that...?" Brad asked me, squinting through the darkness and smoke.

"Looks like it." I replied, sighing. I saw Brad's growing smile and I knew now that we would of course go and meet our old friends. I was already dreading it. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy their company, and there was a part of me that was dancing inside at the thought of being able to spend time with them both again, but the other part of me was hoping I could hide forever from the confrontation that was about to take place. Sometimes things were simpler if left how they were.

"What are they doing here? I didn't know they had a show in the area. C'mon, let’s sneak up on them."

Brad had grabbed my arm before I had a chance to protest and I was dragged across the room. He began manoeuvring us around, concentrating hard on keeping us from their view, and he was too distracted to notice my obvious reluctance.

I chanced another look over to them as we moved. They had found a table in the corner, close to the bar, and sat together and speaking in quiet voices. Greg was dressed in his usual attire, his blue tie loosened around his neck, and he was breathing out perfect smoke circles as he smirked at Ryan, clearly involved in whatever story he were being told.

I spared a glance at Ryan, noticing every slight change in him since I'd seen him last. His hair was a little different and he looked a little older, a little more tired, but he was clearly happy, cigarette dangling by the side of his glass of scotch, his other hand gesturing wildly as he told his story. I felt my chest constrict at the sight of him, and my heartbeat speed up.

Brad tugged on my arm, pulling me from my thoughts and I could see he was trying to think of some elaborate way to sneak up on them.

"How about we just go sit with them?" I asked him, trying for something simple. I wasn't really in the mood for theatrics now.

He shrugged and he must not have come up with anything better, so we headed over to the table. Brad reached Greg first, as I slowed my steps, and he adopted a feminine voice and leaned in close to his ear. I heard him whisper "These seat's taken boys?" and then it only took a second before Greg and Ryan were looking our way, smiling at us. I focused on anything but Ryan.

Greg pulled me into a friendly hug and a handshake, and I watched out the corner of my eye as Brad and Ryan did the same. Then, Brad hugged Greg and I should have hugged Ryan but we both paused, looking at each other. I realised I was trembling and we stared at each other, neither sure what to do. Brad and Greg had finished their greeting and I knew they were looking at us expectantly.

I couldn't move. I just stared at him. My thoughts were moving a mile a minute and I really didn't know what to say.

I realised Ryan was looking for a reaction, something to tell him what I was thinking and I just knew he must be as confused as I was. More even. This awkwardness was my fault, after all.

After another moment of us staring at each other and Greg and Brad pretending they weren't staring at us, Ryan finally sighed and pulled me into a quick hug. His arms lingered for only a second before he pulled away. My body ached at the feel of him there and I wanted to hug him properly, but I didn't. I smiled a fake stage smile and then nodded in greeting.

"Colin." He said, his voice betraying nothing of how he was feeling and I found myself responding in the same way.

We shook off the uncomfortable feelings as much as we could, and then we all gathered around the table. I sat as far from Ryan as possible, which unfortunately meant I ended up opposite him.

Jeff arrived at some point, and the hugs and greetings were repeated and then small talk ensued as we discussed tours and why were we there and other more inconsequential things.

As the others talked, I stole glances at Ryan. He was pretending not to look at me, but every so often, I'd catch his eye. When I did, we'd both look away quickly, giving identical 'everything’s normal and okay' smiles. But things really weren't normal and they definitely weren't ok.

-

"So how how’s the tour going?" Jeff, asked us.

Brad was always happy to rave about our shows so I let him, smiling and adding only the odd bit of input. I couldn’t stop my eyes drifting to Ryan's across the table, and each time I did, he'd be looking away. It would seem to anyone else that his attention was on Brad, but I could see his mind was elsewhere. His leg was twitching nervously, something he would rarely do when he was supposedly relaxing, and his eyes kept flitting around.

He'd not said anything to me since our short greeting; barely spoke at all, except the occasional comment to Brad. Completely different to what I'd seen before I'd arrived when he'd been talking animatedly with Greg.

I found myself wishing that I'd skipped the drink with Brad tonight and just gone straight to my hotel room.

I looked over to Ryan again, my eyes taking him in. He looked different yet exactly the same to how I remembered him, when I’d left him alone in a hotel room two years previous.

Wishing it hadn't come to this, I thought about saying something to him, anything really, just reach out and make a move forward. I couldn't though. Instead, I turned away from him again, back to Brad, as I added something to his story about our tour, joking and not looking at Ryan again.

-

I watched them as they shot the balls around the table, laughing at each other and giggling together like teenage girls. I knew why they were playing, Greg and Brad and Jeff. They all sucked at pool and you couldn’t play with three but they thought they were doing us a favour. They figured if we spent some time alone together we'd be able to figure things out and there wouldn't be this awful tension that had settled around us both.

Unfortunately, this wasn't something that was going to be fixed quite that easy. I dared a look over at Ryan, wondering how I let him get this far away.

He was staring into his drink, swirling it around in the glass. He wouldn't look at me now.

"So, are we fighting?" Ryan asked me suddenly, his voice sounding loud to me, even through the chatter of the other people in the bar. His voice was curious, maybe a little higher than it usually was and he asked as if he honestly didn't know the answer. Which maybe he didn't.

I wasn't sure I knew either.

I half shrugged, not sure what else to do. "No, we're not fighting." I told him, which might have been a lie. But fights involved loud words and topics of disagreement. This had neither. Instead, there was awkward silences and avoidance.

"Why are you weird then?" He wasn't just talking about now, and there was a hint of accusation in his voice, which I ignored.

"I'm not." It was a lie, I knew. But I couldn't admit the truth because that would lead to thinking about why I was weird. Which I couldn't face right now.

"Right." Ryan said, clearly unconvinced, which wasn't surprising because I wasn't convinced either. "I need another drink." He said, the words a sigh, and he moved to the bar, without sparing me another glance. I watched him leave and saw Jeff follow after him, the others obviously realising their plan wasn't working.

When Brad and Greg came over, I played nice for a while, and then begged off with a headache promising to catch up with them tomorrow. We were in the same hotel after all, a fact I wished wasn't true.

I said my goodbyes, pausing when I looked to Ryan. He spared me a small smile that didn't reach his eyes and I did the same back, turning quickly and almost running from the room.

- Part Two. London – 1992

"You do fine. Better than fine. When are you going to realise how talented you are?"

I looked down as he spoke, not able to take the compliment. We sat together in his apartment after a day of meetings and order run-throughs for the show.

I fiddled with the torn throw that was covering his couch, playing with the frayed edges and not looking at him.

"Not at this. The only reason I don't bomb is because you carry me." I told him, and it was true.

On my first show, I'd been awful. He had got me the second chance and he'd carried me through the whole taping. He was still carrying me. He was the only reason I was still working, and not back in Canada with Deb, selling more of our possessions just to get by.

"I don't carry you. We just work well together. Once you get to know the others though you'll enjoy it just as much with them. You'll see." He sounded so confident in me, and I wished I had that confidence too.

I bit my lip, my hands twisting together. I wasn't settled in London yet, I was missing my home and missing Deb. I felt lost in my apartment all alone and I wasn't sure I was really cut out for television. The only time I felt at ease was when I was with Ryan, and he’d done enough for me that I didn’t want to rely on him so much.

"I guess." I told him, completely unconvinced.

Ryan slid off the couch and sat next to me on the floor, mirroring my pose, leaning against the front of the couch, legs stretched out in front of us.

He nudged my shoulder with his. "Relax for a bit. Enjoy our free time together."

I gave him a forced smile and looked down. My performances on the show were worrying me, and I knew Ryan was fighting to keep me there. I knew I should be letting go but I couldn't.

"You keep acting like this I'll start to think you don't love me any more." Ryan said, acting mock annoyed with me.

I couldn't hide a grin and my playful side decided to come out of hiding.

"Ha. When did I say I did?" I smiled at him.

Ryan stuck out his lower lip, his best attempt at a pout. "Admit it. You love me."

I put my finger and thumb up about an inch apart. "Maybe a little."

"Knew it."

Ryan shoved me playfully and I didn't bother to catch myself as I fell sideways onto the floor. I stayed lying down, pulling myself up and around so I was on my back, completely horizontal, with my toes touching his legs.

After a pause, I spoke.

"Can I stay here tonight?" I asked him, staring up at the ceiling. My voice was quiet, shy even, and I hoped to god that he wouldn't ask me why.

"Now, I know you love me and all but I don't think we should..." I kicked Ryan's legs gently but he just laughed.

"I don't want to go back to my apartment alone."

I told him quietly, the truth spilling out anyway, because I couldn't hide it from him. I waited for him to tease me, but because he was Ryan and he knew enough about me, he didn't.

"Then don't. I told you that you could live here anyway." He reminded me, and it was true, he had told me when I moved over to stay at his.

I had declined, politely, because I'd wanted to do something on my own. He had already got me the job; I could get myself my own place at least.

"Now who's the one in love? Wanting to move in with me? But Ryan it's so soon."

I faked a very bad female voice, moving my hand to my heart and fluttering my eyelashes even though he couldn't see me properly.

"Well I just can't resist your charms." He said back, his voice deep but joking. He shuffled around, moving until he was lying next to me on the floor, both of us ignoring his perfectly fine furniture.

"Many can't. It's understandable of course." I told him, wishing I actually believed the words I was joking about.

"Of course." Ryan agreed, sounding much more convinced than I was, as always.

"Thanks." I said quietly, wishing I could explain how grateful I was to him, for not teasing me about wanting to stay, for getting me this job, for being the best friend I could want. Getting all emotional, I realised that the alcohol we’d been drinking earlier might have gotten to me more than I thought.

Ryan smiled at me, and then stared at the ceiling, his fingers drumming an imaginary song on the floor. "You missing home?"

"A lot." I told him instinctively, and then stopped to think about it.

"Mostly Deb. We've not been this far apart for this long since we got together. Forgot how lonely it was being 'single'."

He half smiled, before an unreadable expression came over his face.

"You miss Pat?" I asked him, tapping my fingers along with him, trying to match the beats.

"Of course." He replied, quickly. It might have been too quickly, but I shook at off as being an obvious question.

We sat in comfortable silence for a little while, and I was just content to be in his company.

Eventually Ryan rolled onto his side and stared at me, his face inches away, his body parallel to mine.

"Hey, Col?"

"Yeah?" I asked him, turning and mirroring his pose. I moved backwards a little, feeling too close to him when our noses almost touched and I could feel his breath on my skin.

"You know what might help you with the loneliness?"

His voice was low and it sounded like a come-on even to me, but I pretended it was a simple question because we'd not crossed that line ever since that one night in Vancouver, and I didn't want to risk anything. The atmosphere in the room changed and it didn't feel as easy-going and carefree any more.

"What?" I asked him, cursing my voice for sounding so nervous, and forcing myself not to react to the heat that was radiating from his body near mine.

I should have expected it, because it was obvious what was about to happen as he moved closer to me, his eyes dropping to my lips. Yet I still found myself surprised when he leaned close and kissed me.

It was slow and gentle, as if he expected me to pull away any second. When I didn't, leaning into the kiss, he pressed harder, slipping his tongue past my lips and opening my mouth to him.

The feel of the kiss made my body tremble and I moaned into his mouth, a mewing sound that didn’t even sound like me.

He moved closer, his leg hooking over mine and pulling me tight to his body.

He held onto me, his hand rubbing up and down my arm, then moving lower and gripping my hip.

Sliding us over so I was on my back again, he straddled me, his hands balanced by my head but his body resting on mine. He was dangerously close, touching every inch and he rubbed against me slowly.

I felt him hard, pressing into my own erection that I now realised I had. The feeling made me snap back to reality and I pulled my lips from his, breathless from just kissing, as I managed to croak out "What are we doing?"

"Just let go for a bit. It doesn't have to mean anything." He whispered against my lips, not moving away and holding me beneath him.

I wasn't sure if I could believe him but he sounded so sure and then he was kissing me again and I gave in. I didn't want to go back to my apartment alone and the feel of him was too sweet to resist.

I knew he'd done this with Greg. He'd let it slip one night, when he'd drunk too much and they had been exchanging flirtatious comments. They said it didn't mean anything, was just sex because they were away from home and it was better than cheating with a woman. At the time, I had been so taken aback that I hadn't thought about it too deeply, yet even then it hadn't made much sense to me.

But now he was on top of me, rubbing against me, slow and teasing, I realised that if this was what Greg had felt then I couldn't blame him for not resisting.

I gave in to Ryan, letting him grind into me and bucking my hips up to meet him. I couldn't help it. I could feel him above me, touching every inch of my body, and my mind flashed back to that one drunken night years before. I remembered the sound of his moans beneath me, and I suddenly wanted to make him sound like that again.

-

He was in the bathroom.

I had pulled my clothes back on haphazardly, not that I had taken them all off, and I sat on his couch awkwardly. What had we done? My mind was racing but my body just wanted to lie down and go to sleep, satisfied and lethargic.

I couldn't though, not like this. My back was stinging, friction burn from the carpet I assumed, and my mind was racing.

We'd done it before and things had been fine, but would it be all right again? Would we still be able to joke, tease each other, and act on stage together without it being awkward? I didn't want to ruin our on-stage chemistry and I definitely didn't want to ruin our friendship.

I sat thinking, trying to work out something to say to Ryan when he came back in. Should I talk about it? Say nothing? Pretend it didn't happen?

Thoughts of Deb filtered into my mind and my stomach sank, I felt sick. Oh god. I'd cheated on her.

I'd have to tell her. I knew. I couldn't expect her to be with me if I was a cheat. I couldn't bear to think of how she'd react. I didn't want to think I'd just ruined one of the few lasting relationships I'd had. I loved her, and I wanted to be with her. Didn't I?

I mentally reprimanded myself at the thought; of course I wanted to be with her. The day I had married her I had been so happy. I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

This had just been sex, as Ryan and Greg had done right? It had also been the alcohol. That time before, so many years ago, that had been the alcohol too.

I'd written that off then as too much drink but then here we were doing it again. I wondered if maybe I should just stop drinking.

Just sex. I told myself again. Because I had been lonely and missing Deb and he was there. It didn't mean anything. Right?

I sighed, fidgeting nervously, my mind arguing with itself.

My breath caught in my throat and my thoughts skidded to a halt when I heard the bathroom door open and Ryan walk down the corridor to the room. I held my breath, my hands moving around frantically as I wasn’t sure what to do with them.

He walked in, a small smile on his face, towels wrapped roughly around his lanky body, much too short for him. He had bundle of extra towels in his hand and he tossed them over to me. I watched them land next to me on the couch, and I didn't move. Just stared at him.

"You can use my shower gel, but not too much. That shit's expensive. Oh and grab another blanket from the closet in the hall on your way? You hog the covers." He said calmly, as if we hadn't just been on the floor writhing against each other.

"Okay." I managed to get out, my voice drawing out the word because it sounded wrong. He moved to go to his bedroom, but then turned back to me.

"You alright?" He asked me, and his voice had changed, from casual to serious, and I realised that this was it. He was giving me the option to freak out.

If I really couldn't deal with it, we'd talk about it and we'd sort something out. However, if I could deal, then now was the time to leave it and we just wouldn't over analyse it. It was up to me.

And I realised then that I could deal with this. Maybe we could discuss it more another time, but right now I didn't need to. We were okay, and that mattered the most.

"Yeah, I'm good." I said back, smiling at him, and he grinned again, nodding.

I heard him repeat "Good," to himself as I made my way past him to the bathroom, my thoughts already slightly calmer.

- Part Three. Present Time- 2007

The knocking on the door surprised me, but I didn't hesitate to reply.

"What is it Brad?" I called as I made my way over to the connecting door that led to Brad's room. It'd been over almost two hours since I left the bar and I couldn't think what Brad would want.

"I have something that's yours. Got given to me by mistake."

Brad called back, his words slightly slurred from what had to have been alcohol. My mind ran through things I could've left at the bar, but I came up empty.

Pulling the door open, I saw Brad, looking rather worse for wear, with Ryan, looking even rougher, hanging off him, arms round his chest, licking his neck.

I raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. I was tempted to close the door, curse my mind for imagining strange things and curl up in my comfortable bed.

Instead, I just stared at them both.

"Hey Ryan, look. Colin!"

Brad said, pushing Ryan off him, and I suddenly had to steady myself as I was pounced upon and pulled into a fierce hug. Ryan slid his arms around my chest, pressing himself into my back and leaning his head on my shoulder, holding me tight. He was heavy against me and wobbling and I had to steady myself, gripping the door, otherwise we'd both fall to the ground.

My body was going wild with the feel of him suddenly against me, this hug a real one, rather than the awkward one we'd shared earlier that night, and it was too intimate to be purely friendly.

"Colin" Ryan managed to mumble out, his voice barely understandable. "Missed you." He murmured against my neck, his warm breath tickling my skin, and I swallowed hard.

"I don't think I ordered this." I told Brad, very aware of his presence as he watched us.

I scrunched up my shoulders and tried to shrug Ryan off me but he wasn’t letting go, and he was so drunk that he could barely stand on his own anyway.

"Ry, want to get off me. Go sit down, maybe?" I tried to gently shove him in the direction of the bed but he just gripped me tighter.

Ryan shook his head, his forehead gently hitting mine as he did and I was extremely aware of how close he was.

"Want you." His voice was low and gravely in my ear. I let him hold on to me, suddenly unsure if I could even keep myself up.

I managed to ignore him as best I could; using the same thinking technique I would use to stop myself laughing on stage.

Brad was leaning against the door frame, also struggling to keep upright, and I turned my attention back to him.

"How much did you drink? You were all pretty sober when I left."

He shrugged tiredly, barely lifting his shoulders. "A lot. Ryan drank the most though."

Which was obvious, I thought, biting back a moan as said person kissed and sucked at my neck. I forced myself to concentrate and ignore the feel of him against me. He was almost grinding into me and my body was screaming, telling me to shut the door on Brad and give in to what Ryan clearly wanted. I pushed the thoughts away again.

"About that. Why is he here and not in his own room?" I asked, hoping my voice was neutral, even though I knew that it wasn't.

Brad shrugged again.

"He came to my room looking for you. He was supposed to head back with Greg, but then last time I saw him he had his hands all over Jeff and was pulling him towards his room so I don't think they want Ryan there."

I sighed, and then quickly grabbed Ryan's hand that was tugging at my belt buckle, trying to slip inside. I kept hold of it, gripping it against my side to stop him going any further.

"So why can't he stay in Jeff's room?" I knew he had a separate room, and since Chip had gone home sick, it would now be empty.

"He wanted you. And he can't be alone like this. I'm not looking after him, I haven't seen Ryan naked and I don't want to. He's your boyfriend." Brad muttered. "Can I go to sleep now?"

His voice was childlike and sleepy and it wouldn't look out of place if he threw a tantrum, stamping his foot. The mental picture of Brad as a toddler gave me something other than the hard body rubbing up against me to focus on for a brief moment, for which I was grateful.

"He's not my boyfriend." I felt the need to clarify, even though Brad didn't need it. He already knew enough about everything to know the truth.

"Lover, Ex, Whatever. He's yours. Have fun."

Brad went to pull the doors shut, popping his head around to add "Oh, and that's going to leave a mark."

He winked over-theatrically, even for him, and stumbled back into the room, the door clicking shut behind him.

It took me a second to realise what he meant, lost in the wonder of whether Brad would even make it to his bed.

I'd been desperately ignoring Ryan on my neck and I hadn't even considered what he was doing.

"Shit. Get off, Ry."

I pushed him away, dragging him and dumping him down on the bed. Walking over to the mirror, I saw the red mark he'd left on my neck, complete with teeth marks. A hickey.

"Fuck, Ryan, what are you sixteen?" I muttered, glaring at him and groaning, rubbing the mark as if it’d disappear. It wouldn’t. Just what I needed.

Ryan hadn't stayed on the bed. Instead he'd chased after me and fell on me again, arms around my waist and head on my shoulder. I had to lean against the dresser to stop myself from falling over. Before I turned back around, I caught a glimpse of us both in the mirror. Ryan's chin was on my shoulder, his head leaning on mine and his eyes were drifting shut, a sleepy expression on his face. It made an interesting picture and I had to force myself to look away from us together.

I manoeuvred us both over to the bed, realising how heavy Ryan actually was, despite how skinny he always looked. I pushed him off me and sat him on the end of the bed. By some miracle, he managed to stay sat up.

"Just stay there for a minute ok?"

I told him, hoping to god he would listen. I needed a second without him touching me. I grabbed a plastic cup, ignoring the glasses, and poured him some water. He was going to have one hell of a hangover.

"Drink this." I told him, getting him to hold it in both hands. Then I breathed in deep and leant down, undoing his laces.

"I don't want it." Ryan said, staring at the water in his hand, his eyes glazing as he tried to focus on it. "I want you." He muttered.

"Just drink it." I replied, my voice completely calm. I'd managed to slip into business mode, thankfully. Now as long as I could stay there until he went to sleep, all would be fine. I hoped.

Ryan sighed but did as I asked, spilling half of it on his chin. I filled it again and instructed him to drink more, treating him like a child rather than the fully-grown man who should know better. I managed to get off his shoes, socks and shirts. I hesitated at his belt buckle but eventually undid it, pulling off his jeans as well, leaving him in boxer shorts. I did it all mechanically, trying not to think or feel anything, ignoring the way he was touching and pulling me, begging me to respond.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Ryan whispered to me as I handed him yet another drink of water.

Knowing it could do no harm; it wasn't as if he was making much sense anyway, I said "Sure," sitting down next to him on the bed and letting him lean on me sideways. One of his hands slipped around me and the other rested on my thigh, rubbing and tickling me, and it felt like fire even through my jeans.

"I missed you so much. And I really want you right now."

Ryan stared at me, doing his best to focus. I felt my stomach sink at his words and I ignored the arousal that flowed through me. Ryan didn't mean it, not really, he was just drunk. But that didn't stop me wanting to take him up on his offer, push him down on the bed and.... I shook my head of the intrusive thoughts.

"Ok Ryan." Was all I said, pausing for a moment.

"It's true. But shhhh. It's a secret." He said over dramatically as I pushed him back so he was lying down, pulling his legs around and sliding the blanket over him.

"I won't tell." I said, just to placate him, because really who would I tell?

I moved away, flipping the light off and hoping that Ryan would simply fall asleep.

"You're going to stay with me right? I want you." Ryan called, making a move to get up out of the bed, wobbling and falling back down.

I sighed.

"I've just got to change. I'll be back."

With any luck, I thought, as I entered the bathroom, Ryan would be asleep when I got back.

-

When I re-entered, Ryan did appear to be asleep. He was however, no longer in the shorts I had left him in. They were lying on the end of the bed.

I looked around my hotel room, eyeing the chair in the corner. It didn't look comfortable enough to sleep in, but I wasn't sure I could bear to get into bed with Ryan, especially with him nude. He would likely sleep the night and day away, with all the alcohol in his system, and before, I would never have cared that much about sharing a bed with him. But now...

Part of me was desperate to curl up with him, maybe wake him up and get him to finish what he wanted to do earlier. My neck was still tingling and I was still hard beneath my sweat pants, my body unable to forget the feel of him again, despite the cool shower.

My brain told me it wasn't a good idea, but there weren't many other options, so I slipped into the bed beside him. I made sure to stay on the opposite side, however, not close enough to touch, and I closed my eyes, willing my body to relax and just sleep.

I got about two seconds of peace until Ryan made it clear that he definitely wasn't asleep. He pressed up against me, chest to chest and kissed me firmly on the mouth.

I couldn't stop myself from kissing him back, and it was hard and wet and he tasted of alcohol and cigarette smoke but he was still Ryan and I couldn't stop myself moaning into his mouth. I gave in to him for just a moment, rubbing against him and running my hands through his hair, holding his head close. He grinded into me, erection pressing against my thigh and his fingers gripping my waist and I wanted nothing more than to pull him closer and give him what he clearly wanted.

Then, using all the willpower I possessed, and surprising even myself, I pulled away, pushing him back.

"This isn't a good idea, Ry." I breathed out, my voice filled with emotion as I panted.

"Why?" He practically whined, trying to kiss me again. "I've missed you Col. I may pretend I don't but I want you so much. I need you."

His words were still slurred, a constant reminder of how drunk he was and I knew that if it wasn't for the alcohol, we wouldn't be having this conversation. We probably wouldn't be talking at all.

"I promised myself I wouldn't do this again. And you wouldn't either if you weren't so very drunk. Please just go to sleep."

It was taking all my strength to hold him away and I could feel my hands loosening as I longed to give in and ignore my common sense.

"If you don't, I'm going to leave and sleep in the other room." I told him, more for my sake than his, as I knew I couldn't keep this control much longer.

Ryan continued to argue, until I made a move to get up out of the bed.

"No don't go. I'll be good." He said quickly, rolling his eyes like a child. The threat seemed to work though, and he stopped moving towards me.

We both panted, catching our breath and I thought of everything non-sexual I could think of to try to calm my body down. After a long moment of us breathing heavily and not touching each other, I felt my body calming slightly and I noticed Ryan's breathing start to slow as he was drifting to sleep. He was still hard, and so was I, but I couldn’t… wouldn’t let myself come, even by my own hand, because I knew his name would be on my lips when I did.

"But can't..." He muttered, putting his hand on my arm, his eyes already closing.

"What Ry?"

"Hugging isn't bad right?"

Ryan said, gently pulling me close again. I had no more willpower left and I couldn't bear to argue with him, didn't want to argue with him, so I let him pull me close, our legs tangling together and our noses almost touching, his arms around me.

"Go to sleep, Ry." I whispered, letting myself enjoy the feel of him, knowing that in the morning, things would be awkward again. Right now though, it felt right curled up with him.

"Night, Col." He muttered as he drifted off. It took a lot longer before I finally fell asleep.

- Part Four. A.

Los Angeles - 2003

I was on a high, pure adrenaline as we finished the taping.

I stopped to speak to Drew on the way back to my trailer, who was also giddy and excitable, knowing that the filming had gone well. He grinned at me, and patted me on the back, before practically skipping away to change from his stage clothes.

When I reached my trailer, I frowned, noticing the door wasn't locked. I always locked it before I went on set and I was sure I had done so today. I looked around outside to see if anything else was amiss but all seemed normal.

Pushing the door open slightly, I looked hesitantly inside. I began wondering what I would do if someone was in there and started to think that maybe I should have gone and found someone else before I went in.

Ignoring that common sense though, I stepped inside and looked around, jumping just slightly when I saw him.

There was an intruder, yet I only smiled at him.

He stood looking at me, leant against the sideboard casually and seeming completely at home.

"Did you break into my trailer?" I asked, amused, and he didn't say anything, simply held up a small silver key. My hand instinctively went to my pocket where I usually kept it, but it wasn't there. I must have dropped it on set.

Ryan must have picked it up and of course he couldn't have just given it to me like a normal person.

"So what's up?" I asked, because he was staring at me with an odd expression on his face, his fingers twitching by his sides.

I watched him, waiting for an answer. He was quiet for a long time, just looking at me and I wondered what was bothering him. I moved around the trailer, tidying some things but keeping my eyes on him.

"Want to go out for a drink?" He said finally. I got the strange feeling that that wasn't what he had wanted to say, but he wasn't offering anything else, so I ignored it and smiled at him.

I was still hyped from the show, and I was definitely happy to go out and celebrate, rather than go home alone, with Deb and Luke back in Canada.

"Sounds good." I replied and he nodded, patting me on the shoulder, making some insignificant comment. My skin felt warm beneath his palm and I found myself wishing he wouldn't pull away. He did. And I pretended I didn't care.

-

"Col?"

"Yeah, Ry?" I laughed a little, because we sounded so like our stage alter egos.

We'd been talking about the usual things, alternating between hyped conversation and moments of silence where we just sat and took in the atmosphere of the bar.

"What do you think of me?" He asked me, and I gave him a long look. It was an odd thing to say and I definitely hadn't been expecting it. He didn't sound insecure, though he did sound slightly drunk and he was looking at me curiously, like he was expecting a proper answer.

"Oh I can't stand you. Only put up with you because I have to." I told him, grinning so he knew I was joking. I didn't think too deeply about the question. He was my best friend and he knew that. What more could he want to know?

He rolled his eyes at me, but I knew he was probably expecting my sarcasm.
He shrugged and didn't ask me again, but I could see that he was a little disappointed that I hadn't answered properly. .

"C'mon, what’s up Ry? You know I love you."

He gave me a long look, analysing me. Then he smiled again, properly this time, and he nodded. "I know. I'm just... I think I've already drunk too much."

I looked at the empty glasses on the table and wondered how I hadn't noticed that they'd been multiplying. It was only when I saw them did I realise how drunk I did feel.

I patted him on the shoulder, mirroring his pose from earlier and feeling the heat of his skin beneath my finger, then stood up.

"Want to head home then? I'll walk with you. Check you don't get into any trouble." I smiled at him, grabbing my jacket. I was hoping the walk would get rid of the energy I still felt coursing through me, on a high from the earlier performance.

He nodded, and we left the bar, wandering through the streets in comfortable silence. The traffic was still a consistent hum and I kicked the leaves beneath my boots, letting the crunching sounds crackle through the air. I found myself stealing glances over to Ryan as he walked beside me, his shoulder knocking mine every so often. He'd been acting strange all night and I was a little concerned. Half the time he'd act like his usual self, but the rest of the time he was trailing off and disappearing somewhere I couldn't go, giving me odd looks when I met his eyes.

"What, Colin?" He asked me suddenly, his voice low and inquisitive, and I guess I wasn't as sly with my glances as I could have been. "I have something on my face?" He knew he didn't, I could tell, but he had noticed my concerned stares.

"Are you sure you’re all right? You're acting a bit off?" I said finally, pausing in my step. He stopped with me but didn't turn to face me.

He shrugged, pausing before answering but then planting a smile on his face. "I'm fine, just tired I guess. Shouldn't have drunk much."

I knew that wasn't it, I could tell when he was lying. I just raised an eyebrow at him. He turned to look and me, staring for a second, and then we both continued walking. This time, he was glancing at me just as much. I waited, hoping that eventually he'd just tell me what was wrong, like he usually would. .

When we got to his hotel, he didn't turn to say goodbye, so I followed him up. He was in the process of moving and his hotel room had boxes along with his suitcase, piled haphazardly in the tight space.

I paused at the doorway, all ready to leave if he wanted me to, but he gestured for me to come in, tilting his head.

The door clicked behind me as I stepped in, yet instead of sitting down, I leant against the wall. I saw him eyeing up the mini-bar, watching as he took out a couple of bottles of something and offered me one, pouring his into a glass and downing it. I took it thankfully and did the same, watching him whilst I did.

"Thought you were going to stop drinking tonight?" I asked, amused. He shrugged but once again didn't say anything. I figured he wanted to talk, there had been something bothering him, but he wasn't speaking yet. I was patient though.

"What's up, Ry?" I tried once more.

"Just feeling a bit..." He trailed off, shrugging and not really coming up with an answer. "I just..."

A long second went by in which we stared at each other, and then I suddenly found myself being pushed up against the hotel room wall, his lips on mine, kissing me hard.

I hit the wall and pain shot briefly through my back but it disappeared when I felt him. He lips attacked mine, kissing me roughly and pushing against me, trying to get as close as he could.

I was so startled by the gesture that my mind whirled and couldn't catch up. My body was faster, and responded without thought, kissing him back and tangling our tongues together as my fingers gripped the back of his head.

One of his hands was at my waist, his fingers digging in as he rubbed himself against me, and his other hand rested at the back of my neck holding our lips together.

When I heard him moan into my mouth, the vibrations shooting through my whole body and down to my groin, my mind suddenly caught up, thoughts crashing back to me and I pulled away from him, panting hard, my hands going to his chest to push him back.

"What the fuck was that?"

I breathed out between pants, trying to pull more air into my lungs and shake off the feel of him against me. My lips were stinging with the force of the kiss and my whole body ached to feel him again. I was hard beneath my jeans and they were rubbing uncomfortably against me. A harsh contrast to the feel of him.

He was panting just as much as I was, but he wasn't moving away, in fact he was moving closer to me.

"Come on, Col. You can't tell me you don't want this. We've done it before."
Which we had, long ago. But they had been drunken mistakes that we hadn't mentioned again.

But no, I couldn't tell him I didn't want it because I definitely did.

That wasn't the problem; the problem was that I wasn't supposed to want him. I was happily married and had been for years. I loved Deb, and after I'd told her what had happened between Ryan and me the last time, she'd been wonderful enough to forgive me, and we'd both written it off as a drunken, lonely night, that didn't mean anything.

Which it had been.

And I could almost believe that if it wasn't for the body now rubbing against me again, one hand stroking me through fabric, the other fiddling with the buckle of my belt. His lips were on my neck, pressing wet kisses against my skin.

It might have been the alcohol talking, but I realised I couldn't resist, and I pulled him in for another kiss. He noticed my change in attitude and gave me a dirty grin, pulling me roughly to him again, kissing me once more as his hands finally slipped under my clothing. One hand rested on my hip and the other reached down and surrounded my erection, his hand cool against my burning skin.

He kissed me again as he moved his hand, alternating between fast and slow, and I suddenly couldn't think at all. I explored his mouth with my tongue, my hands running down his body, feeling weak as pleasure shot through my body from the feel of him.

I tried to feel him too, but the angle was awkward and we were both still fully clothed, my jeans resting low on my hips, completely undone, with his hands pushing them lower with each movement, the fabric rubbing on my legs.

My hands went to his chest again, this time to push him gently away from the wall, aiming for his bed. He took the hint and for one agonising moment, stopped what he was doing to pull me along.

Before I knew it though, we were on the bed, lying next to each other, our jeans lost somewhere on the floor and his hands were on me again, causing my eyes to roll back and my breathing speed up.

I finally took him in my hands and copied his movements, our hands almost moving in sync. Until he tugged sharply and rubbed in a certain spot and I had to stop because my whole body went slack as I shook and shuddered next to him.

I was still panting when I returned my hands to him, desperate to feel him do the same, working fast to bring him to the edge. When he got there, I was startled to hear him moan my name, it spilling quietly from his lips as he came hard.

We both lay panting for a long moment, catching our breath and not looking at each other.

I was about to go to the bathroom, needing to clean up and realising I could go first, when he spoke, his voice very low, almost a whisper.

"You alright Col?"

He asked and for a second I was. Until reality flooded back, like it often does, and I realised I definitely wasn't. My mind was still blurry and I realised that I was quite drunk and not thinking straight but if there was anything that was sobering, it was the thought that I'd once again cheated on my wife. With my best friend.

"Oh god." I said, suddenly, not even talking to him, just speaking aloud. "Fuck."

"Hey, Col, breathe." He said, and I hadn't even realised I wasn't.

I looked at him, my eyes wide and begging for an explanation.

"It's alright. It doesn't mean anything and it doesn't matter. We were... are still both drunk. It's just alcohol."

He was trying to comfort me, but I wasn't sure it was working. He didn't sound convinced by his words, so I didn't know how I was supposed to be.

"It didn't happen." He said after a long pause.

"What?" I said, not following.

"It didn't happen. We were drunk and lonely, we weren’t thinking right, and so it didn't happen. No one need ever know."

He met my eyes and I wondered if I could live with that. I would know it happened. But he was right; it didn't have to mean anything. I definitely hadn't been thinking right, or I wouldn't have done it.

I thought some more but I wasn't getting anywhere and so I decided I had to just go with it. It was the best option. Deb wouldn't forgive me again and I couldn't bare the thought of losing her, especially over this. It might have been because I was still quite drunk, but in that moment, it seemed like the best option.

"Okay. It didn't happen."

We nodded at each other, in some kind of warped pact, and then I realised that if this never happened, then I shouldn't still be laying here, my hands still sticky on now wet bed sheets, my body still so close to his.

I got up quickly, cleaning up in his bathroom and then grabbing my jacket, ready to leave. I paused at the door and turned back to him.

"But we're okay right?" I asked, cursing myself for sounding so insecure. For a second I actually thought he might say no, because he gave me another of those odd looks, but then he smiled and nodded.

"Of course, Col. See you on set tomorrow."

I nodded in reply, smiling back. "Try not to kiss me yeah?" I said quickly, surprising myself even at the ease it came out and I heard him laugh as I shut the door behind me.

I knew that things wouldn't seem so simple in the light of day, when my mind was clear and I was horribly hung-over. But we had a deal. This never happened.

For now, I could live with that.

-

Part Four. B.

Present Time - 2007

"Well well, look who decided to finally grace us with his presence." I heard Greg drawl from across the room. His voice was easily recognisable, even through the chatter of the other people in the room.

I forced myself not to turn around to see who he was talking to.

The bartender was staring at me, and I realised that upon hearing's Greg's voice, I'd paused and not finished my order. I quickly rattled it off, keeping my eyes on him instead of looking around like I wanted to.

However, I couldn't stop myself from listening in to them behind me, sat on the other side of the hotel cafe.

"Morning sleepyhead." I heard Brad say.

I knew who they were talking to, of course, Ryan must have finally woken from the deep sleep I'd left him in, in my hotel room.

I had woken many hours before him, drifting into consciousness to find him pressed against me, body close to mine. I had instantly reacted to the feel of him so close, warm in my arms, his hands resting low on my back as he breathed softly by my ear. I'd wanted nothing more than to wake him, forget all the tension and the complications and do what he had wanted the night before.

I couldn't though, and I wouldn't. I was still happily married and in love with my wife, whatever my thoughts about Ryan were.

Instead, I quickly tore myself away from him, thankful he hadn't woken and made my way to the bathroom to have a very long, very cold shower.

He didn't wake whilst I was getting ready, and I'd even fetched him some clean clothes from Greg, leaving them by his bed, along with a note, when I joined the others for breakfast.

It was now gone lunch and he had obviously finally woken up. I heard him groan loudly; "Why are you all so awake?" to the others. He sounded tired and his voice was croaky and I wasn't the slightest bit surprised. He probably had a killer hangover.

I called the bartender back and added some coffee to my order, knowing he would need it.

"Some of us didn't drink our body weight in alcohol three times over." Brad said, and I heard the grin in his words. I briefly wondered if that was an exaggeration or not.

The bartender told me the cost of my drinks, and I gave him my room number without paying him much attention. I was too focused on the conversation behind me.

"Tell me I didn't do anything really stupid." Ryan murmured and I swallowed hard, my fingers instinctively going to my neck. The skin was tender and sore and I knew it was red and glaringly obvious.

"Well that depends...." I heard Brad say, mock thinking, and I guessed he probably had his finger to his lips in a typical 'thoughtful' pose. "Maybe the singing?" He asked the others.

"Oh I wouldn't call singing hoedowns with Jeff to the whole bar, stupid. Could've been but I don't think anyone had a camera. Unfortunately."

I glanced around in time to see Greg's cheerful yet sarcastic grin and I couldn't help but wish I had maybe stuck around for the singing.

The bartender had piled all my drinks on a tray and was now watching me questionably. I smiled and him and took the tray and he disappeared off to serve someone else. I paused before heading back to the table though, and watched them.

They were all sat around the table we had laid claim to hours before, playing cards. Greg was balancing his in one hand, his cigarette dangerously close to them, and his drink in his other hand. Jeff sat next to him, leant back casually, his cards scattered on the table in front of him. He seemed unaware he was leaning just slightly towards Greg, although I could see it clearly from over here.

Brad was opposite Jeff, reshuffling his cards repeatedly into different orders that I guessed only he understood. My empty chair was opposite Greg's, right next to where Ryan was now sat, elbows on the table and his head in his hands, eyes closed and holding his forehead. His hair was falling in messy curls and he was wearing the clothes I'd left him.

"Downing all that scotch could've been stupid." Jeff suddenly added in. "It did cost a lot." He seemed pleased with his contribution to the 'stupid things' debate, but his excitement only earned him a glare and a groan from Ryan.

The more they said, the more I realised how drunk Ryan had actually been, not that I hadn't noticed. Yet I still felt a pang of disappointment shoot through me that I was happy to ignore.

"Oh! You licked my neck!" Brad said, as if suddenly remembering. "Though that was more disturbing that stupid. You owe me therapy." His smile gave away that he was only kidding, not that any of us could have thought otherwise. He'd done much more disturbing things with Ryan on stage and not cared.

Ryan muttered something that might have been an apology, but could've easily been an insult instead. I didn't catch it from where I was.

"I don't *think* there was anything else, was there?" Greg asked, grinning happily, barely able to keep his laughter down.

My thoughts turned to what happened after Ryan had licked Brad's neck and I knew that was where the others were heading. They'd already teased me mercilessly and now it was Ryan's turn. I wondered if it was better to go back before or after they told him, though I realised it probably wouldn't matter either way. I couldn't stop the inevitable.

I had already been too long getting the drinks, and I noticed Brad turn around, his eyes searching me out across the room. I took that as my cue to return and took a deep breath before making my way back to the table.

Without a word, I placed a glass of water and the hot cup of coffee in front of Ryan, not looking at him. He mumbled thanks but I ignored him. I gave the others their drinks and then sat back down, picking up my cards and trying for nonchalant.

It wasn't long before I felt Ryan's eyes on me, and then heard him whisper, "Fuck."

"Oh that’s right." Greg said, snapping his fingers like he only just remembered. "You also used Colin as a chew toy." He laughed, almost snorting and Jeff and Brad couldn't hold back their giggles either.

I didn't laugh. I didn't even look up. I couldn't look at Ryan because I wouldn't know how to react and I definitely didn't want to look at the others as they laughed.

I took a sip of my drink, planning to remain quiet, until I felt Ryan tug at my collar gently, revealing the large red mark I had on my neck. I shuddered as his fingers skirted over my skin and I hoped that he didn't notice. I pulled away from him just slightly, but it caused him to drop his hand as if it had been burnt on my skin.

I risked a glance at him and found he was staring at my neck, an unreadable expression firmly in place. I couldn't take the tension. The others' laughter had died down and they were simply watching us curiously.

"You owe me four hundred dollars." I said quickly, trying for humour and hoping my voice was normal.

It seemed to take a moment for the words to penetrate Ryan's mind, but when they did his eyes snapped to mine. "What?"

I forced myself to smile at him, fiddling with my collar to make it cover the mark, trying to rub away the feel of his fingers. "For the flight I had to cancel. I was supposed to be visiting my wife this weekend." I told him. It was true, and there was no way I was going to see her with this on my neck.

She would not be amused with any story I told her. Even if Ryan was the cause. Hell, especially as Ryan was the cause.

Ryan had the courtesy to look sheepish. "Sorry." He muttered, still shooting glances at my neck and I wished that I could tell what he was thinking.

The others were staring at us, noticing the awkward tension. I knew they wanted us to make some big joke out of it, because any other time, before... before things got as they were, that would be exactly what we would have done. Not now though. I couldn't take it so I rapidly changed the subject. "So whose turn is it?"

They seemed to take the hint, continuing with the game. But long after we carried on playing, chatting about meaningless things, I could still feel Ryan staring at me.

-

Part Five.

Las Vegas- 2005.

We'd only had a few drinks, hardly any, but the conversation had turned somewhat downhill after the show and the others were seeing who could make the dodgiest most sexual joke, all a little hyped up. It had been the last performance of this year’s all-stars tour, and everyone was enjoying our final night together.

I knew I was fidgeting in my chair, full of energy and unfocused. I hadn't quite caught up with the conversation, their jokes and laughter slipping past me, as I simply stared around the bar. I wanted to be back on stage, I hadn't been ready for the show to finish tonight; I was still wired.

I wanted to get rid of my extra energy.

I wanted to do something.

I wanted to....

My eyes met Ryan's across the table. He wasn't paying attention to the conversation either, I could tell. His leg was bouncing and his fingers were twitching around his glass. He stared at me and tilted his head just slightly and somehow I knew exactly what he was thinking.

He felt the same, and he wanted to get out of here.

The others barely noticed when we both stood up simultaneously and said our goodbyes. They halted in their conversation for only a second, waving us off with promises to see us at breakfast. They were used to our silent conversation, not in the least bit surprised we had arranged to leave without saying a word to each other.

As we made our way down the street, our steps fast and bouncy and perfectly in sync, I finally spoke.

"So you got a plan?"

"Not really. Just needed get out of there." He replied, grinning, and I nodded, feeling the same. The walls of the bar had been too suffocating, I already felt freer now that we were outside.

We moved quickly, passing the bright lights and the crowds of people, ignoring them all and passing so quickly that no one would notice us. We laughed and joked about this and that, discussing nothing in particular, just enjoying each other’s company and the fresh air.

Despite our speed, we didn't head anywhere in particular and it wasn't much different to being in the bar. But somehow it was better. We were outside and it was just us, playing off each other much like we would on stage. It was definitely better.

We eventually ended up walking in a full circle, after a while finding ourselves close to our hotel again. We'd both calmed a lot, relaxed from just enjoying time together.

Ryan paused outside to light a cigarette and I stood with him, leaning against a nearby building.

"Going to be goodbye again tomorrow." Ryan said quietly to me, his tone much more serious than it had been.

"Yup." I replied, wishing it wasn't. We could go for months without seeing each other and still pick up where we left off, but that didn't mean I really liked doing so.

I knew he was thinking the same, because he'd gone quiet. Neither of us said anything for a long moment, just standing together in comfortable silence.
He dropped the end of the cigarette and it fluttered to the ground, before he scuffed it out under his shoe.

"Col?" He said suddenly, and I turned to face him. As I did, I realised we were much closer than we had been, and I had to tilt my head just slightly to look him in the eye.

"Yeah?" I asked him, my voice a tone lower that it should have been. I became aware of the tiny expanse of air between us, and I realised I could feel his body heat through our clothes.

He looked at me, almost questionably, and I wasn't sure what he was asking, but he seemed to get the answer he wanted because he leant down and kissed me. It was slow, drawn out, and different somehow to any other time I'd kissed him. I responded immediately, kissing him back, and parting my lips as he slipped his tongue past them and explored my mouth.

The more we kissed, the harder he pressed, pushing me against the building wall, our tongues twining together.

When we both pulled away, breathing heavily, I met his eyes again, searching them. He stared back at me and once again I knew what he was thinking.

He wanted more. More than we'd done before.

So did I. I couldn't think of anything else.

-

Before I knew it we were in a hotel room, his, I realised briefly when I saw a pair of brightly coloured shoes.

I didn't have time to look around properly though, because I was suddenly nudged backwards towards his bed, I sat down and scooted my body up so I was in the middle.

Before I had a chance to look at him, Ryan was above me, pushing me back gently and pressing his body against mine, straddling me.

He kissed me hungrily, not bothering to check it was what I wanted, and I didn't care because I wanted nothing else. I kissed him back, relishing in the feel of him again, my tongue exploring his mouth, my hands fingering the curls in his hair.

He balanced above me, one knee resting between my legs and I found myself grinding against it. I could feel him hard against my thigh and he rubbed down on me as we both sought out friction to ease our aching.

We didn't pause to think, our lips only parting for brief seconds so we could take off our shirts or adjust our positions.

I moaned into his mouth as he undid my jeans, his fingers slipping teasingly over me, rubbing slowly. I undid his as well, and we parted for a second as we both undressed. When his body was above me again, this time uncovered, his skin free for me to explore, I ground up into him, our erections brushing together teasingly.

The movements weren't awkward like before, I felt I could almost sense what he wanted, needed, and we teased and taunted, trying to outdo the other by touching and licking and bringing the other closer first.

He tried harder, planting kisses down my chest and then surrounding me with his warm mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to keep my hips still but couldn't stop myself thrusting. He took it, not caring and continued his torture on me, taking me deep in his throat.

When I finally gave in, unable to hold back, thrusting into his mouth and shuddering beneath him, I dared a look in his eyes and found he was staring straight at me, watching me in the aftershocks. My breath caught once more, this time at the honest look he gave me and I couldn't tear my eyes away from him.

I pulled him up and kissed him again, slowly and drawn out, he rubbed up against me, trying to get a release. I reached down and gripped him, my fingers surrounding him, as I stroked him, slow and tortuously and I watched him squirm above me.

I flipped our positions, straddling him and using both my hands, watching him as I bought him right to the edge but not quite letting him fall over. I leant down and kissed him again, feeling him moan and almost growl into my mouth and I then pulled away, pausing just slightly. He snapped open his eyes and looked up at me and I held eye contact with him.

I slid down his body slowly, kissing the inside of his thigh before taking him into my mouth. I kept my eyes on him, watching the pleasure slip across his face as I used my hands and mouth to tease him to release.

I didn't tear my eyes away when he bucked beneath me on the bed, thrusting hard. He moaned out my name and I realised I loved the sound of it like that, slipping from his lips as he came, the word filled with pleasure.

Then he collapsed beneath me, breathless, and stared into my eyes once more.
I was breathing deep as I moved from above him, not wanting to look away.

There was a long moment where we lay next to each other, only the sounds of our breathing filling the room. .

This was the time that he should have got up, disappeared into the bathroom for a suitable amount of time so that we could both remember this didn't mean anything and we could be just friends again.

When he didn't move straight away, I felt that I should leave. Go back to my own room, because this wasn't supposed to be about each other. It was supposed to be about a physical release. Just sex.

But I knew that something had changed, somewhere along the way.

Which became even more evident when, instead of moving away from me, Ryan scooted up close, trying to tug me towards him. I pretended I didn't have the strength to fight him, but I knew I wasn't that tired.

He pulled me so that I was lying with my back to his chest and he held me, body moulded against mine. He was already half asleep and I realised he must have been more tired than he had let on earlier.

"Stay." He murmured in my ear, "Please. I need you." His voice was almost a whisper, heavy with sleep as he drifted into his dreams, and I wondered if he really knew what he was doing.

I wondered if I knew what I was doing.

I could feel his breath on my shoulder, could feel every inch of his skin touching me, and I couldn't stop myself from relaxing into his embrace, his strong arms circling me and making me feel oddly safe.

Deciding I could leave later, I pushed all thoughts from my mind and drifted to sleep in his arms, pretending that this was okay.

-

When I woke, the first thing I became aware of was that I was trapped.
Something was holding me down, pressed against my chest. And that something was snoring gently, right next to my ear.

Ryan.

I opened my eyes, blinking to adjust to the stream of light coming in from the window. Ryan's head was on my chest, cushioned right by my neck, his body half on the bed, half on me. His arm was slung over me and our legs were tangled together as he pinned me down. I realised absently that his feet were hanging off the end of the bed and the sight should have been almost funny but I didn't laugh.

I suddenly felt panicked.

Yet it wasn't because I wanted to leave and couldn't. It was because I realised I wanted to stay exactly where I was, pressed close to Ryan.

Thoughts filtered through my mind of how I could wake him, pushing him over slowly, planting kisses on his neck and chest, gradually getting lower and...

I shook my head, willing the thoughts away, wondering where they had even come from. Last night didn't mean anything more than any other time, right?

I realised with slight dismay that I had no hint of a hangover; a strange, horrible reminder that I hadn't been drunk the night before.

The lines in my head were blurring. Where before, Ryan was my close friend, my best friend, and even though we'd done sexual things before, it had been because we were lonely, or drunk, or both and it was just a physical release.

The two worlds were separate and we didn't let them cross together because that would mean something more.

Unfortunately, I was finding it harder and harder to keep them apart.

Ryan's breathing changed and I knew he must have been stirring. Hating myself for it, but not knowing what else to do, I closed my eyes again and feigned sleep. I wasn't sure I was ready to face Ryan yet, especially not like this. How could we be impartial about things if we were curled together like lovers?

Hoping that he would get up, but also partly hoping he wouldn't move away, I switched into acting mode and waited patiently, keeping my body and breathing relaxed.

I felt Ryan lift his head from my chest and the arm that was pinning me down bend, as Ryan obviously rubbed his eyes. I waited for him to pull away; sure he would at any moment.

He didn't. He straightened his arm again and I felt his hand tickling my chest, fingers splayed out. He rested his chin gently on my chest and my eyelids twitched as I realised he was probably watching me. He seemed to be in no hurry to move away.

It felt like he watched me for a lifetime, and I began to wonder if his eyes were even open, but I knew he wasn't asleep because his chin was still resting on me and his fingers were tracing small patterns on my chest.

When his hand moved closer to my neck, tickling my skin gently, I couldn't help but take a slightly deeper breath.

He noticed. The hand disappeared quickly and I felt his whole body tense above me, as he seemed to realise I was waking. I blinked open my eyes slowly, trying to give him a chance to get away, bringing the hand that wasn't underneath him up to rub at my own eyes.

When I opened them, I found myself looking straight into sparkling green eyes. My breath hitched, this time in surprise.

We stared at each other and I became painfully aware of how we were lying. I didn't want to make the first move, but it seemed like he wasn't going to and the silence began to stretch out.

"Uh...morning?" I managed to get out, my voice sounding loud in the silence.

I couldn't really move though, and Ryan didn't seem to be going anywhere, so I had to say something.

"Yeah." Ryan said, his voice empty, still staring at me, chin still balanced on my chest. I wished in that moment I could read his mind, as he was giving nothing away.

"I seem to be...uh...stuck." I said, trying for humour but failing.

"Yeah." Ryan said again, in the same tone, but then after a beat seemed to realise something. "Oh. Sorry." He pushed himself up, half falling onto his back next to me.

I bit back a moan at the loss of contact that I hadn't realised I'd been enjoying so much.

I suddenly wished I hadn't said anything, because somehow now things were even more awkward.

I decided that I needed to get away from him, quickly. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Ignoring the eyes openly watching my every move, I got up and disappeared into the bathroom, pushing the door shut with a gentle click that echoed around.

I leant against the door, eyes closed and breathing deeply. What was going on?

This was so wrong. My whole body ached and all I wanted was to go back in there, lie back on the bed and pull Ryan close, kiss him again, touch him, love him.

Love him.

Fuck.

I got in the shower and let the cool water wash over me, hoping to rinse the feel of Ryan from my skin. I stayed there for a long time, but it wouldn't work.

When I finally got out, I slipped a towel around my waist, wishing I had picked up my shorts before entering the bathroom. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

Ryan had his own shorts on now, but nothing more. And he hadn't moved from the bed. He had a cigarette in his hand and was breathing deeply, letting the smoke circle around him, ignoring the no smoking rule the room had. He was staring at the ceiling, his eyes open yet clearly lost in thought.

I stood in the doorway, watching him. My mind told me how sexy he looked in that moment but I pushed the thought away angrily, trying desperately to find the switch in my brain that would take me back to best-friend mode.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. .

And then someone knocked on the door.

I jumped, already on edge, and Ryan didn't even look at me as he pushed himself up off the bed and walked to the door.

Wondering if he had forgotten I was even there, I grabbed his arm, on instinct more than anything else.

He looked down at where my hand was in his arm but still didn't say a word.

He did pause in his step though. I pulled it away sharply and he simply stared at me, expressionless.

"Ryan? You awake?" A voice called out through the doorway and I didn't know if I was pleased to hear Greg's voice or not.

"Yeah Proops. What you want?" Ryan called back, his voice sounding husky and deep and I blinked a little longer than necessary.

There was a pause, and I knew Greg was wondering why Ryan hadn't yet opened the door. "Wanted to tempt you out for some breakfast."

"Sure. Give me a minute would you. I'm not dressed." Ryan called back and I snapped into action, picking up my clothes from the floor, trying desperately not to remember the moments they had dropped there.

"Quit being modest or stick some shorts on, just answer the door would you? I'm getting dirty looks from your neighbours."

Ryan sighed and looked over at me, not making eye contact. I tilted my head towards the bathroom and then made my way over to it. My hand froze on the handle when I heard Greg's voice again.

"I need to ask if you've seen Colin...We went to his room but there was no answer."

There was a hint of suggestion in his tone, and I knew that he was implying something. I decided it best to let Ryan deal with it, because I certainly didn't want to, and so I returned to the bathroom, pulling on my clothes and waiting by the door, ready to listen to whatever excuse Ryan was going to use for me.

The door clicked open and Ryan let Greg in. I heard Ryan tell Greg that I was in the bathroom and I heard Greg's suggestive joke about what we had been up to last night. Ryan would usually joke back but today all I heard was a long pause, in which I wished I could see his face, and then Ryan simply replied "Sure, Greg." almost sarcastically and asked about breakfast.

I flushed the toilet, keeping up with Ryan's excuse, and checked my clothes were on properly, before entering the room again.

We made small talk about breakfast and the whole time I avoided looking either of them in the eye.

I wondered absently if Ryan would actually tell Greg the truth at some point. I wondered if Greg already knew we were lying. I had never been quite sure what Ryan shared with Greg and I would never find out because Greg wouldn't break confidences, and I wouldn't ask even if he did.

I must have zoned out, thoughts swimming around in my head, because the next thing I knew, Ryan was touching me on the arm, trying to get my attention. I realised Greg had left and I wondered if I'd even said goodbye.

"Col? You still with us?"

He had apparently found that switch in his head that I couldn't, because he was back to friend mode, looking at me concerned, making eye contact and touching me gently.

Unfortunately, I couldn't deal with it. My skin was burning from the gentle touch on my arm and emotions were swirling around inside of me, fighting to get out.

"I...I have to go." I pulled away from his arm and quickly made my way over to the door. He followed me.

"Wait," He said, seriously, concerned, but I couldn't. I didn't want to look at him, because every time I looked at him I felt too much. He was still only in his shorts, his chest bare and I would only have to reach out and I would feel that silky skin beneath my fingertips again. I swallowed hard.

I couldn't look at him, but I did pause, my hand on the door handle as I looked down.

"Col, about last night..." He wanted to talk about it now, I knew. Because he knew I wasn't all right. But talking about it wasn't going to help.

I didn't want to hear how it didn't mean anything and that we were just friends who were lonely. I didn't want to sit and lie to him and tell him that I felt the same.

I didn't want to face to fact that I really didn't feel the same, and it did mean something.

"I have to go." I mumbled out again, but my voice wouldn't work properly and I didn't sound as convincing as I wanted to. He noticed, of course, and came closer, trying to get me to stay.

I couldn't.

I left, ignoring him calling me and rushed to my room, shutting the door behind me quickly.

When I sat on my bed, head in my hands, I realised that I just couldn't go down to breakfast. All I wanted to do was curl up for a while with my thoughts, and then get as far away from Las Vegas as possible. I couldn't face their questioning looks and their suggestive jokes and I definitely couldn't face Ryan while my mind was so jumbled.

So I called the reception and asked them to pass on a message. Then I arranged an earlier flight and packed up my bag. I lay on the bed, knowing I had a bit of time before I had to leave, and I let the thoughts swirl around in my head. Thoughts of Ryan and of Deb, of love and of sex and of the mess that my emotions had suddenly become.

And when Ryan knocked on the door, calling for me, I ignored him.

- Part Six.

Present Time- 2007

The day carried on quite calmly, with a lot of laughs and a lot more reminiscing. I even managed to relax around Ryan a little, and we found ourselves enjoying memories together.

Until he said something, I'm not even sure what, and he touched my arm and I flinched away from him because I couldn't deal with him touching me.

He looked at me then, staring with that damn unreadable expression on his face that he had began to favour, although I was sure that for a brief second, I saw pain flash in his eyes.

I made a swift exit after that, feigning the need for some air, and disappeared outside, finding a bench around by one of the hotel buildings.
I leant back and let the cool air wash over me, calming me.

Not long after I sat down, I heard footsteps and I looked up to see Ryan stood in front of me. He towered above me, looking down, hands clenched by his side as he glared at me.

"I can't take this any more."

I had been waiting for this, the long-awaited confrontation.

I knew I needed to say something, but I wasn’t sure what.

"Ryan..." I started, still undecided on where I was going to go with it. He obviously realised I had nothing, because he interrupted me, continuing his sentence as if he hadn't paused at all.

"I can't. I need to know what is going on with you. With us."

He began to pace in front of me, pausing to look at me occasionally, before resuming his pacing. He was moving quickly and I felt like I was watching a tennis game as I moved my head back and forth, following him. His body was tense and I could see that all the emotions he'd been holding inside were ready to spill out.

I looked down and took a deep breath, ready to lie to him because I didn't know what else to say.

"Nothing is..."

He interrupted again, his voice rising with each word as he paused in front of me once more.

"Colin we've been friends for a lifetime. But it's like I don't even know you any more. One minute you are just like you were, we're us again. And then suddenly you shy away like I fucking bit you."

I could see his confusion, his frustration, it poured from every word. I was trying to keep calm myself, but I was feeling it too, emotions swirling around that I had to push down for fear I would say too much.

"Which you did actually..." I said, unconsciously tilting my head to expose the mark still on my neck. I couldn't help it; I felt the need to lighten up the situation.

Of course it didn't work, but then I hadn't really expected it to.

"Is that what this is about?" He asked, but answered before I could because he knew the response anyway. "No of course it's not. What's going on?" He stared at me, daring me to lie to him again, to pretend that everything was okay.

I gave it one more shot.

"Nothing is going on." I told him.

I could see his anger rising, so I tried for something else, refusing to raise my voice. "Why do we have to be so close all the time? People change."

He wasn't taking that as an answer. "That's not it." He paused for a long time, staring at me.

I met his eyes and stared back, feeling tired and unable to deal with this. I didn't know what to say to him, what I wanted to say to him.

Suddenly he spoke again, less angry this time. "Why did you leave?"

He was trying for conversational in the tone, but his voice was low and serious.

There it was. What it all came down to.

I left, I ran away.

I pretended again, feigning ignorance to what he was actually referring to, stalling for time because I knew he would call me on it. "I...I just came to get some space..."

"I meant before." He told me, knowing I knew that anyway. "You just disappeared. I called you, and you didn't call back. Just gone. For two years."

"I wasn't exactly hiding." I told him, desperate to relieve some of the guilt from my leaving and ignoring him. I tried to tell myself that he could've tried harder to contact me, my tour dates were advertised and anyone could find out where I was at any given time.

But I also knew that I'd actively avoided him the few times he had tried to contact me.

After trying that day to knock at my door, he'd finally given up not long before I'd left the hotel. Then he had called exactly five times. Each time leaving a message with Deb or on our machine. He'd called Brad once as well. He almost begged me to call back, his concern evident, but I hadn't been able to bring myself to respond.

"No but you were avoiding me. I wasn't going to chase around after you when I knew you didn't want to see me."

I knew what he said was true. It was my fault things were like this. I'd up and left him, ending our friendship without even telling him, and expected him to... not understand maybe, but to live with it.

"Why?" Ryan asked me, now seeming more confused than angry. I could see both emotions swirling in his eyes, like he was trying to settle on one, but couldn't decide which.

I couldn't bear to look at him. "Nothing. I just thought it would be better if we didn't see each other... It's complicated."

"We have time." He finally sat down next to me. He wasn't close enough that we were touching, which if it were anyone else wouldn't seem odd, but with Ryan, it made the distance between us so much clearer.

I wanted to tell him the truth but I couldn't. I tried to explain around it, saying all I could bring myself to say and I just hoped he would understand. "We needed some space. Time apart. Still do."

He didn't understand I could tell. He just seemed more confused, and I couldn't work out how he could be so blind to everything between us.

Or he ignored it.

I guessed that was more likely.

"For what?" He asked, pressing me for a real answer.

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell him the truth because then those words would be out there and I couldn't take them back and then nothing would ever be right between us again. Maybe it still wouldn't. There was a long awkward moment of silence, where Ryan stared at me and I just avoided his eyes.

"Okay." Ryan sighed, getting up. He turned to leave, but then turned back at the last moment. "So that’s it then? All these years and you've just decided that you don't want to be friends any more?"

"Is that what we were?" It just slipped out, but the moment it did, I regretted it. I knew he wouldn't take it like I meant it.

Ryan looked as if he'd been stabbed through the chest. He stared at me, shock, confusion and hurt all swirling in his features but I suddenly couldn't think of what to say to make it right.

It took me too long to come up with an answer, my ability to think on my feet clearly having disappeared somewhere and he had already made his own conclusions.

The next thing I heard was Ryan's loud footsteps as he stormed away back into the building.

-

I sat on the bench for a long time after he left, thinking things over.
I hadn't been ready for this.

After that night, I'd thought things over, came to conclusions I really hadn't wanted to come to, and had decided to bury my head in the sand and ignore them.

It had worked. I'd been living with my feelings, ignoring the want and that stabbing feeling I got in my chest any time I thought of him and how much I missed him.

It may not have been an ideal solution, but it was one I could live with.

Until he had showed up and screwed everything up and I couldn't ignore things any more. The worst part was that I didn't even want to.

"Colin, you out here?" I heard a voice call, Greg, I realised, his tone unmistakable. I didn't see him though.

I made my presence known, calling, "Over here Greg," and he appeared from around the corner, smiling at me as he walked over.

"Can I have a word?" He asked, which of course meant something was wrong because Greg didn't ask to speak his mind, he just did.

I forced a smile. "Have many. You come to tell me I'm a bastard?"

It was the only reason I could think for him wanting to talk, because it was very likely that he'd seen Ryan by now and even more likely that Ryan had ranted to him about everything, needing to tell someone and Greg being his closest confident around.

Greg almost surprised me when he said no. He gave me a grin, adjusting his glasses and looking at me sympathetically.

I looked at him, knowing that he had some input he wanted to give me on the subject. "So what then?"

"Just wanted to see how your doing." He said, and I could believe that, but there was more to it.

"Right." I replied, looking at him sceptically. He watched me, his eyes focusing on my hand and I realised that I was rubbing at the mark on my neck. I pulled it away sharply and looked down.

Greg didn't say anything else and so neither did I. I simply waited.

He sighed. "Okay, and we need to talk, man."

I sighed as well, knowing what was coming. "Did I upset him?" I asked, sure of the answer but hoping on some crazy off chance that I was wrong.

"No no, you didn't upset him at all." Greg said, the sarcasm dripping from his words.

The words I had been looking for when Ryan had been stood before me, came out all too late, as I spilled to Greg. "He didn't understand me right. I didn't mean what I said. He was my best friend, always."

Greg wasn't stupid; in fact, he was one of the smartest and most observant people I knew. And he spotted my slip before I did.

"The 'was' is the part I'm having trouble with." He raised an eyebrow, questioning.

"It's..." I started, but he interrupted me, and I had the brief thought that I was fed up with people doing that. Even if I knew that I had nothing worthwhile to say.

"Complicated. I know. After hearing Ryan scream it a few times, it sticks in your mind."

I sighed again and felt even guiltier.

"Look, just tell me what you’re thinking. I am occasionally helpful." Greg said, smiling gently at me.

I stared at him for a long moment, trying to suss him out. I knew I could trust him, I just didn't want to. I looked down, staring into my lap.

"I'm in love with him." I said finally, realising how true the words were when I heard myself say them aloud.

Greg didn’t seem very surprised, which unnerved me slightly. It shouldn’t have, but I like to live with the idea that I'm not actually that readable.

"Okay. So you thought breaking his heart was the best way to deal with that?" Greg said blankly, and I was shocked by his harshness, whether it was true or not.

"Ouch." I muttered quietly, still not looking at him.

"Sorry." He said quickly, but he didn't take it back. "C’mon, so you love him, haven't you always?"

I had. I could just about admit that. But this was different. "Not like this. Not like I actually think about leaving my wife for him, running away and spending nights curled up next to him...." I trailed off, shaking away the thoughts.

That, I noted with some warped satisfaction, did surprise him.

"Fuck man, that's a bit 'happily ever after' isn't it? Even for you."

"That's the problem. The minute I'm around him it's all I can think of." Which was true. It was the reason I shied away from his touch and tried not to sit near him. Every look and touch and word made things harder.

"So tell him." Greg said like it was the most simple thing in the world, but to me, it was anything but.

"And ruin the friendship...." There were other reasons, many reasons that I could spend hours writing out on why that wouldn't be a good idea. I could write essays on it.

"The friendship that you've just screwed up?"

I wasn't listening, too stuck in the idea of telling Ryan, listing the reasons in my head. "It would be pointless anyway. It definitely cannot go anywhere. It's best that we just don't see each other."

"You know he feels the same way about you right?" Greg said finally, interrupting my ramblings. I stared at my shoes, noticing that I should probably clean them soon.

There was a long moment of silence, and Greg moved to get up, to give me some space. He laid a hand on my shoulder comfortingly squeezing, then he began to head back inside.

"Maybe that's what I'm afraid of." I whispered, long after he'd gone.

-

Taking a deep breath, I straightened my shoulders and headed over to him. He was in the hotel's patio area, just down from the pool, sat on the concrete and leaning against a wall. I imagined the position must've been killing his back, but he didn't seem to care. Or if he did, he wasn't showing it. Then again, he wasn't giving away much.

"Ry, can I have a word?" I asked him gently, looking down at him.

He didn't respond, simply took a long drag of his cigarette, exhaling slowly.

He didn't even turn to look at me, which I guess I deserved.

I sat down beside him, my own back protesting at the awkward movements as I leant against the wall, copying his pose. I sat a safe distance away, once more not touching him, highlighting again the awkwardness surrounding us.

I bit my lip, nervous yet desperate to make things okay.

"You know I didn't mean what you thought I did. You've always been my best friend." I said quietly.

The sounds of children chattering quietly by the pool surrounded us, splashes echoing, and the wind blew gently through the trees, whistling quietly.

It would have been peaceful if I didn't feel so uncomfortable.

He didn't respond for a long time and I began to wonder if this was a bad idea, if I should have just left him. My hands fiddled together nervously, twisting my wedding ring, subconsciously reminding myself that it was still there. I noticed absently that his wasn't and I guessed he must have lost it again.

When Ryan finally did speak, his voice was so quiet and serious that I barely recognised it.

"So what happened? It's about that night isn't it? That's what's bothering you."

I took another deep breath and my fingers itched with the craving for a cigarette, something I hadn't wanted for a long time. I inhaled some of the smoke that he exhaled, breathing in gratefully fumes that should have repulsed me.

"It shouldn't have happened. I cheated on my wife with you." I told him, trying for honesty, yet still not saying too much.

"You've done it before." Ryan said, and I wondered how he could be so unfeeling about it all, when I was sure he loved his wife and cared about her feelings.

I knew he sometimes felt guilty, that was clear, but other times he didn't even seem to think he'd done anything wrong.

"Doesn't make it all right. It makes it worse. She forgave me once but she won't again."

I had almost told her after it had happened, the words nearly slipping out with my guilt, but I'd chickened out at the last minute.

I was glad I did, I knew couldn't face telling her. I had been lucky the first time, but I wouldn't be again. She would never forgive me and I couldn't break her heart like that.

Ryan didn't argue, likely because there was no way he could.

"So it's over now. Won't happen again." He said, making it sound so simple, but I couldn't help but feel that he didn't really mean the words. He seemed to be just talking to placate me.

He finally spared me a look. "You blame me..." He started and it was almost a question, so I answered, interrupting him for a change.

"I don't. We were both there." I said quickly. It didn't matter who had started it, either of us could have stopped at any time, but we hadn't.

He watched me, looking at me like he wasn't sure what to believe. "Right. So what, now you think I won't be able to keep my hands off you?"

"Already haven't." I replied, knowing that if I closed my eyes I could still feel him against me, taste him on my tongue.

"I was very drunk. And nothing happened." He waved his hands around, fidgeting nervously beside me, half-ranting, half-sighing. "I have some self control for fucks sake."

He paused and looked at me, like he'd said something wrong, but I didn't know what. Before I had time to analyse it, he spoke again.

"I didn't come on to you back then either. We were both just lonely."

Which was of course, the story we'd silently settled on. That it was some relief when we were both lonely. Except last time we really had no reason to be that lonely.

"Uh huh." I replied, trying to agree, but I knew I didn't sound sure of myself.

I knew I was lying, after all.

"It won't happen again." Ryan said once more, watching me now. He almost seemed disappointed, but I took his tone to mean that he was still annoyed with me, rather than anything else. I didn't want to think it meant anything else.

"I don't want to lose our friendship." I told him honestly, my voice quiet because I didn't like talking about emotions like this. It was uncomfortable and nerve-racking and everything I said felt like a lie, even when it wasn't, because what I really wanted to tell him, I couldn't.

"Me neither." He said, and it was the only thing he sounded convinced about.
After a long pause, he sighed and looked at me. "So let's just forget it."
I nodded in response, wondering if it was even possible to go back to how we were, but hoping that maybe we could.

He nudged my shoulder with his, a peace offering.

I began to think that maybe things could be all right, even if I had to ignore the feel of my skin tingling where he touched me and ignore the part of me that was screaming at me, wanting not what we had before, but much more.

- Part Seven. A.


I lay on my bed, the air filtering in through my open window, swirling around the room and making the curtains rustle. I was tired, my body exhausted but I couldn't sleep because my mind was still on overdrive, the after effects of performing.

Our show had gone well; I'd had an amazing time, like I always did when I got to perform on stage. It would have been like any other night, but it was made more interesting due to three certain audience members.

Ryan, Greg and Jeff.

I'd spotted them the moment I'd walked on stage, whistling and cheering over-enthusiastically from where they were huddled together in their seats near the back. I had no idea how they had managed to get tickets because our show had been sold out for weeks, but sure enough there they were, cheering us on and acting like perfect fans.

Until the show had started, and we'd began taking suggestions, at which point they had decided to have some fun. They threw out the riskiest, most random and most sexual suggestions they could come up with, causing Brad to break down into giggles more than once. I'd almost laughed myself, just managing to keep my control, after some of the things they had said.

I had wanted to pick them for a participation game, but they had been too far back to get to, and whenever we had gestured they had declined. They had been having too much fun bothering us from their seats.

A knock sounded on my hotel door and I was pulled from my thoughts.

I made my way over, wondering who it could be. After the show, we had all gone back to the bar for a few drinks, although I had steered clear of alcohol. As had the others, especially Ryan who seemed to be drinking water the whole night. Because of that, I wasn't expecting any drunk visitors.

I opened the door to find Ryan, leant against the door frame casually, his head tilted downwards, smiling at me. He was dressed only in sweat pants and a t-shirt and I noticed with amusement that he no shoes or socks on, making me wonder what would have happened if he had bumped into a fan in the hallway. It would be interesting to explain that.

"Got the right room this time, then." He said instead of hello, and I was ready to agree until something occurred to me.

"I thought you were too drunk to remember anything last night?" I asked him, suspiciously.

He didn't say anything, simply smiled at me innocently and then walked past me and into my room, launching himself onto my bed.

I eyed him warily, shutting the door behind him and looking around.

"This is my room, right?"

Shrugging, he gazed around aimlessly, bouncing just slightly on the spot. "I'm bored."

"It's night," I told him, like it wasn't obvious from the moonlight shining into the room. "Usually the time to sleep." The whole atmosphere felt surreal, as if I'd fallen back in time twenty years when Ryan would knock on my door at all hours, just to spend time together. I'd missed it.

"I'm not tired." He said, like that explained everything, and then looked down, playing with the bedspread. When he looked up again, he attempted 'puppy-dog' eyes, that even I was aware I was better at.

Despite that, I still couldn't stop the smile spread across my face, and I fell for it. I'd missed this too much, missed him too much, to let the opportunity go by. He was clearly trying to make things right, it was only fair that I do the same.

I wiped the smile from my face and sighed in mock-annoyance. "Fine, you can stay."

The innocent look slipped away as quickly as it had appeared and his smile was back.

"So what are we doing?" He asked me, and I shrugged.

"Hey, this was your idea. You think of something." His smile grew and I wasn't sure if I'd regret saying that.

-

Half an hour later and we were both spread out on my bed, close but still not touching, the contents of the mini-bar spread across the room. The quiet sounds of the television played in the background, a pay per view movie that we'd stopped paying attention to soon after we'd ordered it. The wind was still drifting in through the window gently and the only light in the room a small lamp, the moonlight and the occasional flash of the television screen.

Ryan lay on his back next to me, currently wasting the most expensive peanuts in the world by trying and failing to toss them into his mouth. He was wrecking my hotel room, spreading chocolate and peanuts all over but I couldn't bring myself to care. I was too relaxed by the calming atmosphere and just being in his presence.

I watched him, amused, unable to stop the flush of adoration that spread through my body. I felt content just being close to him again and it would have been perfect if I didn't have to keep pushing away stronger feelings that were threatening to spill out.

"You better clean that up before you leave." I told him as I watched him miss his mouth once more.

"Who said I was leaving?" He asked, raising his eyebrows. I tried not to register the flirty tone that had suddenly entered his voice, but it was definitely there.

"You do have a hotel room right?" I said, trying to keep the conversation purely friendly. I knew that if we even stepped close to that line again, I wouldn't be able to come back, not that I would even want to.

"Proops is in it." He said, almost pouting at me, and I had to look away because all of sudden he was becoming entirely too tempting.

"So why did you agree to share with him?"

I kept my voice neutral, trying not to let show the feelings I was experiencing. I could do this, I told myself, wondering why I could keep my cool on stage in front of hundreds of people, but completely lost myself around him.

He didn't respond, but he did shove the peanuts to one side, rolling over so he was lying on his stomach, sliding around so that he was sideways across the bed, his legs dangling off the end. I was leant against the headboard, my legs stretched out in front of me and he put his chin on my thigh, looking up at me.

"Let me stay here?" He fluttered his eyelashes at me, humorously, and it came across oddly appealing.

I sighed, trying to pretend that his head wasn’t on my leg, so close to me, and I looked down at him.

I gave in. "You're sleeping on the floor." I told him, but even I knew that it was very unlikely I would follow through. At least though, we would both be clothed this time and I felt I could probably deal with that.

He still hadn't removed his head from my leg, and instead of doing so, he flipped himself over again so he was resting the back of his head practically in my lap, as he stared up at the ceiling.

"Aren't you tired yet?" I asked, trying to ignore the feel of him near me.

My fingers itched to touch him, and I wanted to reach out and play absently with the curls on his head or stroke his cheek and feel the soft skin there.

I forced myself not to, keeping my hands firmly at my sides.

He turned his head to look at me, and I tried desperately not to think of the position we were in. He seemed oblivious, but I had the strange feeling that maybe he knew exactly what he was doing, and was teasing me on purpose.

I shook the thought away.

"Some of us aren't as old as you." He replied, grinning. His fingers tapped an imaginary tune on the bedspread beside us, and he didn't move from where he was, his head still resting on my thigh.

"Some of us have to work."

I gave him a pointed look, knowing that his group arranged plenty of time to relax and hang out together between performances, having to factor in extra travel time as well. Ryan rarely took on any extra work either, whereas I barely stopped.

He shrugged as best he could in his current position, and I had the sudden thought that he was probably making his back even worse than it already was. He didn't seem to care though.

He stared up at me, and the awkwardness I'd been trying to avoid since he'd arrived came flooding back, messing with my senses. I tensed up and he must have noticed, but he didn't say anything.

Instead, he just looked up at me, curiously.

"You all right, Col?" He asked, and I wondered how I could possibly answer that.

I definitely wasn't all right, yet I really wished I were.

I nodded, numbly, not really sure what else to say. He was still in my lap, looking up at me, and in that moment I wanted nothing more than to lean down and kiss him.

I didn't though, I couldn't.

He lifted his head up finally, and then spun himself once more so he was sat next to me. He turned sideways and then he was near to me again, his head next to mine, his lips temptingly close. I realised he'd placed his hand on my thigh, filling the gap that his head had left, but he'd done it so calmly, so naturally, that it felt wrong to point it out.

He was still looking at me curiously, a question in his eyes. "You sure?" He asked me, his voice suddenly slightly lower and I couldn't help but think that he was going to kiss me.

Tension had settled in the room, thick and hot and I didn't know why, but we were no longer just two friends hanging out together.

He was getting closer to me and now I was sure he was going to kiss me, and I knew that if he did, I wouldn't be able to pull away.

I could already feel my resolve slipping and if he got any closer then I wasn't even going to leave it up to him to make the first move. I was going to do that myself.

I had to get away from him, because if I didn't, I was going to forget the consequences and take what I desperately wanted.

"I need... Um, bathroom." I said, finally coming up with an excuse, and I quickly stood up and moved away from him. I forced myself not to look at his face because I was terrified of what I'd see there.

I entered the bathroom quickly, and shut the door, taking deep breaths to try to regain my self-control. My whole body was telling me to go back in there, touch him and kiss him and see how he would react because it was obvious, however much I wanted to pretend, that he'd react positively.

I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down.

I found myself wondering if it had really come to this, if we really couldn't be just friends any more.

I sighed. No. I wasn't going to let that happen. I could act natural and keep things strictly friendship.

Now if only he would.

-

"Rise and shine!"

The voice was loud, breaking into my deep sleep.

I stirred as bright sunlight suddenly penetrated my eyelids, bringing me fully into consciousness. I blinked my eyes open, the daylight bathing the room causing me to squint, and I brought my hand up to shield my eyes.

The first thing I saw through blurry eyesight was Greg, smiling at me, the light surrounding him like a halo. "Morning Sunshine," He said, clapping his hands gently. "Time to wake up."

I looked around blearily, finally focusing fully and saw him stood at the end of my bed, looking down at me. Jeff wandered over from the window, obviously the culprit of where the sudden light came from, and they both grinned at me. They were entirely too cheerful, entirely too awake and they were both fully dressed and happy. I groaned, closing my eyes again, wishing myself back into the peaceful sleep I'd been pulled from.

"Are they dressed? Tell me they are dressed?" I heard a familiar voice ask loudly and I opened my eyes again to see Brad by the connecting door, also very awake and dressed, his hands theatrically over his eyes.

"Sorry, no. Both completely naked." Greg said, and my mind began to process enough for me to realise that they were talking about me.

Panic briefly flashed through me as I realised what he'd said and I soon became aware of every inch of my body.

Through that, I realised that Ryan was curled up in my side, his head on my chest, one arm across me and one leg hooked around mine.

We definitely hadn't fallen asleep like that.

With that awareness, came the relief that Greg had been joking though, and I was in fact fully clothed, as was Ryan. We were also both on top of the covers, not under them, and I noticed with dismay that my room was still littered with empty drink cans, snack wrappers and peanuts.

Brad was now peaking through his hands gingerly, pulling them away when he saw us. "Liar." He said to Greg, who only smirked in response.

"Man, what did you guys do last night?" Brad asked, looking around the room.

I briefly flashed back to our evening, filled with random conversations interspersed with awkward pauses. We'd joked and laughed together and it would've been like old times if we hadn't kept stopping occasionally, after one of us said something a little too suggestive, or when Ryan had sat a little too close, and tried to avoid the tension that kept settling. We'd almost kissed, more than once, but I'd always pulled away and we both pretended nothing happened. When we had finally fallen asleep, we had been on separate sides of the bed, very unlike how we were now.

Greg had his eyebrows raised, looking very interested, and even Jeff was grinning and waiting for an answer. I'd obviously taken too long a pause for Brad though because he suddenly said, "Wait, maybe I don't want to know."

I was glad because I didn't really have a good response.

The three of them were now stood around my bed, looking at us, and I tried to inch away from Ryan. He was still fast asleep, snoring quietly against me, and was completely oblivious to our new spectators. He was, unfortunately, still aware of me though, because as I tried to move away without waking him, the arm across me tightened.

Realising the others were still looking at me, expecting something, I pulled my attention back to them. "Uh, what time is it?"

"One o'clock. We have to check out in two hours, so you guys better get up." Jeff said, kicking a can that was on the floor, but not picking it up.

"We? I'm staying another two nights." I told them, confused.

"Not any more. You're now coming with us." Greg replied, his tone indicating that I had absolutely no choice.

I stared at him. "What?"

"We're kidnapping you." Jeff said cheerfully. "Brad's going home to the family for the weekend, and as our little vampire here stopped you doing the same, we thought we'd take you with us. You can catch a flight back after the weekend and carry on like you were going to."

"Uh, I don't think that's a good idea." I told them, my eyes dropping to Ryan who was still using my chest as a pillow. As much as I craved being around him, it really wasn't a good idea for us to spend more time together. I didn't know how long we could carry on like we were, skirting around feelings and pretending things were normal.

Greg was looking at Ryan as well. "I do." He said, his eyes coming back up to meet mine, daring me to argue with him.

Brad, obviously feeling the conversation was over or simply having nothing to add, headed back through the connecting door to his own room with a wave. Jeff followed him saluting on the way out as his goodbye.

Greg paused before leaving, poking Ryan in the leg gently. "I take it you aren't fighting any more?" He asked me.

I began to manoeuvre my way out from under Ryan again, still trying not to wake him.

The man clearly slept through anything, because he didn't stir, and I finally managed to get away.

"We're friends." I told Greg, making my way around the room, picking up things as I headed towards the bathroom. Greg followed me, helping me tidy a little. "Like always." I added because he hadn't said anything. I eyed him warily.

"Ah, so you are ignoring that you are in love with each other?" He asked, innocently, like he hadn't said anything out of the ordinary. I glared at him, wishing he hadn't implied that Ryan was in love with me as well.

"Isn't that what you do?" I asked him, just as innocently, because however low, I wanted him to be squirming as well.

To his credit, he only looked panic-stricken for a second, before his usual calm composure was back. "No."

I couldn't decide if he was lying or not.

We stood in silence for a moment, his eyes drifted to Ryan on the bed again and I couldn't stop myself following his gaze. He was face down and spread out across the bed. The arm that had been around me not five minutes before was still extended across the blankets and his shirt had risen up, exposing his lower back.

My whole body was drawn to him, like a magnet that I was trying to resist, and I wanted more than anything to go over to him again.

Greg was watching me now, and I'm sure he saw my longing look because he raised that damn eyebrow, saying volumes without a word.

"It's how it has to be." I told him, by some way of an explanation, answering his look the only way I could.

"Says who?" He asked me in response, but then disappeared out of my room before I had chance to say anything.

It didn't matter because I didn't have an answer anyway.

- Part Seven. B.


I could see why they toured this way. Despite the obvious reason, that Ryan wouldn't have to fly, it was also just a fun and relaxed way to spend time.

We'd been sat around the same table for hours, playing cards and catching up, discussing everything and joking and laughing together.

I had been debating over something with Greg, nothing important, Jeff and Ryan discussing something else that I hadn't picked up on, and our card game had been momentarily forgotten. Yet when Greg excused himself and disappeared down the bus to the bathroom, I turned and found Ryan watching me, Jeff having been distracted grabbing snacks from one of the cupboards.

Ryan stared at me for a long time, his expression unreadable, and I gave him a questioning look, smiling gently.

He nodded a little, as if that was a good enough response, before looking away, scratching the back of his neck in an almost nervous manner.

Just as I was about to say something, he stood up, quickly, his movements jolted and ungraceful and stepped away from the table.

"I'm beat. I'm going to bed." He said, and shoved his cards down, giving me one more quick glance before saying his goodnights, passing Greg in the narrow walkway, then disappearing into his bunk, pulling the curtain shut.

I followed his steps, staring down the bus to where he'd gone.

"He all right?" I asked the others, thinking to myself that he definitely wasn't. I didn't know whether to follow him or not, wondering whether I would just make things worse if I did.

Greg shrugged as he sat down, picking up his cards ready to continue with the game. Jeff didn't look too concerned either, more focused on trying to juggle his cards and the chips he had found.

"He does that sometimes." Greg said, by way of an explanation, sending a brief look down to the sleeping area.

"Especially recently. Got a lot on his mind, with the divorce and all." Jeff added absently, shrugging himself and picking up Ryan's cards, shuffling them into the pack.

My mind screeched to a halt and it took me a second to process his words.

"What? What divorce?" I grimaced as my voice squeaked but I was too shocked to do anything about it.

I hoped they weren't saying what I thought they were saying.

Greg and Jeff shared a look, finally turning their attention to me.

"He didn't tell you?" Jeff asked, confusion and surprise clear in his voice.

I couldn't reply, just shook my head.

"Ryan and Pat. They decided to separate. Months back now." Greg said calmly, adjusting his glasses and watching me closely for my reaction.

He didn't seem as surprised as Jeff did, but I still got the impression he had no idea I didn't know.

"What? Why?" To my dismay, my voice was still higher than it should have been, and I felt myself breathing too deep. I didn't want to hear what they were saying. Ryan couldn't get divorced; they were supposed to be happily married like Deb and myself.

I didn't want to think he wasn't any more, because that made me feel things that I should definitely not be feeling.

"He really didn't say anything?" Jeff asked rhetorically, in shock himself. "Things had been rocky for a while, then when Ryan..." He trailed off when Greg shot him a sharp look and I got the feeling that he had kicked him under the table.

"When Ryan what?"

They both looked at each other and I noticed the silent conversation as they debated what I should know.

"He didn't tell us not to say anything." Jeff muttered and Greg didn't look convinced but he shrugged and let Jeff continue. "He told her he'd cheated again."

I swallowed hard. Millions of emotions ran through me, settling on guilt, knowing I was who he had cheated with, along with a hint of curiosity and unwanted jealously as I wondered if he had cheated again recently.

"They both admitted it would be best if they separated. So they have. I can't believe he didn't tell you." Jeff said and part of me was equally surprised, but another part knew that we hadn't had much chance to catch up, especially over the state of our marriages.

"Why this time?" Ryan had cheated before, Pat knew about Greg and about that time with me in London, maybe about the other times, along with the two times with women right when they first got together.

It wasn't that he didn't love her, he'd always worshipped her, but he was young when they first got together, and he spent a lot of time away from her.

"It wasn't really about the cheating, they were having problems and he just confessed one day. She didn't leave him though; I think she still would've stayed with him." Greg didn't sound surprised or even pitying of her, and I knew that he realised how people got drawn to Ryan.

"But he didn't want to be with her." He paused and looked at me. "Not really, not any more."

He gave me a look, but I chose to ignore the hidden statement behind his words.

"Maybe you should go check on him?" Jeff suggested.

I shot them both a panicked look, but they didn't pay attention, now carrying on with the card game as if nothing out of the ordinary had been said.

But it had. And the last thing I wanted to do right now was face Ryan.

My mind was reeling from the idea that Ryan was now separated and I didn't want to have to see him because I didn't know how I'd react.

Greg looked at me again, and I knew he was waiting for an excuse for why I couldn't check on Ryan, but I couldn't think of one I would want to tell him.

And part of me did want to see Ryan, to speak to him.

He'd disappeared so suddenly and to me it wasn't usual behaviour for him. I was still supposed to be his friend; I could support him in this couldn't I?

I wanted to say I could, but I knew my feelings were telling me otherwise.

-

I hesitated outside Ryan's bunk, the curtain drawn tightly shut. I could hear the muted sounds of the others down the bus and I wondered absently if he'd heard us.

"Hey Ry?" I called gently, my fingers toying with the end of the curtain but not pulling it back. My body protested to me crouching down so uncomfortably, but Ryan's bunk was the bottom one and I couldn't stand any other way.

Ryan pulled back the curtain and I wobbled at the movement but managed to stop myself from falling.

He was stretched out on his generously sized bunk bed, blanket over him, eyes wary and I think I might have woken him.

"Everything ok?" He asked me, looking at me oddly and I knew then that he hadn’t heard our conversation.

"That's what I came to ask you."

"Oh." Ryan said, and just stared at me, not offering anything else.

I was ready to say something, something caring and understanding but instead, I blurted out, "Why didn't you tell me you and Pat were divorcing?" cursing myself as soon as the words left my mouth. That wasn't how I wanted to approach this.

Ryan paused for a long moment, staring at me, and I wanted to backtrack but instead I stared back at him, a question in my eyes.

"Come here." Ryan said finally, pushing backwards so that there was a space next to him in the bunk. I looked at him strangely; eyebrow raised, but complied, lying on my side in a mirror position to him, balancing my head on my arm.

He leant over me to pull the curtain shut behind me, and I closed my eyes a moment too long as he did, breathing in the scent of him.

When he moved away again, I shook my head, bringing my thoughts back to the topic at hand. "You should have said something." I told him, pushing back so I was as far from him as possible in the confined space, my back to the curtain.

"When?" He asked, and it was a fair question because we really hadn't talked properly since we'd seen each other. But inside I still wanted to yell at him for not telling me sooner.

I changed my tone, trying to shake off my feelings and slip into caring mode. This was about him, after all. "Are you all right?" I asked him gently.

"Yeah I am." He replied, honestly, and I believed him.

He had obviously taken enough time to deal with it, because he didn't even hesitate in his answer.

"Why?" I asked him, and he knew without question what I meant. I wasn't asking about why he was okay, I just couldn't understand why he'd chosen to end a relationship that he'd been happy in for years.

"It was time. I love her, always have, but I wasn't in love with her any more. Not like..." he trailed off and then looked me straight in the eye, staring into me, and continued, "Not like I'm in love with you." He said.

My breath caught and I froze.

The words came out a whisper, gentle but full of feeling, spoken calmly as if he said them all the time. But his eyes were staring into me, filled with emotion, begging me to listen to him.

"What?" My voice cracked, once again higher than it usually was.

"You heard me." He said, and I had. I'd heard with shocking clarity, I knew exactly what he'd said, and I'd dreamt about hearing those words. I'd even wished for them, once or twice.

But now that he'd said them and they were out there, I just wanted him to take them back.

"No...No...No... Don't say this." I scrambled, trying to get out of the tight space that seemed to be closing in on me. Ryan grabbed my waist, pulling me back, and I tried to shrug him off but he gripped me tight. It didn't hurt, just firm pressure on my waist, making it even harder for me to manoeuvre out of the bed.

"Why not?" He asked, and I could feel his fingers on my waist, sparks shooting up from them through my body.

I couldn't breathe.

"Because you don't. You can't. You're not allowed to." I told him, babbling. I wasn't making any sense but then neither was this. He couldn't tell me he loved me.

"Not allowed?" He said and now he was amused, of all things, while I could feel my chest getting tight and my heartbeat racing.

"No. Why? Why now?" I repeated my question from before, wondering if this was even happening. I'd had this dream before, but it had been gentle and loving and easy. This was harsh reality, with wanting and complications and guilt.

"I couldn't do it any more." He said, honestly, his voice still quiet. "I couldn't pretend that I was happy with her, and I can't pretend that I'm happy that we're like this. And I can't let you disappear again and pretend that I don't care that I never see you."

I wanted to shout at him, to say that he shouldn't have done this. That he can't expect me to drop everything in my life just for him, and that he shouldn't have left his wife.

I wanted to scream and yell and tell him that he shouldn't have said anything and that he'd just screwed up any chance of us ever being like we were.

But instead of loosing my temper, I simply said, "What do you want me to say?" my voice a whisper, tired and confused.

He shrugged as best he could. "What do you want to say?" He said, still calm, as if he was asking me what I wanted for lunch, but there was a million emotions behind his eyes and I could see him begging me for an answer that would make him happy.

"How can I even respond to that?" I asked, and I realised that this is what is had come to; some twisted game of 'questions only' until one of us snapped and actually said what this all meant.

I broke first, not able to keep this inside any more. "Do you want me to say it back? And then what? I'm married Ryan! I have a son, you have children to think about and you're barely separated." I took a deep breath, stealing myself and then I said, "I can't love you."

He didn't respond, didn't say a word, just stared at me, his fingers still resting on my hip, less pressure now, just there, touching me.

He'd moved closer, and we were lying next to each other, bodies almost together but not quite, a thin sliver of air between us. I could feel him breathe against my cheek and I forced myself not to shudder.

Then he leaned in, before I had chance to react and kissed me. The kiss was soft, exploring and unlike any we had shared before. He ran his tongue along my lip, pressing closer to me.

Yet just as I moved to kiss him back, opening my mouth and letting my tongue touch his, he pulled back.

I kept my eyes closed when he pulled away. Willing myself to calm down. I took some deep breaths but my heart was still racing and all these feelings were fighting and swirling inside me.

I was torn between wanting to scream and wanting to cry and wanting to laugh and hug and kiss Ryan, but instead I did nothing. Just stopped still.

"You're not saying you don't love me. Tell me you don't. And I won't mention it again." He told me, his voice low and husky and his lips still so close to mine.

I opened my eyes and tried my hardest to glare at him. "You know I can't."

"Do I?" He looked at me questioningly and for a moment and I wondered if he really didn't know. But I didn't want to say it. Because once I said it, I'd never be able to take it back.

He wasn't going to let up though, wasn't going to give in once again.

When I finally spoke, my tone was harsh, and if I could, I'd probably be shouting, but I hissed it out in a whisper instead. "I love you, okay? I'm in love with you. Always have been." I sighed. "Are you happy now?" I asked him, knowing he couldn’t possibly be.

Ryan paused briefly to take words in, blinking a second too long when he heard them, but he knew that it didn't make things okay.

"I know you thought you could just make these feelings go away." He said, grabbing my hands to stop them from shaking. "So did I, Col. But it's been thirty fucking years and they don't seem to be going away any time soon."

Thirty years. It was a lifetime. My anger got lost somewhere and I whispered, "All that time?" because it was too long for someone to hide their feelings.

But I hadn't needed to ask, I knew it was true and I knew I’d loved him before.

I'd been kidding myself, we both had. I'd pretended that it hadn't been until that last night that I felt anything except friendship and some comfort when alone, but that wasn't the case and I knew it.

"Yes all that time. And I'm tired of this." He let out a deep breath that I didn't realise he'd been holding and looked in my eyes. "Tired of half touches and nights that don't last long enough and I'm tired of not being able to see you. I miss you."

I sighed, my anger dissipating completely at the lost tone in his voice. "I miss you too." I allowed myself to say and then panicked as I realised I'd let my guard down. He knew me well enough to know that I wasn't giving in that easy though.

"But?" He said, pressing me to break his heart like he knew I would.

"But what do you want Ry? I won't cheat on Deb again and I can't leave her. This can't go anywhere." My voice was no longer angry, I was no longer angry. Just tired of this.

"I left Pat." He told me, and it wasn't fair of him to say because I'd not asked him to leave his wife. I did the opposite, trying to help, trying to leave him so that he could live his life with her without me there to complicate things. But he'd ended it on his own instead.

"And you shouldn't have. You were married, had been for so long. You love each other and you're married and that means something and you can't just throw it away because of some wish that you've had for years, some stupid feelings that are too strong to ignore, a handful of nights..."

I trailed off in my rant, thinking about Deb and Ryan and Pat and he knew because he asked, "Are we still talking about me?" and I hated him in that second for knowing me too well.

I glared at him again and we didn't speak for a long moment.

"Col..." He said finally, his fingertips now tracing patterns on my hip, his eyes staring into me. I suddenly needed to get away from him, from this.

He was entirely too tempting and I felt my self-control slipping away slowly as I struggled to think up reasons why I shouldn't do everything I could do to be with the man in front of me.

"I can't... I need to think." I scrambled out of the bunk, half-falling, and stumbled to my own bed. The bus was too small for this and I felt claustrophobic.

I lay in the bed I'd been given, pulling the curtain shut roughly and collapsing on my chest.

I closed my eyes and tried my hardest not to picture Ryan, but I couldn’t stop myself going over the scene in my head a thousand times, before I finally drifted into a restless sleep, finally realising there was no way things could continue on the way they were.

- Part Eight.


Ryan ignored me when I sat down beside him on the wall outside the hotel.

I had watched him chain-smoke for the past twenty minutes, staring at him from the hotel lobby, mesmerised by the slow movements as he bought the cigarette to and from his lips, the smoke curling around him before disappearing into the cool air.

I'd avoided him all morning, quickly getting my own room at the hotel and making up excuses to spend time as far away from them all as possible. I wasn't up for socialising, my mind rushing with thoughts that I had struggled to follow.

It was still racing now, thoughts swirling around about myself, my wife, my son, Ryan and his wife and their children. Thoughts about Second City and Whose Line and all the moments in between and thoughts about those few nights I'd shared with Ryan that were etched into my mind forever.

Everything merged in my mind, twisting and speeding back and forth, as I struggled to keep up, to make any decision.

I wasn't sure what I was going to say to him, what I was going to do, and I still hadn't decided when I walked over to him and sat down, my mind very confused.

He didn't even look up at me, not even pausing in his movements and he didn't say a word.

Neither did I. We sat together in silence, and it felt uncomfortable and suffocating once more and I wondered whether we would ever get back to the time where we could sit for hours together and not say a word, simply enjoying each other’s company and communicating in other ways.

That time was definitely long gone now.

The minutes dragged on and I felt myself going through things I could say but none of them sounded right.

Ryan spoke first, surprisingly, clearly feeling the tension as much as I was. His voice was low, quiet.

"Forget it, Col. I never said it. I don't think it and I definitely don't feel it. Let’s just go back to how we were. Friends. Okay?" He wouldn't look at me, and he was toeing the ash that had dropped from his cigarette whilst he pretended to be okay.

I knew he was pretending he would be happy if I said yes, I could see the disappointment already present, although he wouldn't look me in the eye.

I still didn't say anything.

I thought for a long moment that just maybe I could say yes. I found myself wondering if that would be the best thing, if everything would then be sorted out and I'd have my friend back. .

Except I knew I wouldn't, and that now I couldn't, no matter how much I tried, because things had gone too far and there was no going back.

"No."

Ryan sighed and took another drag of his cigarette. "So what, you want to go back to avoiding me?"

This time there was no hesitation. "No."

I shook my head. I had hated avoiding him, because whilst it was okay not seeing him due to other work commitments or time, it was a completely different thing actively avoiding him. It meant that the tension dragged out, always present in the back of my mind. I had also missed him horribly, a pulling feeling deep in my stomach that never went away.

It had been easier than this though, this uncomfortable tension and tough decisions, if just for a little while. I wondered if maybe we didn't see each other for long enough, that the feelings would die and we could go back to friends.

"Maybe." I said, changing my answer without really thinking it through. I honestly didn't think I could live with the thought that I may not see Ryan again for however many years.

I wondered if I even wanted to go back to being just his friend, knowing deep down that I definitely didn't. The other option was unimaginable though.

Ryan had frozen on the spot. His leg stopped fidgeting nervously, his hand paused midway to his lips and he stared at the ground. I looked over at him, and watched each one of his muscles tense up.

It felt like forever that he stayed still, frozen in place.

"Maybe... I mean, don't you think it would be better if we just... let this go? Spend time apart like I said before because it's not working like this. Then maybe if... uh when we see each other again..." I managed to get out, testing the words aloud, seeing if I could really go through with it, all the while trying to tell myself that it would be the best thing.

"So that's it then. It's over. Everything." Ryan's voice broke on the words and I suddenly couldn't look at him for fear he would be crying, even if I knew that he wouldn't do that in public. "You keep saying that but you can't want it to happen either."

I wanted to agree but my mouth wouldn't work properly. Saying that was too close to saying, I wanted to be with him, and I couldn't, because then how could I walk away from him.

My silence was once again enough for Ryan, as I hesitated too long and so he moved into action, grinding his cigarette under his shoe forcefully, jumping up off the wall and turning to go, his movements harsh and jolting. His hands were shaking, but he kept them moving, trying not to let it show.

I realised he was going to walk away from me and I wondered if it would be easier. I breathed out, shaking myself as the cool breeze washed over me, knowing that it wasn't really the temperature causing it.

"Guess this is goodbye then, Colin." He said, not looking at me still, and his voice sounded odd, different to usual and full of unwanted emotion.

I looked up once, finally making eye contact and staring for a brief second that dragged out forever, mesmerised by the pain in his eyes that I knew was reflected in mine. I suddenly hated myself for doing this to him, to me, but I was paralysed, unable to act, as my thoughts seemed to stop completely, my mind feeling empty and hollow.

He pulled away quickly, then twisted on his heel and stomped away, his footsteps loud and echoing in my head.

I sat and watched him leave.

"Goodbye, Ryan." I whispered behind him, my voice sounding wrong to my ears and I realised with shame that there were tears in my eyes.

I blinked them away, not letting them fall.

-

I sat on my bed, staring around the blank hotel room. The light shining through the window was much too bright and the pale blinds were too cheap to block it out. The glass wasn't thick enough and even after shutting the window tightly, I could still hear the sounds of laughter and chatter outside. I felt cold despite the warmth of the room, and I was wishing I could curl up and go to sleep but I was getting no peace.

I leant back anyway, stretching out on top of the blankets, counting the ceiling tiles above me.

I couldn't close my eyes because when I did, all I could see was him; how he looked when I told him I didn't want to see him again, how he sounded when he told me he was in love with me, how he felt when I kissed him and touched him, the way he had moaned my name when he came.

I tried not to blink, focusing on the numbers as I counted each tile, over and over.

A loud ring sounded through the room, stopping me in my distraction, the cheerful tone much too happy for the annoying interruption that it was.

I pulled my cell from my pocket, wishing as I did that it would be Ryan on the other end.

It wasn't.

It was Deb.

I swallowed hard, angrily pushing away the betraying thought that told me to ignore it, and answered, speaking as upbeat as I could manage.

She was just checking in, wanting to know if I was okay and she was joyful and happy, completely oblivious to the turmoil I was experiencing.

I tried to sound cheerful back, tried to placate her with jokes but she noticed how fake it was and expressed her concern.

I told her I was fine and she asked if I was okay on my own.

I had forgotten I had lied to her, telling her I couldn't come home due to flight issues, and I suddenly felt inappropriately guilty, so I told her about Greg and Jeff and Ryan.

"Oh." She said, her voice giving away nothing as she told me she was pleased we were getting to catch up. But I could hear the cogs turning in her head and I knew she wanted to ask me more about it.

She'd listened to Ryan's messages, listened to him on our answer machine, pleading with me to call him back, and she'd definitely noticed that I hadn't seen him in two years.

She also knew far too much about our relationship than I was comfortable with.

"Are you fighting?" She asked me, suddenly, and it had been the question she'd so far avoided asking, probably because she didn't want the answer.

I shrugged, forgetting she couldn't see me, and then said, quietly. "Uh, kind of. It's complicated." Which felt like the biggest understatement I'd ever uttered.

I heard her take a deep breath, stealing herself for something, but I wasn't sure what. Then she said, very gently. "You should work it out with him, Colin. I know you've missed him." I knew she was only talking about our friendship, but it cut too close to home, and it definitely wasn't helping my thoughts.

I wanted her to tell me I was better off without him, I wanted her to be pleased that I wasn't going to see him; I wanted her to hate him and discourage me.

I didn't want her to care so much about me that she was willing to put up with me seeing him just because I'd missed him.

"Did you know he and Pat are getting divorced?" I asked her, wondering even as the words left my mouth, why I was saying this. I wasn't thinking too deeply any more, my mind too busy with other thoughts.

"No, I didn't." She said and sighed. She didn't sound surprised and I wondered just what she was thinking.

She also didn't ask me why and I once again got the feeling she didn't want to know the answer. I heard the doorbell ringing in the background, and with her voice a little more upbeat she said, "Sorry, I have to go, someone’s here."

"Okay," I replied, suddenly feeling at a loss of words. "Bye."

"Bye Colin." She said, pausing before saying, "I love you."

And then she hung up, before I had the chance to realise she hadn't waited for me to say it back.

I suddenly wondered then, if she wasn't sure I was going to.

And I realised maybe she knew more than she let on.

-

I hugged Greg tightly, knowing I would miss him. I did the same to Jeff and then I was all ready to go.

I spared one more glance around the hotel entranceway, looking quickly, hoping they wouldn't even notice. I'd booked an earlier flight, telling them that I had needed to sort out something at our next tour venue. It was another lie, too many now to count, and they knew it because they had seen the tension and they weren't surprised I wasn't sticking around.

"Are you going to wait?" Jeff asked as he noticed me looking around, and he didn't need to explain what he meant. We all knew.

I shook my head. " No. I have to go. I'll miss my flight."

"He's being a bastard." Greg told me, but he didn't really mean it and I knew it wasn't true.

I couldn't blame him. After all, I was the one that said it was over.

"He's not. This is how it's going to be." It didn't mean I wanted to leave it like this but then I couldn't think of another choice.

Well there was one, but I couldn't do that, as much as I wanted to.

"Right." Greg said, clearly not convinced. He thought we were both being stupid. He thought we should be able to come to a workable solution, like he and Jeff had.

But I didn't quite believe that what they had was perfect as they both seemed to linger too long when looking at each other and sometimes I could practically see Ryan and myself in them. Touches that lasted much longer than they should and excuses to always be near each other, friendship getting stronger by the second and attraction never diminishing.

I couldn't help but think that it wouldn't be too long before they'd end up in the exactly the same place as us.

Although different, I guess, in that Jeff has no other ties and Greg prides himself in not being as much of a coward as I am, so maybe it could work for them in the end.

I was ready to turn around and leave the hotel when I saw Ryan.

He stood on the other side of the lobby, by the stairs, hands in his pockets and slouching, looking down at the floor. If it wasn't for his height and age, he'd look like a shy little boy.

He wasn't coming any closer and he didn't look over, just leant against the wall. After a moment, he glanced up and met my eyes.

He gave me a long look, staring into my eyes before drifting down my body, taking everything in, and I realised he seemed to be memorising everything about me, swallowing all the details. As if for the last time. Then he tore his eyes away, quick and harsh like pulling off a band-aid and turned away, ready to leave.

I realised that he was like Greg in that he wasn't a coward.

But I was.

All common sense told me to turn and leave. The coward in me told me it was the easiest thing to do, the best thing, but the devil on my shoulder was telling me how elated I felt just being around Ryan again.

I ignored it, knowing that it didn't matter. I couldn't go to him.

I had to do the right thing.

So I looked away from Ryan, gave Greg and Jeff one more smile and a small wave, and then I turned to go.

- Part Nine.


I took two steps away from them.

All the sounds in the hotel got louder, the sound of the cars racing outside was deafening, the chatter from the receptionist on the phone grated through me, her high pitched tone cutting into my chest. A baby was screaming, her mother making comforting noises to calm her, and people were walking around, their footsteps harsh and loud.

Tears were burning behind my eyes, and every step took too much effort, my body feeling heavy as if I was being pulled backwards.

I took another step away, and then everything seemed to stop.

All the sounds seemed to quieten, the baby stopped crying and everyone seemed to be talking in a whisper, the sound of their footsteps disappearing.

It was all quiet and I could hear my thoughts clearer than I ever had.

And I knew that I couldn't do this.

I turned around and walked back to Greg and Jeff, my feet treading lighter, skimming the carpet like I was flying.

I took a deep breath.

"Watch my bag for me?" I asked the guys, before they had a chance to question me, and before I had a chance to over-think what I was doing, I took off after Ryan.

I may have a lot of energy on stage but I'm not young any more and I cannot run very far or very fast. But Ryan must've sensed something because he had paused by the elevator, looking in my direction. I almost skidded into him, stopping just in front of him, tripping over my feet ungracefully but managing to stay upright.

"What...?" He began, but I interrupted him, panting harshly from the short sprint and the adrenaline rushing through me.

"I can't leave it like this." I breathed out, and I knew he was hoping for something different to that, but I was too focused on pulling in air to say anything more.

"Just go get your taxi, Colin. Get on your plane and carry on your tour." He told me, and pressed the button for the elevator.

"No." I said quickly, still trying to calm my breathing down. I hadn't run that far, but all the emotion I'd been experiencing the past few days was catching up with me.

"I'm not mad at you if that'll make you feel better." He said, barely registering my disagreement. He wouldn't look at me again and he was moving on the spot, swapping his weight between each foot as he watched the numbers flickering above the elevator doors.

"It doesn't because I know your lying." I told him and I found myself wondering why I wasn't in my taxi, because we were just going in circles again.

Yet I realised that it was my turn, he'd laid out his cards on the table and he'd made it perfectly clear how he felt. I needed to do the same.

"What do you want Colin?" He asked, voicing the question I was thinking of. The doors to the elevator opened with a ring but the rest of the hotel still seemed silent, waiting for me to speak.

"You. I want you."

Already anticipating a different answer, Ryan was halfway in the elevator when I spoke.

He froze again as he heard my words, then slowly turned back to face me, his hand holding the door back, fingers splayed across the gap.

Poker face firmly in place, he looked at me, not saying anything.

"I changed my mind." I told him, feeling more courageous and calmer with each word I spoke. As I said the words, I realised just how true they were, just how much I meant them, and just how right this was.

He remained silent, waiting. He wasn't going to make this easy for me and I couldn't blame him because I definitely hadn't made it easy for him.

"I want to do this... I don't want to pretend any more. I want to be with you." I trailed off and he just stared at me, watching me, judging me.

"Fuck, Ry, you know I've always loved you." I said, breathing out the words in a sigh, feeling a weight lift off my chest as I did. I'd been terrified of saying them, of meaning them, but now I had, I found it hard to understand why.

I looked at him, waiting for his reaction. His eye twitched on my words and his fingers relaxed just slightly against the elevator door frame but he didn't remove them.

"Enough?" He finally said, quietly, still not stepping away from the open elevator. I didn't quite follow him.

"What?" I asked.

"Do you..." He paused, struggling to say the words, his voice deep. "...love me, enough?" He asked and I suddenly understood.

My eyes instantly focused in on his ring finger, the lack of wedding ring showing me just how much he had loved me, just how much he was willing to risk for the chance to be with me. I looked down at my own hand, my own ring still in place, and my cell phone felt heavy in my pocket as I remembered speaking with Deb earlier.

He'd done what we both should have done years ago, giving up our 'normal' lives and following our true feelings instead.

He was asking me if I was willing to do the same, because he didn't want to settle for anything less, and I knew he shouldn't have to.

Suddenly, it was as if someone had lifted all the fog and confusion from my mind. Nothing was clearer now.

"Yes. I love you. I want to be with you." I said with certainty, the words the truest I had ever spoken.

He still didn't say anything immediately, and we both stood, in the stairway of the quiet hotel, just staring at each other.

The silence that had seemed to settle on the hotel earlier, extended to the world, and I felt like everyone and everything else had stopped still, waiting for this, for us.

I knew we were being watched, I could see Greg and Jeff out of the corner of my eye, standing far back but focused on us with interest. There were a handful of hotel occupants watching us curiously as well but I ignored them.

Nothing mattered, only Ryan in front of me.

Then he moved his hand from the elevator, stepping away from it slowly and towards me just slightly. The doors closed with another cheerful ring.

He still wasn't speaking, and I didn't know what to do. "That is, if you..." I managed to say, my voice quiet and high, yet the words were in the air for only a second before he was close to me, arms suddenly around me and his lips pressing against mine.

I leaned into him, kissing him back without hesitation, my tongue parting his lips as I poured all my feelings into the movement. He kissed me back just as intensely, and it was hot and quick but also gentle and loving, passion seeping through us both.

Sighing in pleasure against his lips, I pulled him close to me, my hands twining together behind his head, fingers touching the soft hair at the back of his neck.

His hands were on my waist again, rubbing gently against my skin once more, sending sparks through my body.

I registered somewhere in my mind the sound of the elevator ringing again, but it seemed so far away and I was too caught up in the feel of Ryan against me to notice it fully.

That was, until I was pulled roughly away from him, stumbling backwards until I hit the wall with a gentle thud. I blinked, trying to catch up with what was going on as I felt Ryan once again near me, his body against mine. He was wobbling as well though and when I finally looked at him; he looked just as confused and dazed as I was.

I noticed with pleasure he was panting, his face flushed and I loved the thought that I did that to him.

I was all ready to kiss him again, but I knew I should find out what was going on. The room was moving and I finally tuned into the fact that we were in the elevator.

"We're just ecstatic that you crazy kids have worked it out, but a public lobby is really not the place for your make-out session."

It was not until I heard Greg's voice did I even realise we weren't alone, but when I did, all the puzzle pieces simply fell into place.

"You couldn't have just said something like normal people?" Ryan said from next to me, his body still half pressed into mine, trapping me against the elevator wall. He turned his head to look over at Jeff and Greg and his voice was a growl, annoyed, but I could tell he was more amused than anything else. All the tension from earlier seemed to have disappeared from his body and he seemed elated. I felt pleasure spread through me again.

"We did. Loudly. You were too busy... uh... "Jeff paused but Greg was happy to continue for him.

"Fucking with clothes on?"

I was ready to protest until I realised that they had both just watched us kissing each other and physically had to pull us apart and I should have felt embarrassed or uncomfortable but I really didn't. I just felt relieved.

The elevator door opened once more and then we were on the floor of Ryan's room, yet Jeff and Greg didn't move to get out.

"Your room is down there, have fun now!" Greg said, shoving us out, along with my bag, and then the doors shut behind them and it was just me and Ryan, still a little dazed, stood in the hotel corridor.

Taking my hand and twining my fingers with his, he pulled me to his room.

-

When we entered, I hesitated. We both sat down on his bed and he kissed me gently again, softly and then pulled away. I wanted to kiss him back, get lost in the feel of him once more, but as much as that idea was appealing, it wasn't going to solve anything.

"You want to talk this out?" He asked, reading my mind and I shrugged. He pulled me backwards until we were both sat against the headboard, legs stretched out in front of us, and he held my hand in both of his, looking down and studying it, rubbing his thumb across the lines.

"It's not as easy as it seems." I said finally, hoping he wouldn't take it the wrong way. I looked down at my other hand, at my wedding ring.

His eyes followed mine and he stared at it for a long second, and then pulled away, looking up at my face. "I know. But you still...?"

"Yes." I said quickly, without hesitation. I still wanted to be with him, but it wasn't going to be easy. It was going to be long and complicated and hard, filled with confrontations and hurt. And I had the brief thought that maybe it wasn't worth it, wasn't worth hurting other people and going through hell just to be with him.

But then I looked in his eyes and he leaned over and kissed me gently again, his lips pressing against mine, his fingers still softly rubbing my hand as he held it and I knew that it would all be worth it. I would do anything to spend more time like this, just being with him.

"I love you." I said quietly, because I felt I had to say the words again. He tried to keep his face neutral, I could tell, but his eyes lit up as he heard my words.

"I love you too." He said back, just as quietly, but then after another moment, said, "But it's not going to be easy."

"No." I said, knowing how true the words were.

"Am I worth it?" He asked me, a little smile on his face although I could see the question behind it. I couldn't help but smile at how he seemed to have read my mind again, yet he'd missed the answer.

I grinned mischievously at him, knowing that would reassure him more than any whispered word. "Maybe. I suppose..." I said dramatically, pretending to think it over.

"Well if you are going to be like that..." Mock-annoyance tinged his words, but I could see the glint in his eye. He moved to get away from me, crawling down the bed to the end but I chased after him, grabbing his arm and yanking it from under him so he fell with a thump on his stomach. He turned over to glare up at me, and I straddled him, pinning him down.

"Oh so this was your plan?" He raised an eyebrow, noting our position as I balanced above him, my knees either side of his thighs and my hands by his head.

"Definitely." I said, leaning down and kissing him again. He deepened it instantly, less gentle than before and filled with passion as he ground up into me, his hands coming around to stroke my ass, causing me to moan into his mouth.

"This isn't talking." I managed to get out between kisses as he pulled me tight against him, my erection straining against the zipper of my jeans.

"Good observation." He muttered out against my lips, still stroking. One of his hands moved up to grip my waist, slipping under my shirt, fingers tickling my skin.

"We should... I shouldn't..." I was trying so hard to say something coherent, but I couldn't. He was beneath me, rubbing against me, lips feeling so soft yet demanding against mine, his body responding to my every touch. "Ryan..." I breathed out, a question over a moan, and he suddenly took the hint and pulled his lips away. I sat up, still straddling his waist, panting, and looked down at him.

I could honestly say that I had never seen anything sexier than the look of him beneath me, face flushed and lips swollen from kissing me, blinking slightly longer than necessary as he tried to catch his breath.

I now wasn't sure why we weren't kissing. Until the light in the hotel room sparkled off my wedding ring, as if someone else was reminding me.

"I should be going, I need to go home, I need to talk to Deb and oh I have a tour to do and..."My mind was rushing again, this time with a mental to-do list as I thought of everything I was going to have to deal with, everything I was going to have to solve before I could relax and just enjoy being with Ryan.

"Breathe." He said from beneath me, propping himself up on his elbows and looking into my eyes.

"There's so much I need to do... There's so much we need to discuss." I said, babbling, because all the emotion seemed to have caught up with me, and all this seemed too good to be true, which it was. Because all those problems I had been hiding from still existed, even if I had decided to forget them and do what I wanted.

"And you'll do it. And we'll discuss it. We'll go over everything and make it work. But right now, you need to relax." Ryan grinned at me, knowing he was right, and I glared a little at him. But then I laughed, because he was right and it was true, but I wasn't sure I even knew where to start.

"Col, tomorrow you are going to have to go, you have a tour to finish and you and... you and Deb have things you need to discuss and you have to do that away from me. I know that. But...just give me one night? Just tonight, and we'll sort out everything else tomorrow."

He was still staring at me, looking into my eyes and I could tell he wanted to touch me but he was giving me space. His fingers were tapping a pattern on the bedspread again as he nervously fidgeted, waiting for me to make a decision.

"Tomorrow." I said, nodding, and then I leaned down once more and kissed him again. He seemed to take that as his free ticket to do as he pleased because he was kissing back with much more fervour than before, pushing up against me, his hands running all over my body, slipping under my shirt and rubbing my skin.

The kiss was hard but still loving as his tongue twinned with mine and he poured all his feelings into the kisses. I cupped his face with one hand, rubbing his side with the other as I balanced on top of him completely, our chests pressed together.

He rolled us over, the blanket beneath us ruffling as he straddled me, never once breaking the kiss. I'd missed this, missed him, and I hadn't even realised how much until I felt him, touching me, kissing me.

He pulled away from my lips and kissed my cheek messily, slipping down to lay open-mouth kisses on my neck, surrounding the faint but still visible bite marks that he had left there.

"That's just starting to heal." I muttered, trying to make it sound like a warning but failing. He laughed against my neck, the deep sound vibrating through my body as his warm breath tickled me. He kissed lower again, moving from the mark as he kissed my collarbone, balancing on one hand as the other reached up to unbutton my shirt.

I slipped my own hands under his shirt once more, sliding them across his chest, before copying his movements, undoing the buttons, pausing to moan when he sucked and kissed at my skin.

We both moved to take off our shirts and I reached out to Ryan as he sat above me; gripping the waistband of his jeans and pulling him in to kiss me again. Whilst we kissed, our tongues tangling together once more, I undid the button slowly.

His hips thrust just slightly beneath my hands and I could already feel how hard he was.

I couldn't resist slipping my hand under the fabric, touching him gently, teasingly. He moaned into my mouth, thrusting once more as he pulled me close again, trying to grind against me.

Our position was awkward and he couldn't remove his jeans so I pushed him up and manoeuvred from under him. Once stood we both removed what was left of our clothes and then he pulled me back to the bed, kissing me yet again.

We rubbed against each other, teasing each other, and I surrounded his erection with my fingers, stroking gently. He did the same to me, and we lay side by side, our bodies touching every inch, our lips resting together as we both breathed hard.

"I want more." Ryan whispered against my lips, his hand never stilling against me, as he rubbed me. I couldn't think enough to follow, my eyes rolling back in my head as he tugged at me. His other hand cupped my ass, stroking just slightly.

Suddenly his words seemed to penetrate my brain as I realised what he'd said. "More?" I asked, intrigued, yet I knew what he was saying.

He wanted to cross another line, one we hadn't before.

We'd never gone further than just touching and licking and bringing each other off. But he wanted more, and I definitely did too.

It was a big step, but he'd said it and now I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do.

"More." I whispered again, this time an agreement, and kissed him softly. He deepened the kiss as I rubbed him a little harder, causing him to moan again. I knew I would never get tired of hearing that, feeling it against my lips.

We kissed some more, rubbing and teasing each other and then his finger was inside of me, touching me tentatively yet firmly, causing my breath to catch in my throat.

He added another finger, then a third, and it hurt but in a delicious way, as I straddled him once more, my whole body balanced on his, pressing against him. My hand surrounded his where he was still stroking my erection and I rubbed us both together, my hand weak from the pleasure and torture he was doing to me.

"You sure?" He murmured quietly against me, and I nodded quickly, unable to bare the thought of him moving away now.

He pulled his hand away, rummaging for something by his bed, and then, before I even realised, he'd turned us around so we lay next to each other, his chest to my back and he pressed against me, slipping inside. I gasped, pain shooting through my body before it was quickly replaced with the strongest pleasure I'd ever felt. Sparks flashed in my eyes and they drifted closed.

Ryan was panting in my ear, kissing my neck gently once more as he slowly thrust into me, one hand gripping my waist, as my body pressed it into the bed, the other reaching around to my rub me once again, pulling and stroking in time with his movements.

I felt like I was going to black out from the pleasure, the feel of him inside me, his long fingers wrapped around me, his warm breath by my ear as he moaned my name harsh and deep and I couldn't take any more as I came hard in his hand. I moaned out his name, swearing and panting and he thrust into me harder, before giving in as well, shuddering and pressing into me fully.

We lay like that and time seemed to stop. The sounds of our harsh breathing filled the air, and I could still feel him all around me.

When he slipped out of me, I moaned again, sighing as I turned around, kissing him once again, slowly and tiredly, my body spent from the pleasure. When I pulled away, it took him a long time to open his eyes, a dopey smile on his face that I couldn't help but adore.

"Fuck." Ryan said quietly, the sound barely anything more than a sigh.

"Yeah." I replied, just as quietly.

His fingers rested at my waist and they felt sticky and I realised why. "You need to wash." I told him, wrinkling my nose up, despite the fact that it was me on his hand.

He groaned at me, and then stood up, and I grinned at how wobbly the movement was.

"Fine, but I'm not going alone." He said, and grabbed my hand, to pull me up with him.

I realised that before, we would use the bathroom as an escape, a way to flip a switch and pretend nothing had happened. And in that second I was glad he was pulling me with him, because that meant that we weren't hiding any more. I didn't want to sit and wait for him to return, even though now I knew he would.

The sun was only just setting behind the window, a misty light streaming in, and I thought with some pleasure that we still had the night to come.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow things would be complicated again.

But this time the complications weren't about him.

And tonight, things were perfect, if only for a little while.

- Part Ten.

I was dreaming, drifting through clouds peacefully, the world soft and slow. The hushed surroundings misted in and out of view and I started to float away as the world began to brighten, making me want to shield eyes I couldn't reach.

I was waking, the world disappearing completely as I blinked open my eyes, squinting at the sunlight filling the room.

When my eyes adjusted, the first thing I saw was Ryan's smile.

Resting his chin on my chest, he was pinning me down, his body draped over me with one leg wrapped tightly around mine and his arm holding my side. Our bodies were moulded together, skin on skin, and I thought that I would happily wake up like this for the rest of my life.

All the memories of the previous night flooded my senses, and I couldn't stop the contented sigh that slipped from my lips.

"Morning." I murmured, smiling at him tentatively.

He smiled back, pausing for a long moment where he just stared at me, green eyes sparkling, before speaking, his voice low and questioning, "Do I need to tie you up?"

I raised an eyebrow in response, wondering where that had come from. I still wasn't fully awake, my mind blurry, and although the idea did sound tempting, I had no idea why he'd suggested it.

"To stop you running away." He added, his voice light but I noticed the concern in his eyes. He was unsure, and he was trying to hide it but I knew him too well to miss it. I reached up to run my hand along his back, his soft skin warm beneath my fingertips and I rubbed gently, reassuringly.

"I got scared." I said quietly, honestly, trying to explain my actions that morning, two years ago, still fresh in both our minds.

Our position was almost the same, the sunlight streaming in made similar shadows, and although it was a completely different room and completely different town, the memory still echoed around.

"It's okay." He said quickly yet sincerely and I saw him start to visibly relax, his muscles loosening beneath my hand. "I didn't exactly make it clear..." He added, making me realise that even then, he wanted to be with me and if only I had stuck around, he may have told me that.

I felt almost regretful, but we were here now, and that was what mattered.

"I'm still sorry. And I'm not going anywhere." I leant up to kiss him gently, a quick peck on the lips, then I pulled back and grinned. "Well, except the bathroom, because I really need to pee."

He chuckled, dropping his head to my chest for a second, then he rolled himself off me, running his fingers briefly along the back of my hand as I moved away.

I spent as little time as possible in the bathroom, not wanting him to wonder if I was trying to avoid him.

I also didn't want to think too much yet, happy to stay in this easy pleasant dream world where there was nothing to worry about and nothing to deal with, just Ryan to kiss and touch and be with. Everything still felt a little blurry and my body was the most relaxed it had been in years.

When I came back out, Ryan was snoozing again, lying on his side with his head pillowed against his arm. I sat down next to him gently, my hand instinctively going to his hair, running my fingers through the short curls. A small smile spread across his face as he opened hooded eyes to look up at me.

"Lazy," I murmured to him, sliding down so I was lying next to him again. His arm instinctively went around me, his leg hooking over mine once more, as he curled up in my side.

He made a non-committal sound, humming against my skin, and nuzzling into me and reminding me of a giant cat. I laughed to myself quietly at the image, and he opened one eye, leaning his head back to look at me questionably.

I just smiled at him, not giving away my thoughts as I wasn't sure he'd appreciate the metaphor, and closed my own eyes, enjoying the feel of him against me. Warmth spread through my body, focused on the parts he was touching, as I stroked his arm absently.

I wasn't sure how long we lay together, drifting in and out of sleep, completely sated and calm, but I would've happily stayed like it forever.

Until a loud cheerful ringing suddenly filled the room.

My eyes shot open and I tensed up. I felt Ryan do the same beside me; either through feeling my tension, or through guessing, like I was, who was on the end of the phone.

Biting my lip, I listened to the ringing, it sounded harsh and grating, rather than the happy tone it was meant to be and it was vibrating against the floor where my jeans lay, making grinding sounds against the carpet.

Ryan loosened his grip and he pulled his arm away from me slowly, sliding so he was lying back on the bed, no longer touching me. "You better answer it, Col." He said, finally, sighing.

I gave him a concerned look and he responded with a comforting smile, but I could tell he was far from happy with the interruption.

I got up, picking my shorts up from the floor first and sliding them on, not comfortable talking without them. Then I picked up my jeans, and rummaged around for my cell.

I took a deep breath, stealing myself, staring down at the screen that had confirmed what I had thought.

"Hello, Deb." I answered finally, trying to keep my voice upbeat, cursing myself for how false the happiness sounded.

She responded in her usual cheerful way, expressing her concern for how I was, telling me about what Luke had been up to, and asking me how my evening had been. I answered all her questions calmly and simply, asking the things required of me, feeling horribly guilty and worse with each word I said.

I spared a look over at Ryan who was lying back on the bed. His eyes were closed but I knew he was awake. His leg was twitching every so often, and his fingers were tapping that imaginary beat once more on the bedspread, this time the tune fast and harsh.

"And how are things with you and Ryan now?" Deb asked kindly, her voice curious and gentle, completely non accusing and it made me feel even worse. I paused, not really sure how to answer.

Swallowing hard, I spared another glance over at Ryan. He'd halted in his movement, his fingers now flat against the bed, and I realised he had probably heard her.

"Uh, yeah we're getting along now." I muttered, hating myself for every word.

How could I do this to her?

"That's good." Deb said, and I could tell she meant it, although I heard something else in her voice as well, something curious and maybe resigned, yet I wasn't sure.

"Is he there now?" She asked, and I guessed she must've noticed something was off by how quietly I was speaking. I hadn't meant to, but this was awkward and uncomfortable and I didn't want to be talking about Ryan with her and I didn't want to be talking to her in front of Ryan, because I was hurting them both.

"Uh, yeah." I said, stupidly, and Ryan's eyes shot open, as he lifted his head up, pointing with it just slightly to the clock. It was half nine in the morning, and there really wasn't a very good reason why Ryan should be in my hotel room with me. "He... he came to join me for breakfast." Us, I should have said, join us, so it wasn't just me and Ryan, but I couldn't lie to her well, and I didn't even want to.

"That's nice." She said, but she sounded even less pleased, and even more resigned, sighing to herself, before speaking louder, "I'll leave you to it then."

She paused, and then said, her voice quiet, "I love you, Colin."

The words shot through to my chest painfully, cutting into me, and I wished I'd felt differently, wished I wasn't about to do this to her. I heard her breathing on the other end of the line, and this time, she wasn't hanging up before I said anything.

I felt like she was testing me.

And I was going to fail.

Because I couldn't do it.

Not after whispering to Ryan all night how much I loved him, letting him kiss the words from my mouth, muttering them against his skin.

I couldn't tell her that I loved her in front of him now.

I didn't say anything for what felt like a lifetime, trying to say words that had been getting harder to say and now seemed impossible.

"Bye Colin." She said finally, followed by another sigh.

I wondered just how she could know so much in such a short space of time, when even I didn't realise it all until yesterday.

I hung up the phone, feeling terrible, knowing that there was going to be more to come as soon as I got home.

Because I was sure she already knew.

I sighed myself, slipping the phone back in my jeans pocket. Holding them in my hand and just staring down at them.

I looked over at Ryan; he was still lying on the bed, perched on his elbows, as he looked back at me, concerned. He seemed much more awake than he had been previously, and I wasn't surprised because that phone call had snapped me into reality as well, quickly dismissing any remnants of sleep.

"You okay?" He asked eventually, his voice loud in the silent room.

"Not really." I replied, honestly, sighing again. I hated this. This was what I'd been trying to avoid, and I couldn't help feeling selfish for giving in and following my heart, knowing how much I was going to hurt Deb. But then I looked at Ryan and realised that the other option would break him. So whatever I did, someone was going to get hurt, and that was the worst place I could be. I knew though, that Deb would survive, she was amazingly strong, much stronger than I was even. She would cope.

So why didn't I feel better?

Ryan walked tentatively over to me, pausing when he was close but not touching, and I knew he was letting me make the first move, because he wasn't sure what I wanted.

I knew though.

I pulled him close to me, burying my face in his neck and breathing in. He hugged me tightly, and I felt instantly more relaxed, instantly better, because this was worth it. It was worth everything.

He pulled back and leant down to kiss me, slow and drawn out, soft and sleepy again, and I lost myself in the feel of him, letting the pleasure wash over me and cleanse all the pain I was feeling. He was still naked next to me, only my thin shorts separating us and I pressed my whole body against him, letting him touch every inch.

When we finally pulled back, both breathing heavily, I looked up into his eyes, still wrapped in his arms.

"I have to leave." I told him quietly, trying to prepare him, because I knew I wouldn't be able to do what I had to with him around.

Besides, he still had his tour, a show that evening, and I had mine. I had to go and perform, and then I had to go home and talk with Deb.

"I know. How long?" He asked me, tilting his head so that our temples touched, one of his hands tickling the skin on my neck whilst the other gripped my waist.

"Til' I go? Or how long until we see each other again?"

He shrugged. I bought my hand up to rub at the back of his neck, the other resting just above his ass as I stared out at the hotel room.

"I'll phone the airport to sort out a flight. Probably in a couple of hours. And I don't know. When do you finish touring?" I was already making plans, trying to arrange things in my head. Travel plans were easy, they were facts and figures and they stopped me thinking about all the emotions involved at every step.

"Three weeks." He murmured against me, still not moving, his eyes half closed as he breathed in deeply.

"Would you come meet me? After?" I asked him, formulating a plan. My mind was working on overtime, though I was sure his was barely working at all. He seemed tired again, quiet and content pressed against me.

"Of course. Where?" He said, his arms tightening around me.

"Does it matter?" I asked, teasingly, because I knew he wouldn't want to fly.

He surprised and delighted me when he whispered, certainly. "Not at all."

I paused, thinking. "In a month." I said finally. "One month and then we will go from there." I was already dreading spending that much time away from him., but I knew that I needed to, I needed to sort out things with Deb and we both had shows to perform and we couldn't do that together. After that, we could work things out for us.

"I'll miss you." He said quietly, lifting his head once more to kiss me again, sliding his hands down to my ass and pulling me closer still.

I moaned into his mouth, telling him in between kisses that I would miss him too.

He reached his hands around and played with the edge of my shorts, before tugging them down so they pooled at my feet. I kicked them off as I walked us both backwards until he was resting against the wall.

Rubbing against me, he slid his hands slowly down my stomach...

And a loud knocking on the door interrupted.

"Time to get up boys!" I heard Greg shout through the wall, banging even harder on the door. I groaned and rested against Ryan, kissing him softly, our noses touching when I pulled back.

We were both hard, our erections rubbing together as we pressed against each other. My lips were still touching his, and I felt him smirk against them, before moving away just a little and calling cheerfully over my shoulder, "Fuck off, Greg."

"No can do, stud. It's work related. So get your hands away from each other, put your clothes back on and answer the fucking door." Greg sing-songed, just as cheerfully. I couldn't help but smile almost in embarrassment at just how accurate Greg's description of our situation was. Ryan moved to kiss me again, rubbing against me once more, causing painfully hot friction and sending arousal shooting through my body.

"He'll give up eventually." He muttered against my lips, his hand reaching down to surround me.

"Or he'll get the spare key from reception." I replied, honestly, half amused, half frustrated. I knew Greg, and so did Ryan, and there was no way he would just give in, whatever we wanted. Hell, if we didn't stop, he would likely come in and watch us.

Ryan growled, rolling his eyes, but he reluctantly pulled away, giving me one long hard passionate kiss before he did, rubbing me and stroking me hard, making it even worse when we had to separate.

"Welcome back," I muttered to myself as I pulled on my clothes, the fly of my jeans rubbing painfully against me as I struggled to do them up. Gone was the happy dream world that I had been trying to slip back into after the phone call. Life had officially started again, and that meant I couldn't ignore things any longer.

Ryan was shooting me a curious look, smiling and raising an eyebrow at my quiet comment and I grinned at him, noticing he was having the same problem as I was.

When he finally opened the door, Greg wandered in, looking around amused and interested, and he seemed almost disappointed that we were both fully clothed. Jeff followed after him, sheepish, as he shrugged apologetically at us, obviously not as comfortable as Greg at interrupting.

Ryan glared daggers at Greg, and I rolled my eyes, wondering if he could be more obvious if he tried.

"Did you boys have fun?" Greg said, raising his eyebrow in interest. He was giddy and hyperactive and I was suddenly glad that I was leaving, because Ryan was going to have to deal with so many comments from him.

Ryan flipped his middle finger up, smiling cheerfully as he did.

Greg and Jeff were watching us, waiting for something, but we weren't going to give them it. I was still flushed, and incredibly turned on and there was no way I was getting closer to Ryan with them around so I leant against the wall on the opposite side of the room, whilst Ryan sat down on the bed. I saw him wince as he moved up the bed, and I knew his jeans must have rubbed in an awkward place. Thankfully, the others didn't seem to notice.

Clearly bored already with the little we were giving them, Greg and Jeff started explaining the plans for their show that evening, discussing all the details with Ryan.

I tuned out, letting their words wash over me, as I stood, leant in the corner, watching them. Every so often, Ryan would send a smile or a bored look my way and his eyes would twinkle in amusement or pleasure and I would remember exactly why I was here.

When they finally left, Ryan shuffling them out the door and pushing it closed, I was suddenly pressed against the wall hard, his mouth on mine, demanding, and his hands already undressing me.

We finished what we had started, this time with no interruptions, and it was wonderful and pleasuring and over far too quickly as time had soon passed and I had to leave to go to the airport.

He couldn't come with me.

"A month?" He asked me, both of us now dressed, his arms around me once more and his head against my neck as he kissed me there softly.

"Just a month." I told him, and we could do it, I knew. Because we'd gone two years without seeing each other, but it didn't mean it would be easy.

Especially for me, as I felt my stomach sink at everything I had to face once I left him.

"I love you." I told him again, lifting his head up gently so I could kiss him. I poured everything into the kiss, parting his lips with my tongue and exploring his mouth, running my fingers down the side of his face before slipping my hand around his neck to pull him closer.

"Love you too." He muttered against my lips when we finally pulled away, breathing heavily once more, almost in sync, as he stared into my eyes.

And then I had to pull away.

And I had to walk out of the hotel room, leaving him behind me once more.

Only this time, I knew I would see him again. And when I did, we'd be together.

And knowing that made me realise I could face anything now.

- Epilogue. How long is the correct time to wait for a date to show up?

I leant against the restaurant building, the hardness of the brick digging into my back, as I pondered the answer to that question.

I sighed and looked down at my watch, the small silver hands moving quickly, as I confirmed that he was definitely late.

I had arrived ten minutes early, unable to stay in my apartment any longer, the rooms feeling too empty, too new and clean and much too quiet. I made my way to the restaurant, the heat suffocating and intense, as I wandered through the streets.

I hadn’t minded waiting, but I’d been at our meeting point fifteen minutes, and I was still alone.

Ryan was only five minutes late, and my watch could be slow, I reasoned, but I was already getting antsy. What if he'd changed his mind? What if something had happened on his way? What if this had all been some elaborate dream and he didn’t really want to see me?

What if...?

I sighed again, forcing away the irrational thoughts as I shuffled on the spot, trying to get more comfortable.

Crowds were milling around me, people laughing and joking together, weaving in and out of each other as if in some elaborate coordinated dance. Their chattering filled the air like music would, dipping louder and quieter yet never pausing, the cars zooming past a steady background beat.

I stared around, mentally willing the people to move out of the way so I could see clearer, even though I knew that I would see Ryan towering above most of them if he was there.

Feeling separate to all the people, I stood awkwardly, alone at the sidelines, watching as I waited.

I took another look at my watch. Another minute had passed.

He still wasn’t there.

It felt like forever that I stood, frozen in the spot as the world moved quickly around me, taunting me with its speed, each second reminding me I was still alone.

I'd gone a month without seeing him, a month that had moved quickly and impossibly slowly at the same time, filled with emotional revelations, pain and big confrontations. Yet these last moments suddenly seemed the hardest.

-

I was exhausted, the flight had been long and uncomfortable and relief consumed me when I realised it was over.

The young child sat behind me had kicked the back of my seat constantly, the couple next to me hadn't stopped arguing and the woman in front had been snoring loudly. The cabin had felt much smaller than it usually did, all the noises seeming impossibly loud.

At any other time, I could’ve blocked out the sound, or used it as a comfortable distraction from my thoughts, but unfortunately, my mind had still raced the whole journey, trying to predict what was to come and causing me a headache as I tried to concentrate.

I had a dull ache in my stomach at the thought of everything I had yet to face, the pain worse with the fact that I had had to leave Ryan.

Rubbing my neck absently, I looked around the airport. The mark Ryan had made had disappeared now, a faint red line the only trace of it, yet it still seemed to tingle from where he had kissed it hours before.

Spotting Brad across the airport terminal, I quickly pulled my hand away, shoving it in my pocket. He couldn’t find me immediately, looking around curiously, as he towered over the crowd and scanned the area for me.

Seeing me finally, he smiled and waved enthusiastically; pulling me into a quick hug once I was in reach. He patted my back and bounced on the spot, acting as if it had been months since I'd seen him, not just a couple of days.

We shared the usual greetings, asking how each other were, and then a big grin spread across his face and his eyes sparkled.

"Did you have a good time?" He asked me, eyebrows raised and a lot more than just a hint of suggestion in his voice.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "You've spoken to Greg." I said, trying to sound exasperated, yet I was silently pleased that I wouldn’t have to explain. I couldn't stop the pang of nervousness that shot through me though, as I waited for his reaction.

"About what?" He asked innocently, eyes still sparkling wildly as he wiggled his eyebrows.

I didn't say anything, beginning to walk towards the exit, knowing that he'd get frustrated soon enough and shoot questions at me.

"Co-lin." He sing-songed, drawing out my name as he caught up with me.

"Brad." I replied equally as cheerfully, smiling at him yet not pausing in my step.

The cool air hit me as we exited the terminal, and I breathed in deep, thankful to be anywhere but the plane. I looked around the town, smiling as I thought about the next few days, excited about performing. It was the only thing that was going to get me through the month, and I knew I had two shows to enjoy before I would have to start dealing with things properly.

If only I could get through this with Brad.

"Go on then." I said to him, turning to look at him once more, as I paused outside the terminal.

"What?" He asked innocently again, trying to get me to talk first, but I wasn't going to. If he wanted to know, he would have to ask because I wasn't prepared to spill secrets like a teenage girl with a new boyfriend.

I waited patiently, eyeing the crowds across the entranceway. The area was frantic, cars stopping and starting and people beeping their horns whenever someone got in their way.

And yet it still seemed quieter than the plane. And even quieter than my thoughts.

Brad rolled his eyes, already bored. "So you and Ryan? About time."

I stared at him. "What?"

About time? That was all he had to say.

I was expecting... I didn’t know.

Something more than that. I had told him before about my feelings, shared the whole story one night when I had been feeling rough and had had a few drinks to loosen my tongue. He'd been understanding and comforting but he had also seemed to agree when I had told him that nothing could ever come of it.

So I had been expecting some sort of questioning, something like 'What are you thinking?' or 'What about your family?" or 'But it's Ryan!?' or any one of the many questions that had circled around in my head those few years when I hadn't seen Ryan.

"About time." He repeated. "Hell, we've all been watching you two dance around each other for years. It's not like you both kept your feelings well hidden." He told me, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, but it hadn't been to either of us.

He put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into a sideways hug then steered us both towards the car park. "I'm happy for you. Just don't start making out in front of me." He wrinkled up his nose, but smiled to let me know he was joking. I didn't care if he wasn't.

I was just pleased that he'd taken it well, and that one confrontation was over.

-

I asked a passer-by the time, ignoring the odd look he gave me when he saw my watch, and sighed when he just confirmed what I had already known.

Ryan was now eight minutes late.

I tapped my fingers on the bricks behind me, nervously fidgeting in the spot as I stared out at the crowds, willing Ryan to appear.

Why wasn't he here yet? What had happened?

I knew I had the right place; I'd picked it after all. The sign above the door glared at me, teasingly, confirming that I was definitely where I was supposed to be.

A cool breeze swirled around the air briefly, a short interlude from the intense heat, and I breathed in deep, drawing my attention from the crowd and staring down the busy street. The street lights were flickering and the cars sped past, their headlights merging into colourful swirls, bright and harsh.

Closing my eyes, I tried to turn off the constant questioning in my head. The voice wouldn’t give up, wondering if Ryan would show up, wondering if something had happened to him, wondering if he’d changed his mind and didn’t want to be with me any more.

I focused in on the crowds around me, letting the sound of their talk wash over me and calm my thoughts.

-

I closed my eyes, the noises from the traffic on the street below oddly calming as I sat on the tiny balcony of the hotel.

I was mentally exhausted. The past couple of days had been horrible, emotional and heartbreaking as I ruined the family life I had built.

Deb had been waiting for me when I had arrived home from my tour for the weekend, like I always did.

She looked in my eyes, not greeting me with a hug or a kiss, but simply staring at me. I stared back, trying not to give much away, yet knowing I would have to eventually.

It didn't matter how much I tried, she soon saw what she had been looking for and she nodded, a sad smile on her face. "So you’re leaving?" She asked me, and I was shocked, not by her words, but how resigned she sounded.

The confrontations had been long, but instead of shouting and screaming, which would have been horrible but easier somehow, there were calm quiet words, tears and sadness.

We'd come to some conclusion, short-term arrangements made, and finally my body was starting to relax from the tension, my muscles aching as they loosened and calmed.

I stared out into the darkness, the sparkling lights of the city shining, twinkling like the stars they were hiding from view.

I tried to look past the buildings, out across the horizon, wondering where Ryan was, wondering if he was sat on a similar balcony, smoking and relaxing after a performance.

Trying to picture him, I guessed he would probably be with Greg and Jeff and maybe Chip if he was feeling better. They would likely be laughing together, joking around, and although I felt a pull inside, wishing I could be with them, I knew that in a few short weeks I would be seeing him again. And that made me feel instantly better.

I took a deep breath, pulling the cool air into my lungs and for the first time since I'd left him, I allowed myself to smile.

-

A woman came up and asked for my autograph and a photo. I smiled for the camera and asked her some questions, happy for the momentary distraction.

Until she asked about Ryan and if I was still in touch with him, a hint of something that could have been suggestion in her tone. I smiled at her pleasantly, told her that I did still see him, and hoped that she would leave before he showed up.

If he showed up.

Signing the pad she had produced from nowhere, I gave her one more smile and then thankfully she said her goodbyes, disappearing down the street.

Yet my relief didn't last long as I remembered that Ryan still wasn't here. I looked down at my watch once more, adjusting it on my wrist as if that would somehow alter the time.

It was eleven minutes past now. The hands on the watch kept ticking, my ears tuning into the sound as it taunted me.

I couldn't take it any more.

I pulled out my phone, ready to call to find out where he was.

Hoping he would answer.

-

I had come to dread the sound of my phone ringing, because it rarely seemed to bring good news.

I was just heading to bed when I heard it, vibrating against the bedside table, the annoying ring tone long gone.

The number on the screen wasn't a familiar one and it wasn't local so I almost didn't answer it, but something inside made me pick up, sighing as I said quietly, "Hello?"

"Hello there, I am sorry to bother you but I am wondering if you have considered changing your cell phone plan recently?" It took me a moment to register the voice on the other end, and another moment to realise that no one cold-called cell phones before I placed the voice, the familiar tone suddenly registering.

"Ryan?" I asked.

I couldn't remember ever talking to him on the phone before, but it definitely sounded like him. Curiosity and worry shot through me as I found myself desperately hoping that it wasn't just wishful thinking.

"That would be me." He said, and I could hear the smile behind the words.

"You never call me." I blurted out, unable to believe it was him.

It had only been a week since I’d seen him, but I was counting the days until we could meet again, my thoughts constantly filled with his image, and I was pleased yet surprised to hear him on the other end of the line.

"There's a lot of things we never used to do." He replied teasingly, his voice low and hinting at something more. Then, he added quietly, almost shyly and very unlike him, "I was missing you."

The words were quiet, nearly silent, but I heard them clear enough and I smiled, sighing, knowing I felt the same. It was ridiculous, we had been apart for years and yet here we were after a week missing each other.

"It's only been a week." I told him, amused. "Remember when we used to complain that we had to see each other so much? When we'd beg to work with someone different on Whose Line?" I smiled at the memory, meetings where we'd discuss working with the others more, being told more than once that we worked too well together for them to justify splitting us up.

We didn't really mind so much, I always loved working with him, but variety was good too and we did worry we would be repeating things. No one else seemed to care though.

"Well I didn't say I wanted to *work* with you." He replied, and there was a flirtatious undertone in his words that, although may have always been there, meant so much more now. I lay back on the bed, cradling the phone to my ear and stared up at the ceiling, wishing he were next to me talking.

"How are you?" He asked after a pause, sounding concerned, the playful tone gone for now.

I sighed, my smile disappearing for a moment. "I've been better. But... things are getting there. I'm at a hotel; we both thought it would be better than staying at the house for now." My fingers toyed with the blanket on the bed as I glanced around my empty room.

So much in my life had happened in hotel rooms. Hundreds of moments, good and bad, that had taken place in characterless rooms just like this one. "Lots to sort out, but it's bearable." I added. "How about you?" I asked, just wanting to hear his voice.

"Same old, Greg's being an ass, Jeff's all over him and Chip's back. I wish I was there instead."

I smiled, wishing the same thing, but replied, jokingly, "Why would you possibly want to be here?"

"Apparently the weather's nice at the moment."

I laughed a little, before saying quietly; my voice low like his had been earlier. "I love you."

Just as quietly, he replied, "I love you too." And that was enough.

Then with his voice louder, teasingly playful again, he said suggestively, "So, what are you wearing?"

I laughed once more, rolling my eyes to myself, but unable to keep the grin from my face.

Three weeks, I told myself.

Only three weeks.

-

My finger hovered over the call button on my phone, and I was ready to press it when someone leant against the wall next to me. I glanced up briefly, and I froze as I found myself staring into familiar green eyes.

Ryan was smiling at me apologetically, looking more than a little flushed, and all my anger disappeared when I saw him. His hair was tussled, his cheeks a little red, he was breathing a bit heavier than necessary and he looked absolutely amazing stood next to me.

I put my phone back in my pocket, trying my best to glare at him, but a smile was edging at the corner of my lips. "You're late." I told him pointedly, taking another look at my watch.

"I know. I'm sorry. Traffic was a bitch; I should have left earlier... or later. I decided to drive around a bit because I was too early and got caught up around the corner. Forgive me?" He tiled his head, smiling at me and trying for those puppy-dog eyes, looking impossibly adorable.

I tried to feign annoyance, but I couldn't, because I was just too elated that he was here and that we were together.

I shrugged nonchalantly, like I didn't care either way, but I couldn't stop myself smiling at him.

He grinned and the little boy look disappeared as he suddenly moved closer to me, trapping me against the wall. He rand his hands down my arms, staring into my eyes and everything around me disappeared, leaving just him.

He pulled me gently away from the wall, wrapping his arms around me and nuzzling his neck into my shoulder, kissing it softly.

His lips then moved to my cheek and he kissed me there, slow and drawn out, one hand slipping lower and resting on my ass.

I pulled him tight to me until there wasn’t even a sliver of air between us, and I whispered, "Missed you," to him, before capturing his lips with mine.

I kissed him slowly; melting at the feel of him, as he slipped his tongue past my lips. His other hand cupped my cheek, rubbing softly on my cheekbone as he tangled his tongue together with mine, the kiss getting more passionate as we both pressed harder, trying to get even closer together.

I pulled away first as I became aware that we were stood on a public street, and we were supposed to be going to dinner. I knew I wouldn’t want to if we continued like that, instead wanting to take him back to my apartment immediately. I was sure he could make it feel a lot less empty.

I rested my forehead against his, staring into his eyes. "Hello," I said quietly, smirking a little, breathing heavily.

Ryan was breathing harder, panting, and he looked even more flushed and even more amazing as he smiled at me. "Hi Col," He replied.

We stayed staring at each other for a long moment as I took in the sight of him, the feel of him against me, then he leant forward once more, letting our lips touch just gently, teasingly.

All the tension from the previous month disappeared, my body instantly relaxing as I felt him.

There was a lot to come, more confrontations, more complications and it wasn’t going to be easy. But we were together now, and that was all that mattered.

I suddenly realised that I didn’t care if he was late.

I would've waited forever for him.